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Little pick me up today?

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hopefully you get a chuckle out of at least one of these!!!!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador Retriever. "f**k that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*n*s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a Cowboy's pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound different", "I'm from Atlanta," replies the man nervously."What do you do, in Atlanta?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says “yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!”

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change Dentists?

A wife says to her husband “you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. “

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said “ I would like to come back as a cow.” “ I said you’re obviously not f--k--g listening.”

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “ I love you.” She said “ Is that you or the beer talking” ? I replied “ it's me talking to the beer.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the Emergency Ward. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

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