Panthers are pounding,
that Niner offense.
Kaep, Kaep, Ice Up Son!
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Posted 10 January 2014 - 07:31 PM
Panthers are pounding,
that Niner offense.
Kaep, Kaep, Ice Up Son!
Posted 11 January 2014 - 07:43 AM
But...mine is abstract. And the imagery. And it encompasses this team nicely. And...
fug it. I just really want tickets.
Posted 11 January 2014 - 10:02 AM
I know the contest is over but I wanted to show you what a real sports poem looks like. This is the Grinch Poem that I rewrote called "The Chuck that Stole Jeff-mas". It's fantasy football related and nothing about the panthers. But I decided to write this because my friend Jeff was up by like 55 points and all Chuck had left was Jeff Mccown and we were all convinced that Jeff already won. Enjoy
The Chuck that stole
Down in Fantasy Foo-ville
Liked Jeff-mas a lot...
But the Chuck,
Who lived just North of Fantasy Foo-ville,
The Chuck hated
Jeff-mas! The whole Fantasy Football season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his panties were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his penis was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
His penis or his steelers,
He stood there on Jeff-mas Eve, hating the Foo’s,
Staring down from his town-house with a sour, Chucky frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every team in Fantasy Foo-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a terrible towel wreath.
Gordon Keeps Running up the score !" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Jeff-mas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Chucky fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Jeff-mas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Foo Men
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their line-ups!
And then! Oh, the Gronk! Oh, the Gronk! ! Gronk! Gronk!
That's one player he hated! The Gronk! Gronk! Gronk! Gronk!
Then the Foos, young
and old, would sit down with their laptops.
And they'd Diddle! And they'd Diddle!
And they'd Diddle! Diddle! Diddle! Diddle!
Who would Vinniana start today, Injury
Prone Cutler, Dalton or Fitzpatrick
Which was bothering the Chuck which the Chuck couldn't stand about that prick!
Vinniana would do something he liked least of all!
Every Foo down in Fantasy Foo-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Jeff-mas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Foo’s would start singing!
They'd sing! And
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Chuck thought of the Foo-Christmas-Sing
The more the Chuck thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for forty- three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Jeff-mas from coming!
Then he got an
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just
what to do!" The Chuck Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick John Madden hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Chucky trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like my Dick!"
"All I need
is a Jeepdeer..."
The Chuck looked around.
But since Jeepdeers are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Chuck...?
No! The Chuck simply said,
"If I can't find a Jeepdeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Mia. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of her head.
He loaded some bags
And drank lots of beer
On a terrible towel sleigh
And he hitched his jeepdeer.
Then the Chuck
And the terrible towel sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Foos
Lay a-snooze in their Fantasy Foo-town.
line-ups were strong. Fantasy football filled the air.
All the Foos were all dreaming highlight dreams without care
When he came to the first team in the square.
"This is team number one," The old Chucky Claus hissed
And he climbed on the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down
the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Donald Duck could do it, then so could the Chuck.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Foo towels all hung in a row.
"These terrible towels," he grinned, "are the first things to
Then he slithered
and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
motorcycles! Playstation 3! Beer!
Call of duty, Madden, Zombies and more Beer!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Chuck, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to
the icebox. He took the Foo' feast!
He took the Foo Skittles! He took the Lynch beast!
He cleaned out that line-up as quick as a flash.
Why, that Chuck even took CJ Spillers TD back !
Then he hit the
Gronks knee so hard with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Chuck, "I will taketh thee!"
And the Chuck
grabbed Gronks Knee, and he started to laugh
When he saw Jeff’s lineup crumble at last.
He turned around quickly, and he saw a small Foo!
Little Vinny-Foo Foo, who was not more than two.
The Chuck had
been caught by this little Foo brother
Who'd got out of his crib for a cup of cold water.
He stared at the Chuck and said, "Chucky Claus, why,
"Why are you taking the Jeff-mas tree line-up? WHY?"
But, you know,
that old Chuck was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Chucky Claus lied,
"There's a player in this line-up that can’t stand on one side.
"So I'm taking it back to my townhouse, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled
the child. Then he patted his head
And he got him a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Vinny-Foo Foo went to bed with his cup,
HE went to the Laptop and changed the line- up!
Then the last
thing he took
Was the MCL in Gronks leg.
Then he went to the line-up, the old whack-o.
On the add list, he left nothing but Fitzpatrick, and Flacco .
And the one only
That Chuck took from the house
Was Mccown who had the best match-up in town
He did the same thing
To the other Foo's Houses
Much too small
For the other Foo’s' lineups!
It was quarter
All the Foos, still a-bed
All the Foos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his Terrible Towel Sled,
Packed it up with their Tight ends! The RB’s! The QB’s!
The DL’s! And Db’s! The Lb’s! The Kickers!
Three thousand feet
up! Up the side of Mount Chuckit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Foos!" he was Chuck-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Jeff-Mas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Foos down in Fantasy Foo-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
noise," grinned the Chuck,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Chuck put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising outside Mount Chuckit.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound
Why, this sound sounded sadder!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS Sad! VERY!
He stared down at
The Chuck popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Foo down in
Fantasy Foo-ville, the tall and the small,
Was crying! Without any players at all!
He HAD stopped Jeff-mas from coming!
IT Didn’t COME!
Somehow Chuck killed Jeff-Mas!
And the Chuck,
with his baby-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood happy and proud: "Jeff-Mas is finally over!
I stopped the Gronk! I stopped the Fitz!
"It stopped the Jax, the Charles and the Nicks!"
And he laughed for three hours, `till his throat was sore.
Then the Chuck thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Jeff-Mas," he thought, "doesn't come any more.
"Maybe Jeff-Mas...perhaps...done forever more!"
And what happened
Well...in Foo-ville they say
That the Chuck's small penis
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his Penis didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the players! And fed them a feast!
The Chuck fed skittles to his Running Back beast!
Posted 11 January 2014 - 11:10 AM
by phillyb © 2014
Of course I have been busy and missed this contest altogether, or I would have probably whipped your collective asses, but Philly B, you outdid yourself just with the effort alone. I applaud you, good sir.