Ok fellow jackasses, its here. To hell with the Steelers preseason game. I'm tired of waiting and I'm ready to see some real football. Bucs week starts today damnit, the 2014 NFL season is upon us. Color me SHOCKED that our Panthers are projected to regress and suck again. Meanwhile, every other team from the NFCS and NFCN and NFCW are projected to win the Super Bowl this year at the same time for the first eleven way split of the Lombardi trophy. At least that is the consensus if you read the endless articles that have been tirelessly copied and pasted over and over again by sports journalists. The narratives and regurgitated nonsense from this summer are full of more poop than a Golden Coral bathroom on Dale Mabry Dr. after an all you can eat meatloaf extravaganza.
Speaking of Dale Mabry Dr, our Panthers are heading south on a little trip to play the all-of-the-sudden unbeatable ass-pirates of Tampa Bay. And what’s worse than some lukewarm Golden Coral all-you-can-eat meatloaf coated in generic ketchup? Bucs fans. Grown men who wear fake beards and eye patches and gleefully chant “It’s a Bucs Life” while air brushing swashbuckling scars on each other’s asses to make their costumes more authentic. “Arrrrggggh! Don’t forget to make my beard look scraggly!” they squeal as they share a box of Franzia wine and paint each others faces. Well yo freaking ho, its 2014 and some Bluegreen Resort time share salesman and a roof cleaning expert dressing up as pirates on Sundays is neither intimidating nor tough. No matter how much you guys spend at the Dollar Store on eye patches and feather boas, your pirate shtick is more pansy than the Nissan Cube you rolled up to the tailgate in. I’m willing to bet that mini-turkey and humus sandwiches with the crust cut off is tailgate staple for most of the Jack Sparrow wanna-be’s. But hey, a new day has dawned in Tampa. The rednecks form Hillsborough and Polk counties have been rejuvenated and emboldened. They are waking up in their 1972 Shasta 1400 Campers and shaking off the rust from a 4 year hangover of Budweiser and horrible Bucs football. So Buc nation, the bandwagon cavalry is on the way to save the manhood of pirate clad Bucs fans.
As for the game on Sunday, we have all heard the storylines ad nauseam. Our o-line stinks. We have no receivers. We lost our midget cornerback. Jerry charges too much for bar-b-que and our huge scoreboards show too many ads. At least they put in escalators to help all the whining fat asses up to the 300 level and they don’t reverse them until after halftime so the wine and cheese assholes are at least stuck at the game until the 3rd quarter. I will continue to use the ramps (not really) and leave the 500 level escalators for the old people and the 425lb loser in the Roethlisberger jersey. On the flipside the Bucs are full of supermen with the greatest coach on earth. Well I read between the lines and see an under achieving coach leaning on a starting QB who in a 15 month span has played for the Arizona Cardinals, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, Miami Dolphins, Carolina Panthers, Hartford Colonials, San Francisco 49ers and Chicago Bears. When under center, your back-up QB looks like an albino giraffe drinking water (google that poo if you need to see what that looks like). Your defense might be tough with Geraldine and the back end but we have the real Superman under center and a rookie guard that is going to truck Lavonte David so hard that Chris Simms spleen is going to have to seek counseling. My prediction is that our defensive front 7 will whip that Tampa o-line so bad that they will sit down to pee the rest of the season. It will be a defensive struggle but in the end there will be a caravan of Bucs fans with pirate face paint running down their collective faces, leaving Ray-J stadium in their PT Cruisers, Nissan Cubes, Scion xBs, and Kia Sedonas. The Lovie Era will begin like the Schianno Era ended.
Lord scp has spoken