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Anger: how to deal.


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#31 Kevin Greene

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 12:51 AM

at 22 i had a gun pointed at my head by a gang that thought I owed them money for a drug deal gone bad. i calmly and jokingly talked my way out and ultimately became life long friends with some of those guys.

 

oh and i was the only white guy in the room.

 

later that same year i narrowly escaped being involved in what of the states largest drug bust at that time. a girl who was in love with me who was getting money funneled to her by corrupt lawyers and judges. yes. i said lawyers AND judges.

 

within the same year i coached a middle school baseball team to a city championship. got back from charleston and an earthy day celebration binge fest with NO money and got a free tank of gas and free food. i lived 3 hrs from chuck town.

 

its called charm, quick talking and hazel eyes padre. you gotta play the cards you are dealt and keep rolling.

 

Sometimes I think you're completely full of shyt.

 

Then you tell another sage story.



#32 thefuzz

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 11:00 AM

It's a tough thing to do, but the older I get the more I subscribe to it.

 

Getting angry over things that you can't control can lead to huge issues down the road.

 

Take a step back, think about the good things in your life, evaluate what you can control and can't, and go from there.

 

Good Luck, and stay safe.

 

 



#33 Cat

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 11:22 AM

I do think people understand. That was an inappropriate thing for me to say. I do talk to my buddies but they don't seem to really care. I feel like I'm supposed to hold back my feelings and it freaking blows because I'm supposed to be the strong SGT. Sorry I had to fugging blab about problems on here. It's just been a hard couple of months.

 

Seems like you don't think you have a right to having feelings and vent. 

 

Best advice I can give is a counselor/therapist. They listen, don't judge and you get it all out. Nothing wrong with talking to someone. 



#34 TheRumGone

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 11:47 AM

i think a lot of this has to do with you being a soldier and having to maintain the "strong, silent type" image.

 

you are human. every human has emotions. find positive outlets for your anger. I used to have major anger problems when i was younger. punching holes in walls. punched a few brick walls and broke my hand a couple times, charged at people, got into some bar fights. i found positive outlets for my anger with playing guitar, writing and listening to music, talking to friends who i knew would at the very least listen to my problems, and sports.

 

i'm guessing you are in afghanistan so your options are limited. I think phillyb's advice about keeping a journal is a great idea. its a way to release all that negative poo out in a positive way. if you hold all that stuff in for too long you will explode. keeping a journal or finding other ways to release that energy will help. talk to other soldiers who you think will listen. there's gotta be somebody there who is going through the same as you, poo probably most.

 

and thanks for your service. my cousin did two tours in iraq and told me some stories. you guys are some of the mentally strongest people on the planet. stay safe and get your ass back home. good luck buddy.



#35 Epistaxis

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 12:04 PM

When life throws a lot of crap at you all at once, I think the best thing you can do is prioritize.

 

It is unrealistic to expect that you can "deal with it all".

 

Instead, deal with the most important issue first.

 

In my mind, that means you temporarily put all your personal crap on hold. As an NCO, it is up to you to get your guys and yourself home in one piece, while still accomplishing your mission to the best of your ability. That is enough to occupy your mind. Totally immerse yourself in that task.

 

Once this deployment is over, prioritize again. What is number one AFTER that? Girlfriend situation? Fine. Deal with it. Accomplish the goal. Move the chains to the next priority.

 

Move the chains. Methodical. Plan. Execute.



#36 P.I.A

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 02:22 PM

When life throws a lot of crap at you all at once, I think the best thing you can do is prioritize.

It is unrealistic to expect that you can "deal with it all".

Instead, deal with the most important issue first.

In my mind, that means you temporarily put all your personal crap on hold. As an NCO, it is up to you to get your guys and yourself home in one piece, while still accomplishing your mission to the best of your ability. That is enough to occupy your mind. Totally immerse yourself in that task.

Once this deployment is over, prioritize again. What is number one AFTER that? Girlfriend situation? Fine. Deal with it. Accomplish the goal. Move the chains to the next priority.

Move the chains. Methodical. Plan. Execute.

Compartmentalization. That's how I usually drive on. But my sh!t cracked. I'm solid now. Thanks for the moto.

#37 h0llywood

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 03:24 PM

1) Go see the Chaplan

2) Go see the Chaplan

3) Go see the Chaplan

 

In all seriousness, if not the chaplan, go talk to someone else. When you distract your mind and remove yourself emotionally you should get an overview of your situation. Where you are is not a good place to release negative anger. 



#38 PanthaSan

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 03:36 PM

PIA, I totally get what you are going through.   Maybe not from your perspective but from my own.

 

I'm a BTDT and all I can say is you need to get through this deployment by any means possible......without blowing your stack.

 

If you are in a leadership role, you need to keep it together as an example to your squad/platoon/chalk or whatever you are in command of.  If you find yourself slipping, talk to Top or your SGM.  Even the chaplain of your choice can suggest options.

 

You are not the first person to go through something like this and sadly, you won't be the last.  It is important to be aware of how operational you are at any given time and knowing your limits.  That's what's gonna help you get your guys home in one piece.

 

As for the girlfriend and home issues, Fug that!  Staying focused on where you are and what you are doing is your primary task.  That stuff will still be there when you come home and any distraction is dangerous to your health. 

 

As for the locals, fug that too.  It isn't your fault for what your predescessors did and it is not your responsibility to be all United Nations-ish with them.  They will try to take advantage of the situation and will mistake your nice-ness as weakness.  Just drive on and do whatever you are required to do as part of your job.  Be clinical.   They'll live.

 

If there is nothing you can find that will help, even after a bunch of good advice from this place, you still have another option.

