Listen up Seattle! You are now ON NOTICE!
Friends, Huddlers, Carolinians, lend me your beers.
This week begins anew the NFL Season. A time in which our hearts and minds turn from beaches and bikinis to large sweaty men hitting one another on a field of plastic grass. A time when Sundays no longer mean mowing the lawn just to escape the horrors of our pathetic domesticated existence, if only for a moment.
I submit to you on this day that football is our liberation. This week, we take back our balls.
First up on our schedule and inevitable road to glory is the provincial town of Seattle. This suburb of Vancouver is best known for its god awful weather, foul coffee, and a music genre named after the stuff you clean out from betwixt your toes. While not discussing the intricacies of Twilight, Seattle residents are known to try their best to acclimate to American culture by watching our national past time, football.
This Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks fall victim to the Carolina Panthers and serve as a sacrifice to the gods of football. Their inferior cast of players, while heralded in the media, are nothing more than paper puppets pathetically perpetuating the practice of pomposity.
Men, look at their shiny unblemished exterior. I say beneath that vomit green veneer is weakness. Weakness is meant to be exploited.
And exploit it... we shall.
This season the Panthers have put together a group of individuals whose skills mesh into what will be known as the greatest team of all time.
The leader is a wise statesman who formulated the plan. Once a great player himself, he now provides the wisdom necessary to guide his team to victory.
On offense is a smooth talking snappy dresser whose grace on the field makes winning seem effortless. A man the ladies want and the men want to be. One might say he is the face of the franchise
On defense a leader has emerged whose gameplay seems both amazing and insane all at once. The way he throws himself at defenders forces some to wonder if he may be a slight bit crazy.
The muscle is provided by a man so angry and feared that he has become legend. Cross him, and your foolishness will be pitied.
Ladies and gentleman, while the Seahawks can be considered a B team, the Panthers are the A-Team.
I love it when a plan comes together.
Panthers 24 - Seahawks 17