From reader Erik: "This is from the University of Maryland. Apparently, this is from the chair of a 'lower tier, very awkward sorority' that's been matched up with a 'pretty good frat' for Greek Week."
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fuging ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been fuging UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fuging AWKWARD and so fuging BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fuging find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fug, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fug, about how much you fuging love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fuging year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fuging repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not fuging possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE fuging NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE fuging SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE fuging SUCK SO FAR.
This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fuging retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE fug WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a fug if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fuging NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
"But [first name redacted]!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID fuging ASS HATS, IT fuging DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW fuging WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN fuging UP AT SOBER fuging EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fuging WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fuging funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. fuging. Team. ARE YOU fuging STUPID?!! I don't give a poo about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU fuging BLIND? Or are you just so fuging dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE fuging LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR fuging MATCHUP. I will fuging ***** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fug if you SOR me, I WILL fuging ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird poo that does weird poo during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.
I'm not fuging kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fuging awkward than 80 that are fuging faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fuging show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fuging God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fug. Go fug yourself.
-[Last name redacted]