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The ability of Fathers and Sons to have a conversation...


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#61 Future Of The Franchise

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 03:54 PM

I can't talk to my Dad about anything other than football.

This is pretty much the only time I talk to my dad. Since the Bears and the Panthers are both sitting at home I probably wont hear from him til the draft.

#62 Hawk

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 03:54 PM

it just really stirred something up in me....there's so much more, but I'm a bottler.

there's things that I'd like to talk about, not necessarily here...but with my parents and a couple other family members...but deep inside I feel there's two ways to go...keep them to myself and just let it die or get them off my chest and probably send the whole family into a tailspin.

#63 mmmbeans

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 04:01 PM

it just really stirred something up in me....there's so much more, but I'm a bottler.

there's things that I'd like to talk about, not necessarily here...but with my parents and a couple other family members...but deep inside I feel there's two ways to go...keep them to myself and just let it die or get them off my chest and probably send the whole family into a tailspin.


dude, i know this sounds cheesy... but have you ever just written a letter to him? Not mail it or anything (unless you want to...) Just to get it off your chest... get the ball rolling etc.

Sometimes it helps to say the shiat you need to say even if nobody ever hears it.

#64 Hawk

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 04:14 PM

not cheesey at all...and yes...I tried that once before...and I came real close to sending it to him. We've had a few pretty good arguments over the years and I've given him bits and pieces here and there...enough that he knows how I feel. I've never gotten into all the details...and there's things I'll more than likely just hold onto.

thanks

#65 Bronn

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 04:19 PM

I can only share the two experiences I know of first hand... so you can take from them what you will...

My parents got divorced when I was 7. I had a lot of resentment towards my dad for it and didn't really come to terms with it until I was out of high school. Yeah we visited and stuff, but it never really seemed like he cared the way my mom did. I figured out later that a lot of us dudes just don't show love the same way some do.

I'm really close to my dad now. We talk a couple times a week, and I try to see him from time to time. He's only about 20 minutes away. Things are harder now, because I'm leading an adult life like he is now and was when I was younger. I understand how hard it is to make time for certain things.

My wife's dad, from very early on in her life (even though he's always been in her life) has been relatively distant. He made it no secret that he wanted a son, and was disappointed when he found out she was going to be a she and that my mother-in-law would be incapable of birthing another child. Sure, they had their good times, but they don't even speak now. She doesn't even speak to her mom, and her dad's okay with that too. My wife hasn't talked to either of her parents in at least 3-4 years. They moved out of state back then (down to Texas) and haven't even seen our son, their only grandchild. We've sent pictures, and I think her mom might have sent one or two brief emails in that time, but the damage done so many years ago over stupid things (money/death of a relative/inheritance, etc.) will probably never be repaired at this point.

I guess my point, and main advice is, it is entirely up to you what happens with the situation. You can get the boards and the nails and try to start rebuilding (or building anew) the bridge between you and your pops, or you can walk underneath and hop in the river and see where it takes you.

If you put forth the effort, then you've done all you can do. Life is too short to dwell on those that won't love you back the way you feel you should be loved. That doesn't just go for dads, either. I tell my wife all the time that the distance between her and her parents is their loss. I know it feels like she's lost a lot too, but if it were me in her situation, I'd forge ahead and put the negativity behind me.

#66 mmmbeans

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 05:03 PM

not cheesey at all...and yes...I tried that once before...and I came real close to sending it to him. We've had a few pretty good arguments over the years and I've given him bits and pieces here and there...enough that he knows how I feel. I've never gotten into all the details...and there's things I'll more than likely just hold onto.

thanks


*brohug*

#67 PhillyB

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 06:03 PM

hawk, you may want to consider finding a somewhat detached family member (if that's possible in your case) to talk to.

my aunt and uncle (on my mom's side) have been an invaluable source of perspective for me on my family issues... i wasn't particularly close to them growing up (my dad tried to keep me from seeing them because they were "filthy stinking liberals" and a "terrible influence" on me) but since i've moved out i've gotten a lot closer and had a lot of extremely illuminating conversations with them about how i grew up. they had lots of input regarding things that i was far to young to pick up on and had not considered until they brought it up.

if you can find someone in a similar position who may be willing to listen to your anger and shed SOME sort of light on it, however dim, it might do you worlds of good. i know how it is to have that ever-twisted knot of anger smoldering in the pit of your stomach, and i can attest to the level of previously-inconceivable relief that comes from ridding yourself of it.

