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The Perfect Solution

17 posts in this topic

I found this online, thought it was pretty funny

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists,

Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest

election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we

tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but

sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of

America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end

it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable

differences, and go on our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a

portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can

come to a friendly agreement.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can

effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and

disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and

the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you

are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move


We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,

Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys,

hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms,

greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and


You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the

right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the

peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under

assault, we'll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam,

Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we

will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and

oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can


You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors

(that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic).

We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm

sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To

Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty

its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our


Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded

patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose

help in 15 years.


John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

Ps. please take Barbra Streisand.

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You are welcome to Islam,

Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain


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Have another Schlitz and beat up your dog some more.

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I thought Schiltz would be on the list of things the liberals got?

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What about libertarians? What do we get? Rhode Island, weed, and half the guns?

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The liberals will fight you tooth and nail for control of the weed.

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So maybe the liberals get the weed and the libertarians get the hard drugs? Sound fair?

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Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and

we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We

believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially

to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot

Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You

get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states

pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the

Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a

bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and

anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at

once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have

kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no

purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their

children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and

hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our

resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent

of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple

and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of

America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)

90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most

of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and

condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,

Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88

percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care

costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the

tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern

Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,

Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was

actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred

unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say

that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved

in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people

with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt

weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

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Yeah, but we get to keep BBQ. All kinds.

We win.

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