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Summer Doldrums Series: Fua vs. Instant Mashed Potatoes


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#1 SCP

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:38 PM

*
A WHOLE PIE!

If you were Dave Gettleman, would you trade Sione Fua for a bowl of Instant Mashed Potatoes? Here are the scouting reports for both.

 

Instant Mashed Potatoes

Versus the Run: Prototypical 2-minute side dish.  Very stout against low viscosity gravy. Possess extraordinary tensile strength when left in the bowl to cool for too long. Has a good initial texture. Can knock grandma's home made taters off balance. Knows how to blend with butter, sit in its bowl and melds well with minced garlic. Holds up well against the double wood spoon mix. Lacks thickness and viscosity to effectively suck through a straw and make slurping sounds. Also, is limited to filling trays inside the school lunchroom. Sometimes has a hard time competing against creamed corn. Can get fooled when turkey is added to a menu. Needs to improve it's overall importance to the American diet. 

Versus the Pass: Lacking in the flavor without adding salt & pepper department. Will not overwhelm dinner guests with smell or tastiness. Can be a power side if combined with bacon bits and cheese. Uses a powerful bowl rush to collapse the lumps and make for a smooth blend of tater, but that's the gist of his bowl rushing ability. Does do a good job of getting it's flakes all over the kitchen counter prior to adding hot water and milk.

 

Fua

Versus the Run: Pretty much stands there and gets blocked then high fives his teammates after the play. Known as a space eater but only eats roster space. Enjoys wearing white suits, flying in G-6 aircraft, and roller derby. Stout against the run if the play is coming directly at his gap and the RB yells "I'm running at you Fua!!". Has the lateral movement of a boulder. His feet are flat tires. Good teammate.

Versus the Pass: Pretty much stands there and gets blocked then high fives his teammates after the play. From time-to-time will use his 5" vertical to bat down a shovel pass. Uses his Stanford education to his advantage. Excels at yelling "Paaaaaaasssss!!!" and "Screeeeennnnn!" to alert teammates a pass or screen is coming. Good teammate.

 

 

 

 



#2 Miiikey

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:44 PM

...86 days...



#3 Kurb

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:02 PM

Fua is going to make an impact this season!



#4 lovelett

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:05 PM

I would do that trade and let the other team keep the mashed potatoes.



#5 OchoNueve

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:07 PM

Depends who we are trying to trade with... We just can't get any teams mashed potatoes.



#6 Jangler

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:16 PM

Will there be cheese in said potatoes?



#7 Scrumtrilescent

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:17 PM

You're giving the nastiness of instant mashed taters WAY too much credit.



#8 SCP

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:20 PM

Will there be cheese in said potatoes?


That's up to the coaching staff.

#9 Marguide

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:22 PM

Good read SCP, I enjoyed it. Plus, it made me kinda hungry.

Now, as to Fua...I don't understand how you draft a guy to play the nose when he always looks like the smallest guy on the line. It doesn't matter what his listed height and weight are, the guy is just flat undersized.

I predicted last season that he'd be out of professional football in 2 years. We'll see how camp goes, but it's just hard to believe he'll make the final 53.

#10 SCP

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:24 PM

Good read SCP, I enjoyed it. Plus, it made me kinda hungry.

Now, as to Fua...I don't understand how you draft a guy to play the nose when he always looks like the smallest guy on the line. It doesn't matter what his listed height and weight are, the guy is just flat undersized.

I predicted last season that he'd be out of professional football in 2 years. We'll see how camp goes, but it's just hard to believe he'll make the final 53.


Ya I don't see how he makes it unless there is an injury. We could put him on the practice squad and nobody would pick him up.

#11 Mother Grabber

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:53 PM

you can make a volcano out of mashed potatoes. Winner.

#12 FattyFatFat

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 02:05 PM

I think we might have to throw in a little bit more to sweeten the deal. Instant potatoes are fast and delicious. Fua is neither.



#13 L-TownCat

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 02:05 PM

I'm aware of instant taters work, however, Fua is much more of a side dish in his own right. Could never stand on his own, monotonous and bland with out help from others. Monotonous and bland even with the help from others yet still maintains caloric importance in the way that Twinkies provide nutritional balance. Will always be passed over in the bufett line but seems to maintain a spot based on value and lack of alternatives. Neutral tones make this side blend in with its environment making it very hard to remember that it's even there unless forced to. In most cases a side of Fua leaves you bloated, gassy, slightly nauseous, irritable, with mild to severe anal leakage. Fua should be avoided at all costs.





So yeah, make the trade.

#14 carolina-chuck

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 02:11 PM

If Cole makes this team, I fully expect to see Fua gone. McClain was the better player and got cut last year. Only reason why Fua' @ss is still on this team as that we were thin at NT last year. We're only going to carry 4-5 DTs, probably "4": Star, Cole, Edwards, Short.

#15 89 Bottom Line

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 05:05 PM

Fua might get us someone's brussel sprouts.


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