#68 OnlyPantherFaninMaine

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 09:51 PM

Introduce him to texting. I did the same with my father and now we send a few texts almost every day.

#69 pstall

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Posted 24 January 2013 - 10:16 PM

not cheesey at all...and yes...I tried that once before...and I came real close to sending it to him. We've had a few pretty good arguments over the years and I've given him bits and pieces here and there...enough that he knows how I feel. I've never gotten into all the details...and there's things I'll more than likely just hold onto.

thanks


hey man. i say write it and send it. if he doesn't read it or respond, that's on him. but it will help YOU get it out of your system.

it will be more liberating than you can imagine.

honesty/ humilty begets...honesty/humilty.

to give you an idea how tough of a tyrant my dad could be, i was close to 30 before i even told him about skipping school once and the look he gave me i thought he was going to drop kick me right there.

also keep in mind, he was pretty messed up when he came back from Vietnam like most who did.

but if you can free yourself of the prison you have had in some ways emotionally will do tremendous things for you. not to mention the impact it will have on others.

good luck hombre

#70 Porn Shop Clerk

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Posted 27 January 2013 - 01:26 AM

Apparently I don't have this ability, or he doesn't, or some combination of the two.
I honestly feel like I am talking to some alien person when we try and have a serious conversation.

Zero connection.

Does anyone else have this issue ? Or am I just especially fuged up? (yeah yeah)


yeah. it happens.

#71 KillerKat

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Posted 27 January 2013 - 01:40 AM

Me and my dad are almost the same person except I'm a less serious version of him. We have a lot of the same beliefs and interests, so we connect on many things. Our behavior is eerily similar as well. Yea there are some things we have extremely different opinions on, but overall I'm lucky to have a father like him.

#72 KillerKat

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Posted 27 January 2013 - 01:43 AM

My stepfather though can go to hell

#73 Zaximus

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Posted 28 January 2013 - 10:55 AM

I'm so sorry that so many of you didn't have a good relationship with your father.

I really have nothing to complain about. Shortly after I was born my dad became disabled (was cleaning a chemical tank at his job, etc). While some days he was fine, others he wouldn't be, so it was hard for him to work. My dad was a salesman, and if you ever met him, you would probably believe he was an amazing one at that. So I think he missed working, a lot. However, instead of getting down on himself and whining, he basically became a stay at home dad. My older brother and I NEVER missed a sports practice, we always had a meal on the table when we got home from school, and dad kept the house mostly spotless.

I'm so close to father, I can't imagine what it'll be like when he passes, to me, that's the scariest thought I ever have. Whenever we're together, we can talk for hours about just nonsense, as my wife and my mom just roll their eyes, haha. Over the years I've gotten some great advice, and my parents have always been there for me. But I think most of all, my father showed me how to be a real man, how to treat people, and to always do the right thing by doing it himself, and that always means more than just words.

People always say they want to give their kids more than they had, well, for me, if I reach my parents level when I have children I'll be satisfied.

#74 SCP

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Posted 28 January 2013 - 11:01 AM

I talk with my old man almost every day. He's easily my best friend.

#75 DeAngelo's #1 Fan(CRA)

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Posted 28 January 2013 - 02:10 PM

I always struggled talking to my dad...even just shooting the poo was the tough. We never really "talked". Never really talked in middle school, high school or college...I would answer his questions or maybe ask him something but we never sat down and talked.

but in my late 20's that changed. I am only 32 now but I have talked to my dad more in the last 3 years than all the other years combined.

I do have your fear that I could be like that with my son.


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