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Fiz's guide to not being a fat disgusting neck bearded slob


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#1 Fiz

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:33 PM

if you're like most of the people on this board, you are a lard ass IT dude who sits around clicking his mouse all day in between trips to the sizzler and watching reality television. you are slowly killing yourself and are disgusting to look at so we're going to have an honest and frank discussion about why you're fat, what fat is, and how you can easily start shedding weight that doesn't involve buying magic beans off late night television

Why is being fat bad? It's my choice, you have to accept it!

Well frankly put the human body isn't designed to be fat; it's designed to starve. This makes sense of course, because it's been less than a century where the majority of the western population had an abundance of food. Combine this with living a completely sedentary lifestyle within the past two generations and you're body doesn't know what the fug is going on.

being fat screws up everything. It puts added strain on your joints and circulatory system. being fat can cause high blood pressure and stroke. it can cause horrible diseases like hardening of the arteries, which will gradually keep oxygen from your brain and turn you into a retarded, simpering man child.

the most disgusting thing is that fat eventually becomes its own organ. it secretes enzymes. it has urges. it's what tells you to eat that baconator. you have to get rid of it or it will kill you.

Listen being fat is genetic don't oppress me because i'm different

Yes fat is genetic in the sense that it's a vestigial organ left over from when we had to live through ice ages. your appendix is vestigial too but no one lets themselves die of sepsis because of genetics.

to reiterate, the drastic change in lifestyle the past 70 or so odd years has completely overridden the body in ways it hasn't adjusted to yet. if you were to design a human being to thrive right now, they'd have a tail so they could operate their mouse at the same time.

Okay I want to lose weight but I can't work out

you don't need to. working out is for people that want to build muscle. if there's any interest i'll write a primer about that, but you don't need to worry about it if you just want to lose weight. so okay, diet.

You were taught a long time ago that this is what you should be eating.

Posted Image

notice anything about this uselessly vague diagram? yeah, check out all that bread. you don't need to eat all that bread. as a matter of fact, that's way too many carbs. don't eat those. or drink those for that matter. Just forget that thing exists at all. it was created by lobbyists.

come to think of it, since everyone's body reacts differently to different kinds of food, let's just throw out some quick rules.

Never eat anything that's been advertised

if you follow this rule, you will lose weight like whoa. This basically takes out anything that comes in a box, anything with an ad campaign behind it, and most of the grocery store. shop at your local farmers markets.

Uh, I just want to go to harris teeter and um...i like wheat thins

Okay fine lumpen. Eat as few things from the center of the grocery store as possible. you want to stick to the periphery. vegetables, meats, etc are put around the edge because those are the things that will go bad. At the very center of the store are twinkies.

just to put this into perspective, the reason things decay and go bad is because bacteria eat them. twinkies and junk food don't go bad because bacteria, which reproduces and evolves infinitely faster than humans, haven't figured out a way to break it down. Why in the world is it not good enough for bacteria but good enough for you?

I literally cannot stop eating fast food

jesus christ stop that poo. fast food is going to murder you. everything about fast food is meant to addict you, from HFCS to that poo they call cheese that's been genetically altered to create the most pleasing sensation for you as possible. even their salads are bad.

if you absolutely have to eat fast food for whatever reason, look for like a subway or an arby's, or chik-fil-a. arby's roast beef sandwiches aren't horrible, just as long as you don't get like giant things of curly fries and a large soda. CFA's grilled chicken sandwich is coo, with the same stipulations as above. if you order the right thing at subway, you're golden.

RIGHT THING AT SUBWAY - deli meats, veggies, whole wheat bread, mustard

WRONG THING AT SUBWAY - white bread meatball marinara fried in mayonnaise with a large drink and chips. I'm dieting!

SPEAKING of soda - it's liquid candy. stop drinking it.

SPEAKING of drinking - beer is nothing but carbs and empty calories. Lite beer is a farce because you'll just drink more of it. a shot of alcohol has about 70-80 calories depending on what it is, so it's just as bad. I don't know what to tell you, but if you really want to lose weight, get rid of all that shitty domestic beer in the fridge.

Okay I've got all this food what do I do with it - cook it. even if you don't know your way around the kitchen and are too lazy to spend thirty seconds online looking for healthy recipes, you know how to grill something. just toss that poo on the grill. Veggies? Lean Meats? fug it, grill it.

