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#166 Kevin Greene

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Posted 23 January 2011 - 11:12 PM

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."







.

#167 PanthaSan

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Posted 24 January 2011 - 10:47 AM

:lol:

#168 Hawk

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Posted 24 January 2011 - 02:08 PM

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does nothing at all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

#169 Smitty Is Our Savior

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Posted 01 February 2011 - 06:18 PM

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school. *Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day With A Pornstar.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHAHA! After all, he is your son! *Robot slaps mom*

#170 Smitty Is Our Savior

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 05:38 PM

An 1st grade student turns in a blank sheet of paper after an hour long art class.

Teacher: Billy, what's this??
Billy: It's a cow eating grass!
Teacher: Uh, where's the grass??
Billy: The cow ate it...
Teacher: And where's the cow??
Billy: Well, he ate all the grass, so he went somewhere else to find more.

#171 TheRealDeal

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 06:23 PM

Three midgets were sitting at a bar having a drink, when they all started to discuss getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The first midget looked at his hands and said, gee – I have REALLY small hands – I bet I can get into the record books with these tiny hands!

The second midget looked at his feet and said, gee – I have REALLY small feet – I bet I can get into the record books with these!

The third midget, who just came back from the rest room, said; you know, I have a REALLY tiny penis – I bet I can get into the record books with that!

So the three of them go to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters and go inside to get judged…

The first midget goes in and comes out 5 minutes later ecstatically jumping up and down “YES, YES!!! I DO HAVE THE SMALLEST HANDS IN THE WORLD!!!”

The second midget goes in and comes out 5 minutes later and he is too overjoyed screaming “YES, YES!!! I DO HAVE THE SMALLEST FEET IN THE WORLD!!!”

The third midget goes in and comes out 5 minutes later pissed off, looks at his other 2 buddies and says; “WHO IN THE HELL IS SMOOTSDADDY?”

#172 Hawk

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 06:34 PM

lol...nice!

#173 Hawk

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 02:35 PM

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
• A half-gallon of 2% milk
• A carton of eggs
• A quart of orange juice
• A head of lettuce
• A 2 lb. can of coffee
• A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

#174 boo7382

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 02:39 PM

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
• A half-gallon of 2% milk
• A carton of eggs
• A quart of orange juice
• A head of lettuce
• A 2 lb. can of coffee
• A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.


hahahah yes this is awesome.

#175 Hawk

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 01:24 PM

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.


Both result in death.

#176 Jangler

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    Its gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:23 PM

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

#177 Jangler

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    Its gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:25 PM

A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."

So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"

The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."

The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis?"

Johnny tells him, "Come on."

So they both go into the boy’s room and Johnny pulls down his pants.

He points down and says, "There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"

#178 Jangler

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    Its gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:26 PM

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself... television, ice cream, homework, video games but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, Little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the cardplayers continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to jerk off."

#179 Smitty Is Our Savior

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 06:28 PM

A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard...

#180 Smitty Is Our Savior

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Posted 17 February 2011 - 06:29 PM

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body??"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "Your sense of humor."


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