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JOKES! (a thread)

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There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started...

Love me some how the fight started jokes.....

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

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During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and a technician were lined up at the guillotine to be beheaded. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." They placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the priest, so they let him go, thinking it was a miracle.

The lawyer thought, "Well if it worked for the priest, it might work for me," so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the lawyer, who claimed he can't be executed twice for the same crime, so they let him go.

The technician thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, "Wait a minute! If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

Never get tired of that one

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Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar so he goes up and starts

some small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you Carmen, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.

"What's your name?"

"Beerf**k."

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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of

tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts

flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair

when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have

been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first

started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully

at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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Walton: Yo man, get a grape soda, alright?...here's a dollar.

Elroy: Yeah sure.

...*walks over gets a Pibb Xtra, comes back*

Walton: *pop..taste* wtf...this ain't grape...

LMAO...hahaha haha lol

Oh man...man. whooo.....

:|

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3 mens car break down near a farm house, they knock on the door an 3 girls open it. The men explan what's goin on and the girls offer them the chance to stay the night as long as the men don't walk down the hall or turn the light on.

They decide why the hell not and proceed down the hall gettin smacked in the face by hangin objects along the way.

One of the men turn the light on and notice dicks were hangin from the ceiling, the 3 girls said we warned you now whatever your dad does for a living has to happen to your penis.

The first man replies my dads a butcher, so they chop his off.

The second man replies my dad works at a sawmill so they proceed to saw his off.

The third man shaking in fear says well my dad works at a popsicle factory so I guess you have to suck mine off.

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Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make...... you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

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DON’T READ THIS BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS. YOU WILL GET KISSED BY THE NEAREST POSSIBLE FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. TOMMOROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. HOWEVER IF YOU DON’T POST THIS TO AT LEAST THREE VIDEOS YOU WILL DIE WITHIN 2 DAYS. NOW YOU STARTED READING SO DON’T STOP THIS IS SO SCARY SEND THIS TO FIVE OTHER VIDEOS IN 146 MINUTES WHEN YOUR’E DONE PRESS F6 AND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS. THIS IS SO SCARY BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS.

these make me lol

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There was a Chinese man went to the eye doctor. The doctor told him he had found his problem. He said Mr. Wang you have a Cateract. Mr. Wang say oh no no no I have a Rincan Towncar

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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of

tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts

flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair

when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have

been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first

started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully

at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

http://www.carolinahuddle.com/forum/showpost.php?p=3186901&postcount=270

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