Son of a bitch if we didn’t go out to San Fran and steal the 49ers gold. The last time I was this excited was when Olestra hit the market place and fat free Doritos were invented. Fat free fat? I was sold! I assume the knee buckling cramps I experienced after eating the olestra laced Doritos are kind of what 49er fans were feeling when Thomas Davis drilled Kendall Hunter to cause that fumble. Alas the 24 hour rule has come and gone and I have savored the flavor. Fortunately it’s easier to move on from the 49ers than it was to get those poison Dorito crumbs out of my chest hair. So onward we go to play what is without a doubt the most important game for us this season, the next one. A Monday night showdown against Gisele’s husband and the Patriots.
I’m kind of perplexed about what to expect on Monday night. I’m almost certain I am going to see a poo ton of Patriot "fans" at the Bank. 99% of them are probably Red Sox fans because of that crappy Jimmy Falon movie Fever Pitch. 99% of them probably think New England is a US state. 99% of them probably think Ben Affleck should have won an academy award in Gigli. I’m certain the uptown parking lots are going to be packed full of Honda Odyssey’s with those stupid stick figure family stickers on the back window and "Red Sox Nation" bumper stickers next to a Miami Heat NBA Champ license plate frame. And I am 100% certain that if you ask 10 of these people to tell you who Steve Grogan is, they will all look at you with a blank set of eyes and a slacked jaw. I anticipate the number of "Keep Calm and Chive On" t-shirts to increase ten fold in uptown on Monday night. Most of the people we will see are probably from our neighborhoods and root for the Tarheels or Blue Devils in basketball. These sad little people are caught up in the Patriot bandwagon and most can’t help it because they seek to be a part of something that they feel is bigger than they are. I mean in Fever Pitch, when Jimmy Falon is down in St. Petersburg going crazy for the Red Sox, who didn’t want to join Red Sox Nation? The same can be said about the Ugg wearing douchebags that live in Charlotte and hate on our Panthers and turn their allegiance to a team a thousand miles away. Who doesn’t want to be a part of rooting for a team from Foxboro, MA that won a few Super Bowls? But tread lightly folks, because these people know as much about the Patriots as a certain Saints fan knows about the silky texture of a woman’s labia. Just like putting peanut butter on your sack to entice Mr. Bigglesworth is easier than trying to meet a real woman, it’s easy for these people to root for a team that is constantly being jerked off by the national media. They can suck it on Monday night but soon enough they will be Panther fans.
So come Monday night when these sellouts are trying to out-cheer the loyal Panther fans, we will rise to the occasion. Fua is out and Dan Connor is back. Coach Boomhauer needs more than two weeks to prepare for a Fua-less Panthers team. Shane Vereen and Stevan Ridley will meet Luke and by the end of the game will be calling him father. We are going to exploit that Patriots defense by running it up their ass. Nate Chandler is the next hall of fame guard and will open holes wider and deeper that Vincent Wilforks belly button. Tom Brady is going to need Gisele to wipe his ass after the Kraken and CJ smash the organic poop out of his metrosexual cornhole just as Star and KK come off the top rope like the Road Warriors. If we can somehow pull this off, it’s going to be a fun ride.