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JOKES! (a thread)


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#271 cookinbrak

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 08:24 PM

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground. The priest says "See that little boy on the swings? I'll bet we could fug him!"

The rabbi says "Out of what?"

#272 Cat'sGrowl

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 08:47 PM

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom.


I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat
embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question:
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me.


I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!!"


1976 called..

#273 PanthaSan

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Posted 18 July 2011 - 09:29 AM

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners and drops of her clothes.

As she is leaving the clerk says..."come again".

The blonde turns arounds and says no...this time its toothpaste!

#274 cookinwithgas

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Posted 24 July 2011 - 05:53 PM

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken

#275 Razzy

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Posted 30 July 2011 - 01:15 AM

One day, a young jewish boy was at the mall when he found a nice hoodie he wanted to buy. So he asked his dad, "Dad, can I borrow $50?".

"$40 dollars!", his dad replied; "What do you want with $30?"

#276 Jangler

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    Its gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so

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Posted 30 July 2011 - 02:56 AM

1976 called..


there were cell phones in 1976?

#277 Jangler

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    Its gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so

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Posted 30 July 2011 - 03:02 AM

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

#278 PanthersPhan18

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Posted 14 August 2011 - 11:45 PM

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started...

Love me some how the fight started jokes.....

#279 PanthersPhan18

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 08:35 PM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

#280 PanthersPhan18

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 08:50 PM

During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and a technician were lined up at the guillotine to be beheaded. They were given the choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.

The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." They placed the Priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the priest, so they let him go, thinking it was a miracle.

The lawyer thought, "Well if it worked for the priest, it might work for me," so they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the lawyer, who claimed he can't be executed twice for the same crime, so they let him go.

The technician thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking up, and the technician said, "Wait a minute! If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

Never get tired of that one

#281 Jangler

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    Its gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so

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Posted 04 September 2011 - 10:35 PM

Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar so he goes up and starts
some small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you Carmen, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.

"What's your name?"

"Beerf**k."

#282 Kevin Greene

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Posted 07 September 2011 - 10:28 PM

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts
flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair
when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have
been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"



#283 necroplasm

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Posted 27 September 2011 - 01:48 AM

Walton: Yo man, get a grape soda, alright?...here's a dollar.
Elroy: Yeah sure.

...*walks over gets a Pibb Xtra, comes back*

Walton: *pop..taste* wtf...this ain't grape...

LMAO...hahaha haha lol

Oh man...man. whooo.....

:|

#284 coxc63

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Posted 27 September 2011 - 05:54 AM

3 mens car break down near a farm house, they knock on the door an 3 girls open it. The men explan what's goin on and the girls offer them the chance to stay the night as long as the men don't walk down the hall or turn the light on.

They decide why the hell not and proceed down the hall gettin smacked in the face by hangin objects along the way.

One of the men turn the light on and notice dicks were hangin from the ceiling, the 3 girls said we warned you now whatever your dad does for a living has to happen to your penis.

The first man replies my dads a butcher, so they chop his off.

The second man replies my dad works at a sawmill so they proceed to saw his off.

The third man shaking in fear says well my dad works at a popsicle factory so I guess you have to suck mine off.

#285 PanthaSan

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Posted 28 September 2011 - 12:25 PM

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. ... After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make...... you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration


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