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The ability of Fathers and Sons to have a conversation...

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Posted

I have a great relationship with my father. I value it tremendously and know not everyone is lucky enough to have what I have. I used to take it for granted but that all changed about 6 years ago.

when you got your period?

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Posted

it ties in a little. it's honestly a ridiculously long and complicated story but he does insist he'll never talk to me again because i bartend... lol

Wow, that must be pretty hard to swallow?

Can't imagine cutting someone out of my life because of the work they choose to support their family.

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Posted

it ties in a little. it's honestly a ridiculously long and complicated story but he does insist he'll never talk to me again because i bartend... lol

wow, that's tough man.

I guess I'll never understand the way some people think. I can't imagine anything that my sons could do to disappoint me so much that I wouldn't want to have a relationship with them.

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Posted

when you got your period?

I thought it was marinara

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Posted

I am the youngest of my father's 4 sons...the previous three...one committed suicide when I was 11, the other two both dropped out of school before getting to grade 12. One of those has gone on to be quite successful at his own business, the other was and is always the black sheep of the family. So I grew up with all this pressure to be the good son, the successful son, go to school, you can't have fun, blah blah blah. Yes, it molded me some, but it also made me bitter.

now, due to illnesses etc, my dad and I barely speak. We had a time in between school and about 15 years ago that we got pretty close, but due to some very odd and extreme circumstances of late, we hardly talk at all. I will regret this I am sure at some point, but right now, it works.

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Posted

wow, that's tough man.

I guess I'll never understand the way some people think. I can't imagine anything that my sons could do to disappoint me so much that I wouldn't want to have a relationship with them.

yeah it's dumb. there was a lot of physical and verbal abuse when i was growing up, it was a really toxic environment but he never really ceased contact entirely until i blew my knees out and got a rejection notice from the marine corps and moved out and started "dressing like a punk" (khaki cargoes and flip flops lol... he's stuck in the 60's) and listening to evil satan rock music (back then it was christian rock... again lol) and subsequently quit my job and traveled the world. then any contact was solely to insist i'd be homeless, never publish a book, etc.

once i started bartending he cut me off completely, told me he didn't consider me related to him anymore, refused to come to my wedding in spite of repeated invites, and when he found out my wife was pregnant he told my mom that he didn't want any part of the baby's life, etc.

in retrospect there is good to come of it because i'm now very conscious of the necessity to do everything i can to not be a complete dick of a father

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Posted

damn that sounds so familiar Phiily!

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Posted

it's amazing really how much your post made my blood boil now! it's made me realize that I've got alot of anger and poo just locked up inside of me and that I should probably have a major vent session with someone soon before I pop my top.

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Posted

it's amazing really how much your post made my blood boil now! it's made me realize that I've got alot of anger and poo just locked up inside of me and that I should probably have a major vent session with someone soon before I pop my top.

i'm fortunate to have an extremely good network and community of people i'm close to that i've been able to discuss this sort of thing with for years... it's really helped me to come to terms with a lot of it and develop strategies for making sure i don't perpetuate these harmful trends in my own offspring. i think it's part of why i'm able to talk about it emotionlessly and detachedly. when you internalize these things it can get ugly.

if you want to vent about stuff, this may be as good a place as any (especially because it seems like half the people on here have dealt with similar poo.) what better shrink's office than a thread on the carolina huddle dot com?

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Posted

good support is a hard thing to find....and for me, letting it out seems to be even harder.

I've got poo in me that's never been let out...and probably never will!

on this topic though..it just fuging amazes me how much pressure my parents put on me when I was growing up to be the good son, to not fug up like my brithers did, to make something of myself. All at the same time there was no trust, no length of leash...just do what you're told and be good with that. Be honest. How many times I got in poo over the years for apparently not being honest because that was so important! Was something I truly tried to build my foundation on and I think I was successful. Then I find out, poo, only a few years ago that my entire family structure was built on nothing but lies. That whole story of your mom and I meeting in school and being true loves from day one...guess what...all bullshit. Your mom was married when I met her...that older sister you have and that older brother that you used to have...oh...we might have forgotten to mention, your mom had them before we even met. oh, and your next oldest brother, well, he was born a few months after your mom and I got married. Sorry...we might have missed those details! My oldest sister knew all this time that 'dad' wasnt her dad all along and you know...please don't tell your brothers and your little sister because they don't really need to know...we'll decide when it's best.

there's the whole physical abuse piece...the child abandonment piece...my sister and I joke about it now...but I don't know how many times her and I would be out with our parents on vacation and they would feel the need to go to the bar and have a few drinks...and well...its just easier if you two just wait in the car....we know it's 110 degrees...but that little tree there will provide some shade soon. We'll just have one and be right back!!! ya....right

that's just the start of it....so much more inside that will always remain inside...so much more than when spoken of or typed out would sound trivial I am sure...but when you add it all up....well, it really adds up!!!

fug em I say

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Posted

My dad is pretty great. Except for his racism. I have scolded him enough for it now, that he knows not to do things around me like using slurs, telling jokes, etc. And he knows the worst thing he could do is to do something like that around my daughter.

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Posted

good support is a hard thing to find....and for me, letting it out seems to be even harder.

I've got poo in me that's never been let out...and probably never will!

on this topic though..it just fuging amazes me how much pressure my parents put on me when I was growing up to be the good son, to not fug up like my brithers did, to make something of myself. All at the same time there was no trust, no length of leash...just do what you're told and be good with that. Be honest. How many times I got in poo over the years for apparently not being honest because that was so important! Was something I truly tried to build my foundation on and I think I was successful. Then I find out, poo, only a few years ago that my entire family structure was built on nothing but lies. That whole story of your mom and I meeting in school and being true loves from day one...guess what...all bullshit. Your mom was married when I met her...that older sister you have and that older brother that you used to have...oh...we might have forgotten to mention, your mom had them before we even met. oh, and your next oldest brother, well, he was born a few months after your mom and I got married. Sorry...we might have missed those details! My oldest sister knew all this time that 'dad' wasnt her dad all along and you know...please don't tell your brothers and your little sister because they don't really need to know...we'll decide when it's best.

there's the whole physical abuse piece...the child abandonment piece...my sister and I joke about it now...but I don't know how many times her and I would be out with our parents on vacation and they would feel the need to go to the bar and have a few drinks...and well...its just easier if you two just wait in the car....we know it's 110 degrees...but that little tree there will provide some shade soon. We'll just have one and be right back!!! ya....right

that's just the start of it....so much more inside that will always remain inside...so much more than when spoken of or typed out would sound trivial I am sure...but when you add it all up....well, it really adds up!!!

fug em I say

hot damn. i'm going to stop complaining now

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