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Matt Foley

Chimp victim

38 posts in this topic

Please, this chimp took over 15 minutes to do that damage to the old lady. You don't think I couldn't beat an old lady worse than that in 10 minutes? 5? My damage per second would be much higher. I could easily kill an old lady in a minute tops.

"Oh, but the angry chimp chews fingers off."

Screw that. The chimp's angry. Big deal. I'm angry. You don't think I can chew fingers off if I wanted to? Please.

The only reason I'm not killing chimps right now is 1) my lack of proximity to chimps, and 2) that I don't currently have the strong primal inclination to do so.

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Please, this chimp took over 15 minutes to do that damage to the old lady. You don't think I couldn't beat an old lady worse than that in 10 minutes? 5? My damage per second would be much higher. I could easily kill an old lady in a minute tops.

"Oh, but the angry chimp chews fingers off."

Screw that. The chimp's angry. Big deal. I'm angry. You don't think I can chew fingers off if I wanted to? Please.

The only reason I'm not killing chimps right now is 1) my lack of proximity to chimps, and 2) that I don't currently have the strong primal inclination to do so.

Carolina Husker = SmartCar

smartcar.jpg

Chimp = Dump truck

1-dump-truck.jpg

Old lady = Hoverround

unicorn_hoveround.jpg

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That, sir, is an orangutan.

Common theme with all these chimp attack stories? Old woman, old man, helpless child. I'm not any of those. Chimp-human attacks are relatively common and documented cases number in the dozens (if not hundreds). They always involve women and children - but more commonly - unattended children. In all the cases of chimp violence - they never mess with young, healthy, adult males. I dare you to find a documented case.

Most adult males could probably stalemate a chimp easily - but we're talking about a well conditioned athlete here. Chimps are great at pulling and tearing - but that's if you play into their hands.

When an old woman or man is initially attacked, how do they react? They throw thier hands to thier face and say, "oh, stop it Bubbles, stop it" while backing up and trying to get away. Before you know it, they're screaming "help" after the chimp knocks thier passive old asses to the floor and starts chewing fingers and noses. At that point, they've already lost.

I wouldn't do that at all. Chimps are evolutionarily designed for that pulling, tugging type of fight. If you try to push them off of you - they'll win. Chimps, however, are not accustomed to getting hit in the mouth. They have no evolutionarily developed resistance to a right hook. Their glass chins will shatter. No chimp has ever been hit in the face in the wild like I'd hit him.

The smart money is on me.

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Didn't Michael Jackson used to bang a chimp named Bubbles?

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Put me on Monkey Island when I'm angry, and you'll have to rename the damn thing.

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No.

But using transitive properties based on this theory, I also think I could beat up 64,000 cats simultaneously or 41 midgets. Whichever had more gusto to make the first move.

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That, sir, is an orangutan.

Common theme with all these chimp attack stories? Old woman, old man, helpless child. I'm not any of those. Chimp-human attacks are relatively common and documented cases number in the dozens (if not hundreds). They always involve women and children - but more commonly - unattended children. In all the cases of chimp violence - they never mess with young, healthy, adult males. I dare you to find a documented case.

.

There was a story about just such a case in Vanity Fair about six months ago. Guy had a chimp and it was taken away. He went to visit it on some chimp rescue whateveryacallit and two or three other chimps attacked him. Guy was an ex-football player. They did pretty much the same thing to him that this one did to Charla Nash.

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