Deangelo Unleashed - Win this photoCarolina Panthers
Posted 15 May 2013 - 12:57 PM
Post something in this topic that will make me literally laugh out loud.
Posted 15 May 2013 - 01:00 PM
it's long, but read it anyway...
for whatever reason, my kids find it necessary to use half a roll of angel soft double roll toilet tissue to wipe their ass every time they go to the bathroom (i blame their mother). when warning after warning goes ignored, it finally happened.
the toilet gets clogged.
not just clogged, but completely stopped the fug up.
...and not just any toilet, but MY toilet. one of my little snots crept into my bedroom and handled their business...(my wife swears it wasn't her, but i have my suspicions). unless you're the man of the house, you have no idea how important it is to have you're own toilet. you haven't achieved anything in life until you can claim a toilet as your own. it's your throne.
so out comes the trusty plunger. i plunge, and i plunge, and i plunge, and i plunge, but the thing's still clogged. no problem. i'll just use the last resort. the snake.
it failed too.
an hour of teeth gritting swears along with plunging and snake drilling went unsuccessful. my wife recommended using the other bathroom until we can get a plumber to come and look at it. my response was a silent but effective glare. if she thinks for one damn minute that i'm going to resort to sitting on a different tiolet in my own house, she's got another thing coming. i WILL NOT be dethroned.
so off to walmart i go.
i find the plumbing section and search for something to unclog the dam that one of the ungrateful peasant of my kingdom has decided to block my moat with. unfortunately, all the product say the same unacceptable thing...they need you to not use the toilet for a few hours in order to be effective. they actually recommend not using the toilet over night!
that's a problem.
you see, like every other grown ass man i've mastered the art of going to my bathroom in the middle of the night without turning on a single light. i can maneuver thru my bedroom and into my bathroom without opening my eyes. i can handle my business without being fully awake. there's no way in hell i'm gonna be able to do that if i have to go to the other bathroom. i can't even find the other bathroom in broad daylight without having to draw up a mental map of the house.
after spitting more teeth gritting swears in the middle of the aisle, i grab one of the products off the shelf. i don't remember which one it was, and to be honest it really didn't matter. i turned to go purchase this pathetic product and something caught my eye. it looked like a bicycle pump plunger.
after reading the words "blasts thru toilet clogs" and seeing several air cartridges in the bottom corner of the package, i was sold. the snake water liquid crap i originally had got flung onto the shelf. something got knocked off it's rack and onto the floor, but i was too focused on this new contraption to even bother turning around to see what it was.
i get home and ripped the thing open. i scan the assembly illustrations and speed read the directions. it is exactly what it looks like, a bicycle pump plunger...only better. this thing blasts air down the drain.
i position my new toy the same way i did my trusty plunger and i push down on the handles. the sound was one of the coolest things i've ever heard. it was a swoosh follwed by a belch thunder rumble gurgle with waves crashing. seriously. and to make it even more hypnotic, there was what looked like steam coming up out of the toilet. i can only imaging the havoc the blast of pressurized air was causing on the contents of the drain pipes. a scene from dante's peak played out in my head. it's the one where the apocalytic cloud speeds down the mountainside and annihilates everything.
"what now?", i thought.
reload and do it again. what else?
after doing it three times, it occurred to me that at some point i should try to flush the toilet.
i still have two more cartridges to burn.
after 2 more atomic blasts it is finally the moment of truth. i pull on the handle to see the results of my controlled destruction. it flushes!
i wish my camera was working. i would have posted pics of this thing of genius. whoever invented it has my nomination for the nobel peace prize.
tomorrow, i'm going to clean out a spot in the garage for this thing to stand on it's own. it deserves it.
Posted 15 May 2013 - 01:05 PM
Posted 15 May 2013 - 01:08 PM
A girl goes into her father's study, "Daddy, why am I named rose?"
"Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your forehead."
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. "Daddy, why am I named Velvet?"
"Because the day you were born my velvet handkerchief fell out of my pocket and landed on you ."
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. "Daddy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Because the day you were--"
"SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I'M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER."