JOKES! (a thread)
Posted 03 April 2011 - 09:52 PM
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe and cover yourself!" he said.
Holding the shoe over her vag, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
Posted 08 April 2011 - 10:40 AM
1) Atlanta fans
2) Aint fans
3) Buccaneer fans
I know they're silly and ignorant but damn easy to laugh at!
Posted 15 April 2011 - 11:33 AM
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
Posted 19 April 2011 - 01:38 PM
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poo?
Posted 22 April 2011 - 09:14 AM
> >hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
> >The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
> > Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the
> >devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
> > Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
> >finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
> >writes him a check.
> >Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he
> >is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
> > When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
> >call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took
> >over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Posted 29 April 2011 - 04:00 PM
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me...'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Posted 22 May 2011 - 12:22 PM
B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you fuging free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other fuging hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fuging, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?
How weird is that???
Posted 22 May 2011 - 12:34 PM
that "certain people" would be me:smash:
certain people will lay both of them
Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:49 AM
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally
on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the fugin' ship?"
Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:51 AM
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Posted 09 June 2011 - 11:02 AM
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed, Arabic-looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch."
Posted 16 June 2011 - 05:22 PM
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
try to turn back their odometers.
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
Posted 25 June 2011 - 07:23 AM
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