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Totally tasteless and offensive wife jokes

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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Hey womenz, feel free to offer husband jokes. Nevermind, we are so awesome it will be hard to come up with any.

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<<< craving a damned sandwich!!!

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if my wife ever saw this, I would be grounded with no TV for a month

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Um, I thought we went through this yesterday in the jokes thread? Me and Hawk? No? Ok, ill repost them.

Sidenote to Southcak, thanks for the book recommendation, I just started it the other day :)

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How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?


What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

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my favorite:

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

This happens when we move from sitting up to laying down and forget to take the remote to the other end of the couch

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Greatest thread on here in a while.

Of course you think so


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