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Disciplining a 15-yo..?

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Posted

Threaten to sell her to a Arabian sex slave ring.

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Posted

Threats are useless unless you plan on following through with them... You part Arabic? Talk to me...

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Dont think youre prying at all Inimicus, your question is very relevant & influential on the situation...

I picked something up from my wife's aunt a few years back. When people are at your house and one of their kids does something, the 1st time its on them to handle it, after that its on you as its your house. Now I get this is the 1st tiem this happened, but it is my son. I do not even want to consider what could have been, Im just glad nothing did happen to my boy...

This is a huge mistake on her part, Im do not agree with a light punishment. I have doubts my mother-in-law would have punished her accordingly. So I am.. But I want to be smart and teach her a lesson....

Actually, I agree with this to a point. (First punishment is on the parent.) But "your house, your rules" also has to come into play.

When my 1st neice was young, she was around 6-7 yo. My sister and BIL were down for Thanksgiving, I was up from NC. My neice wanted to play piano. So my Mom and neice sat down at the piano and my Mom started to play. I was sitting next to the piano, My sister was in another chair in the living room. Everyone else were out in the den.

My Mom started to play, however my neice just wanted to bang on the keys. My Mom very politely told her that it wasn't good to bang on the keys, and suggested they play a song together. My neice stopped and my Mom started to play chopstix. My neice started banging on the keys again with her fists. My Mom kept playing and my neice hauled off and hit her on the arm.

I waited about 10 second for my sister to step in, finally, I told my neice. "You do that again, and I'll put you over my knee. My neice defiantly told me that I couldn't, I wasn't her parent. I gave her my serious look and told her. "Parent or not, you just hit my Mother. And no one hits my Mother!" My niece said she was sorry to me. I told her she needed to apologize to her Grandmother. To which she did. Case closed.

My sister never said a word to her daughter or to me. I kind of expected my Sister to say something to me about not having any chldren and threatening to discipline hers. But I was glad she didn't. (I might have put her over my knee.)

It may have not been my place to step in. My Mom basically raised me by herself. I didn't care who you were, you showed her respect.

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Posted

As the father of a 12yo and a almost 17yo, the punishment of taking things/time is about the only thing worth doing.

For my 17yo in particular it's his phone or computer, or his time that he has to go to the various events he wants, ie he has to sit in his room instead of going to an event.

In light of what I know of your situation J, it sounds like you're on the right track. In all honesty, it's your MiL's place to deal with, but if she is not going to, then you and your wife must. Not just for your sake, but also for the sake of the girl. Someone in her life must impose order and discipline, else she'll become an adult with little to no personal responsibility.

As far as the punishment goes, idk if I have enough info to determine... taking her phone away for a period is an ok punishment, but I wouldn't give it back until you're clear that she understands the gravity of the situation. It's not like she forgot to let the dog out or pick up the trash, she left your kid hanging, which is very serious.

Also, if there is any other alternative to her picking up the kids at the bus stop, I would pursue that, at least for the time being as the safety of the other kids is paramount here.

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Posted

Here's how you "discipline" them at an older age. As a rule...if you haven't laid the groundwork prior to about 13, it's going to be very difficult changing them.

What you do is focus on how the things she has is a result of doing what's asked of her. Just like you go to work to earn a living to make money to BUY things like phones, cars, and etc...if you did not do what was asked of you, you'd lose those things because you'd be fired. She has to earn those things back. One day phone revocation seems weak. If you're going to do a one day phone ban, you need to lay out the next level of consequences. Otherwise, it's just a one day loss of phone priveleges. Lay out the consequences (like a job where you're given opportunities of mistakes) and be clear and follow through.

For example...my 8 yr old boy eats/lives/breathes baseball. He'd been asked to play for the select team at our area and we were prepared to let him. He'd hit his sister in the van with my wife one day and it really upset my wife and I explained that that was never tolerated and if he did that again, for any reason, I would take something he holds very dear away from him...and I even told him that could include him playing select ball. In the pool that weekend, he got angry and hit...I immediately told him what he'd done and he just lost any chance at playing fall select league. He was devastated...and sadly I WAS devastated, because I really wanted him to play. Sometimes even as a parent you have to make the tough call, even when it's something you'd like for them to do. He'll never again question whether I'll follow through on a punishment.

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Posted

I completely agree. I feel this is something I need to handle, especially since I do not have faith the my MIL would or could handle it properly. Jaime does not respect her mother, she does respect me.. If I felt like my MiL would parent appropriately then i wouldve let her. She gave me nothing even close to she was going to do anything, I believe she knew we would and wsnt going to get in our way....

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Posted

What is the age difference between your wife and her sister? If it is close (22-25) I would say punishment needs to be put on your MIL. If she cannot make her daughter understand what you and your wife are doing for them and have her respect that, then they need to stay elsewhere

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I just want to say kudos to you parents for disciplining your kids. I'm a high school teacher and my wife is a middle school teacher. It's amazing how many students drive nicer cars than we do, have the best phones, go to concerts, etc..... that are complete pains in the ass and when you have a conversation with a parent you get the "I just don't know what to do" deal.

Kid doesn't work hard in school? Gets in trouble cussing and acting like a butt-head? Taking their phone away is the best punishment EVAH for a teenager. I have had students BEG for me not to call their mom or dad because they'd lose their phone for a week or two. Straightens them right out, at least temporarily, Trouble is too many parents want to be their kids friend and not their parent.

Oh, and I agree-- your house, your rules, especially if there is an understanding in place about her responsibilities.

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Posted

My wife is 33, so about 18 year difference... I have already had the disagreement with my MiL about raising her daughters. She said she raised them both the same way. I told her that she cant do that, they are completely different people and you cannot cookie cutter raising children. This all stemmed from Jaime having a boy over after school when no responsible adult was around. I will not allow that.... But that is another story...

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My wife is 33, so about 18 year difference... I have already had the disagreement with my MiL about raising her daughters. She said she raised them both the same way. I told her that she cant do that, they are completely different people and you cannot cookie cutter raising children. This all stemmed from Jaime having a boy over after school when no responsible adult was around. I will not allow that.... But that is another story...

I figured that a boy was involved somewhere in there.

Also why is she not in school?

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Posted

The incident above & what happened yesterday are not directly related... The above happened late Sept/early Oct....

She is, she goes to high school and her day is done before the elementary schools let out....

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The incident above & what happened yesterday are not directly related... The above happened late Sept/early Oct....

She is, she goes to high school and her day is done before the elementary schools let out....

Gotcha.

Maybe set up a daily reminder on that sacred phone of hers.

At the same time, assign extra chores for her to do as well, and put those on the phone calendar.

All kids and many adults need some structure. Don't let her get away with "blonde moments".

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