Bret 'Hitman' Hart & Howard Stern in BATMAN: TRIUMPHANT?

[CatalystNX]

So I read this on a cracked.com article just now and laughed my ass off. It's about films that were almost made and included this little entry

       

 

#4. Bret "The Hitman" Hart's Batman: Triumphant

It's hard, in retrospect, to imagine seeing Batman & Robin and thinking, "We can salvage this. We can go somewhere from here." But, for a short while, people did believe that. And it wasn't in their heads to improve a single thing, because, if Batman: Triumphant would've been made, it would have been a complete and total 45-degree leap. A lateral move of the highest order. Not any better than Batman & Robin, but a thousand times more oddly watchable.

For instance, in talks to play The Scarecrow were guys like Crispin Glover, Nicolas Cage, and Howard Stern. Crispin Glover kind of works, because he's acted like he's been infected with a fear toxin for most of his career, but Howard Stern playing one of Batman's most notable adversaries is something that I wouldn't conceivably consider if I was casting Batman 5 on an island populated by only Howard Stern and myself. Or maybe I would, but only after titling the movie Batman's Repeated Punch Attack.


Just so many punches.

But who would take over as Batman? If your first reply to this was Canadian wrestling legend Bret "The Hitman" Hart, then I'm sorry for writing this list entry about you, former Warner Bros. executive. Bret Hart was rumored to be a frontrunner for the chance to put on the cowl and look uncomfortable. And my assumption on Hart's acting presence is not based on nothing. The man can bend people's legs really nicely, but when he's handed a microphone, it all kind of falls apart. And who would be tasked with trying to keep up with Hart's fumbling charisma?

A returning Jack Nicholson.

"Why so ... wait, no, that sounds stupid."

The original script included a scene where Batman sees The Joker after getting hit with fear toxin. But this Joker would not be played by a Batman-era Jack Nicholson. No, this was 63-year-old Jack, whose hairline had seen its reflection and retreated back for the rest of winter. He was still a great actor at this point, but asking him to wear face paint and cackle in what is basically a dream sequence seems more like a deleted scene from About Schmidt than an un-ironic confrontation in a Batman movie.

Also, he would have been doing these things alongside Bret Hart, who would be busy staring straight ahead and imagining everyone naked so that he could get his lines right.


He would still be trying to get his lines right.

Bookend this with the puppet master of the whole thing being a burlap sack-clad Howard Stern, and you have an equation with no answer. There's no way to predict what would've happened if you mixed all of those ingredients together. You could pass it off with a "probably something bad," but that doesn't do it enough justice. It's three huge missteps all colliding at full speed, and right now, someone in an alternate timeline is talking about how awesome it was.

I want to live in that world. This one doesn't appreciate opportunity like it should.

 

 

The thought of Bret Hart in a Batman costume jumping off rooftops after an elderly Joker and Howard Stern dressed as a scarecrow... just wow

[Hotsauce]

Funny stuff, I bet that would have been a train wreck...

Can you provide the link? I am curious to what else is on the list

[CCS]

That article is bull. George Clooney was signed for several films to play Batman so if they would have continued he would have been Batman again. Jack Nicholson was going to be in it but only as flashbacks because Harley Quinn was going to be in it as Joker's daughter. Also, from what I've read Nicholas Cage had the role of the Scarecrow basically locked down.