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JOKES! (a thread)

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Posted

Do this:

Text "Some lady called me looking for you. She needs to talk to you ASAP. 603-413-4127"

Send it to everyone.

(call the number to see why its funny)

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution,

bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it," said the sadist.

"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it then kill it," said the murderer.

"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it

then fug it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, fug it again,

then set it on fire," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over then the masochist says....

"Meow?"

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Posted

Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene.

There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fug it up its arse.

After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says:

"What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us?

Let's destroy the evidence."

So he sticks a straw up the arse and starts sucking.

At some point he looks up to me and says: "I've had enough! You have a go."

Disgusted, I said: "fug off, you (unt! Not with the same straw!"

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Posted

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secrets

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

#5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me???

#3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

#1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!

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Posted

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank beer and whiskey, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up......

The End.

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Posted

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on,together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course ,the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the surgery, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation?"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and explained that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse who assisted me with the surgery and understood what you were going through as she herself had a similar procedure not so long ago."

"And what about the third rose then?", asked the woman.

"Oh, that's from a man in the burn unit, he wanted to thank you for the new ears!"

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Posted

My girlfriend ask me if I scream out my own name during sex.

"Well," I said, "I have to. None of the girls at the ***** house speak english."

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside . Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Lenoir NC . Reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Patterson, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from North Carolina .

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Posted

:D

here is one from me:

Alcohol Warnings - Doctor Doctor

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all

alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a

pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that

could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story

over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you

really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn

on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

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Posted

A TALE OF TWO VASECTOMIES

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but... you have Blue Cross and they have

Obama

Care."

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Posted

Whats a difference between peanut butter and jam?

... You cannot peanut butter your dicks in someones ass.

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