As a wise man named Louie C.K. once said, "People from Phoenix are Phoenicians". So this week we get to turn our ire towards a dry, barin wasteland sammiched between New Mexico, California, Ivan The Awesome, and a bunch of mormons. The Cardinals play in a state known for a governor that hates Mexicans. The very same Mexican-Americans who happen to make up a large portion of her states populus. Instead of locking out Mexicans seeking work, she should be building a wall between Arizona and the yankee pipeline that funnels fowl mouthed transplants from the midwest and northeast to that moisture sucking hell hole. Fuging retirees sucking off the government teet and bandwagining for the Cardinals until their Giants or Patriots come to town. Phoenix is the only town that is home to more Steeler and Cowboy retards than our very own Charlotte, NC. Dry heat? Dry heat is a reference to the huge population of ederly women that have relocated to Phoenix from Wilkes-Barre, PA and have brought with them their moisture starved vaginas. Good lord if I could stand the heat I would move out there and sell KY Jelly by the tank truck load. Yes, the mighty Cardinals stormed into Charlotte a few years ago and took with them a victory that set our franchise into a spiral that we have yet to correct. But I attribute that more to the 8 Cardinals fans in the stands making it impossible for Jake Delhomme to find a rythm than to the play of Kurt Warner and Larr Fitzgerald. While Arizona boasts some of the most beautiful co-eds in the world, the sheer number of Applebee's in the greater Scottsdale/Phoenix area disqualifies the region from any bragging rights. Phoenix is the only town in the world where Buick dealers carry more clout than the local politicans. So Phoenicians, it's time to tighten up your Depends straps and pull up your black socks because my Panthers are coming to town. Make sure to take your Geritol because Huddle West is going to invade that sandy ass town of yours and represent.
As for the game this Sunday, I have no idea. Your o-line sucks worse than the 4:30 K&W Cafeteria early-bird dinner line in Scottsdale. You guys have some playmakers in the secondary in Honey Weasle and Peterson but are giving up 22.2 points per game? We are shackled by a nincompoop for a head coach. So I call it a push. I think my Panthers squeak out a close one and win 21-17. If I'm wrong, oh well fug it. You guys are still home to more Canadian transplants than us.