Speaking of grilling - no hot dogs are not okay. neither are burgers, unless you make them yourself with lean ground beef.

Speaking of pork products - honestly with pork the best bet is just to stop. Stop eating it. It's disgusting. it's by far the most disgusting of any aggro farming business. here read this and you'll never eat pork again.

Small poo - throw out all your mayo. mustard is now the only acceptable condiment. horseradish sauce as well, but you have to be a man to put that on and you all are pathetic fat man beasts.

stop putting cream and sugar in your coffee. suck it up. nothing wakes you up like the harsh impact of bitter justice on your throat.

never go to starbucks again. there is nothing there that isn't bad for you. no, frappacino's are not acceptable substitutes for ice cream.

you will save money. making your own food costs worlds less than going out. think of all the cash you'll have to outfit your "man cave" with Panther drapes and all over sorts of embarrassing poo no one should ever do. then you can post incessantly about every little thing you do and be as pathetic as akpantherfan.

I want to like count calories and poo how do i do that

write down every single thing you eat for a week. be specific about this. figure out how many servings of cheetos you're actually shoving down your fat, gaping maw. it'll make it easier later.

go to any website online that will count your calories for you for free. put it in. i wouldn't be surprised if some of you are past 6k a day, which is lunacy. cut it down by 25%.

losing weight is all about eating HEALTHY calories, and taking in fewer than you expend during the day. how many should you eat? human body needs like 15 calories per pound to keep it operating. you want to lose weight, so drop it down to 10-12, depending on how into this you are.

losing three pounds in a month is easy as hell. that's 36 pounds a year. hell, you can probably do that by not drinking soda.

we're shooting for 10 pounds a month here.

the best thing is that working out and losing weight are ADDICTIVE. if you do this for a few months, you'll want me to write out the next post, which is how to start working out.

Basic Cardio

swim laps, walk, elliptical machine. low contact. you're too fat to work out fatty.

#2 Epistaxis

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:43 PM

Awesome rant.

#3 God

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:45 PM

I like baconators though!

#4 Zcustom

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:53 PM

ATTN: Fiz

Please Die

Thanks

#5 PanthaSan

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:53 PM

Just do Meth. You can eat what you want and still lose weight...

#6 Epistaxis

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:58 PM

Back when we used to wire people shut, even the fattest of the fatties would drop 10-20.

I should set up a clinic, but the bastages would likely just put the baconator in a blender.

#7 King Taharga

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:59 PM

thanks Fiz, lots of useful info even if is presented in a weird condescending fashion.

#8 Delhommey

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:03 PM

The day I stop drinking beer is the day I die.

#9 Kettle

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:08 PM

aaawwww. Fiz cares. kinda.

seriously though I have already done most of these things. no soda, mayo. less carbs (its hard to satisfy the hunger with none). drinking less beer (what man will cut it out altogether?). I'm at my second gym (the Y) because I didn't like the first. Men's Health magazine and website has good recipes and workouts for all levels.

Counting calories and giving up cookies has been the hardest part. I'm gonna have to look up one of the calorie counter sites. Care to suggest one Fiz? The last fitness test had me at average all around including a 17% body fat. I'm trying to get even leaner though, and am lifting a few days a week along with cardio a few times a week.

#10 Fiz

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:41 PM

any of them will work.

with counting calories the most important thing is how much effort you put in to it when you're keeping track. People like to ignore stuff like cups of coffee, but that's easily 100+ calories with the way people drink it in this country.

#11 Fiz

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:42 PM

also if anyone needs help not drinking beer, just resign yourself to drinking only VERY expensive beer.

then you can be an irritating poo, you'll drink less, and the beer you do drink won't be that watery crap americans think is good

#12 Delhommey

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:45 PM

Yuengling, Shiner and Carta Blanca are not expensive. They are also not watery.

I'll still take a martini any day.

#13 Fiz

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:46 PM

Yuengling, Shiner and Carta Blanca are not expensive. They are also not watery.

they're also not good

#14 Kettle

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:47 PM

i like yuengling

#15 Scrumtrilescent

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:50 PM

I'm drinking a Highland Gaelic Ale right now.


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