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Other NFL Guarantees Inspired by Ryan Kalil


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#1 w280sax

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 09:51 PM

http://espn.go.com/b...d-newspaper-ads

I intend to write my own when I have a chance. Add your own.

#2 w280sax

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 10:31 PM

I guarantee...to take a knee after fielding kickoffs with an unwavering intensity and determination that is warrior-like the first time and everytime this season. My touchbacks will inspire my offensive unit until they achieve their inevitable three and out with maximum efficiency.
--Browns Kick Returner Josh Cribbs

I guarantee...that I will keep self-inflicted gunshots to an absolute minimum during this NFL season.
--Plaxico Burress

I promise to not curl up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb, on the field when the pressure is on and I absolutely have to miss a big kick this season. Also, I promise to never hurt myself celebrating Gramatica-style after making a big kick. In fact, I'll just not make any big kicks to be safe.
--Olindo Mare

#3 w280sax

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 10:38 PM

I promise to not publicly discuss my foot fetishes or any other peculiarities that I may have. In fact, I will definitely not discuss how I like to jello wrestle with midget transvestites while wearing a diaper and a cologne made of my own urine. Nope, I guarantee that I won't talk about that.
--Rex Ryan

#4 w280sax

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 10:58 PM

I guarantee that we, the Jacksonville Jaguars, will NOT win the Super Bowl. I mean, honestly, have you seen our team? I think our roster may be some sort of practical joke. Blaine Gabbert? I don't even know who our receivers are? Our running back is awesome but I think he may be holding out due to embarassment moreso than for money and really who can blame him. No, we definitely won't win a Super Bowl...I don't know if we will win a game.
--Maurice Jones Drew

#5 w280sax

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 11:02 PM

I'm quitting now; I think I may have climaxed with the midget jello transvestite wrestling (I know Rex Ryan did).

#6 CarolinaPanthers8789

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 11:36 PM

This is why I won't be back

Sincerely

- Jeff Otah

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