Mike Shula's Evolution: A Case Study in the Mating Rituals of Banana Slugs

[Jimmy]

So, here we are, the Monday after the 2017 NFL Draft salivating over the new members of our team.  We are researching, dissecting, and evaluating these young men.  We have heard the defense of their selections by our GM and Head Coach. What are we left with? That our 2017 Carolina Panthers offense will look and feel much different than it has in the past: We are Evolving!

That term has been thrown around a lot in recent months but what does it mean?  In simple terms, it means the offense is going to adapt from its run between the tackles at all cost mentality to a more wide open multiple threat approach.  Sounds great right?  Sure it does.  But hang on a daggum minute...who or what is going to be the catalyst for this evolution?  It will be a combination of folks but the primer for it all will be Mike Shula. 

Can the offense, based on it's newer parts, evolve if the catalyst is never lit?

Let's look at the animal world.  More specifically, let's look at the Banana Slug and the adaptations it has gained during its evolutionary process.  Banana Slugs are hermaphroditic. For you mouth breathers, that means it is equipped with both male and female sex organs.  How freaking awesome is that...I know a few Huddlers who would never leave the house if this were them.  When the Banana Slug mates with another Banana Slug they both insert their penises. Weird, I know.  When the Banana Slugs are done fugging each other they both bite off and eat the other's penis.  That sucks!  But they both still have a vagina and carry on with life...that's pretty great.

As much as evolution can be great thing given the right circumstances sometimes the adaptations gained as a result of that evolutionary process are unnecessary.  Although our team seemingly has all the right pieces to evolve into a matchup nightmare against opponent defenses, the adaptation we are left with at the end of this process is Shula. 

Having both sex organs may seem like an awesome idea until you get your penis bit off by Mike Shula, and all your left with is a vagina offense, that gets pounded by your opponent's defense.