 

Go outside that wire and get some.  Nothing like a good old fashioned firefight to help you realize what's immediately important and what can wait to be dealt with later.

 

Good luck, my Brother and make sure you come back in one piece...



#39 PanthaSan

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 03:41 PM

1) Go see the Chaplan

2) Go see the Chaplan

3) Go see the Chaplan

 

In all seriousness, if not the chaplan, go talk to someone else. When you distract your mind and remove yourself emotionally you should get an overview of your situation. Where you are is not a good place to release negative anger. 

 

h0llwood knows.  He's a BTDT also.

 

Hey buddy, how ya been?



#40 pstall

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 08:53 PM

i second what philly said as well. many guys i have counseled over the years who had some deep rooted or unresolved junk the first thing i would suggest is to write. don't worry about what but just write.

somehow putting on paper whats in your head/heart seems to make it so much smaller.



#41 Davidson Deac II

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 09:03 PM

Fwiw, when I got angry and or frustrated when I was in the military, I would run. Sounds crazy, but after about a mile and a half or so, most of whatever was pissing me off would just melt away. To bad that my knees can't handle it anymore, I could probably use a long run.

#42 saX man

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 12:47 AM

Did someone recommend cannabis yet? I have not read the thread.  :)



#43 TNPanther

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 02:55 AM

Talk it out. I deal with my own anger issues all the time. Some days people piss me off to the point where I feel like Trevor from GTA V. I call one of my friends or my mom and just vent. Sometimes, going into a slides place and letting out the biggest, loudest scream you can relieves tension.

Another thing I've done is put pen to paper. When my girlfriend cheated on me and broke up with me for that guy, I wanted to kill her. I sat down and wrote down a very mean but therapeutic message to her that I'd keep to myself. It worked.

Sent from my SGH-T999



#44 Anybodyhome

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 09:25 AM

PIA, while never ground deployed as you currently are, I was sea deployed many times during my Navy career and experienced many of the same feelings and manifestations of the deployment you are currently facing. Let me assure you, this isn't unique to your situation and you're not alone.

 

The anger creeps in no matter what kind, length or the mission of the deployment is. It's a natural reaction to being ordered away from your home, your family and the life you've worked so hard to make for yourself. These fuggers come along and tell you to pack your poo, we're outta here for the next 6-12 months. You're forced to leave behind spouse, family, significant other, whomever and at the same time keep that "game face" on because you're a badass soldier. Every one of us who ever deployed has those same feelings, my friend. Depending on how you look at it, not having any of the family obligations or a spouse or family of your own makes it much easier because you don't have the dual responsibility of trying to keep your family together from thousands of miles away while at the same time making sure your guys keep their heads out of their asses. That's why you probably have guys in your charge who have no girlfriend, wife or otherwise and they seem to have no problems whatsoever being away for any length of time.

 

My last deployment was the first Gulf War and by that time I had completed 18 years in, had been deployed and TAD more times than I wanted to think about, but I still experience some of the same feelings you're going through. I was fortunate that my rank had a few perks and I was competing in triathlons at the time, so I got to take my training bike with me and during the late night hours I'd ride that stationary bike for hours. It did a couple things for me- kept me in shape, kept my mind clear and forced me to focus.

 

The release of the anger emotion is physical, whether or not you make it a negative physical (hurting someone, breaking poo) or a positive physical (exercise, workout) is up to you, but it must be released. Similarly, the emotion of sadness or depression, crying is a physical release of that emotion and is also a tiring, exhaustive physical release. You must find the release that works for you.

 

The reason none of your peers want to listen or let you vent is because they're going through all the same poo too, and the last thing they want is the burden of hearing your issues while trying to deal with their own. It's one of those unwritten, unspoken things- you just don't talk about missing home and worrying about the bills and all that other poo. Let that poo creep in and distract you while you're in the middle of an evolution and there are sure to be problems. 

 

I was deployed in 1987-88 during the Iran-Iraq War when we were escorting the oil out of the Gulf. This is the same few months when the USS Samuel B. Roberts hit a mine laid by the Iranian Navy in the Gulf, the USS Stark was hit by an Exocet missile fired by an Iraqi fighter plane and the USS Vincennes shot down a supposed Iranian airliner over the North Arabian Sea. We had just finished a mission in the Gulf and came out in the early morning hours and I had the watch as OOD from 7-noon on the bridge. My first orders were no drills, no maintenance until 1300 hours and let the crew sleep until noon. Then, if you were anywhere inside the Persian Gulf, you had to be a battle stations the entire time, which sometimes meant being awake for 24-48 hours at a time. Anyway, no sooner had I issued orders and the stern watch yelled through the bridge watch, "Man overboard!" I turned and reiterated my orders for no drills and the kid yelled back this was no drill. Yeah, one of the engineers had finally gotten off his battle station and had a moment to catch up on his mail, which included the always dreaded Dear John letter. He calmly walked over and jumped off the stern of the ship. Needless to say, I had to maneuver the ship, get rescue swimmers in the water and get a boat ready to launch, just in case. I easily jeopardized the lives of at least 12 other guys to save his over a freakin' girl.

 

Looking back, I don't remember all of the time I spent angry and worried and sad and desperately wanting it to end. I remember all the poo I accomplished and all the times I spent with my guys whether on the ship or in some bar in Sydney, Australia or somewhere else when it was all over. Keep your journal and keep it up to date. Take pictures and do all of this after you've worked out or exercised or lifted weights or run or whatever. You write when you've got ideas as to why you're pissed and you write when you have something to say that someday you can share with others. 

 

Above all- take care of yourself. Because if you're not doing that, there's no way you can have anyone else's back. Keep your head up and know we're here for ya!