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Other NFL Guarantees Inspired by Ryan Kalil


w280sax

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I guarantee...to take a knee after fielding kickoffs with an unwavering intensity and determination that is warrior-like the first time and everytime this season. My touchbacks will inspire my offensive unit until they achieve their inevitable three and out with maximum efficiency.

--Browns Kick Returner Josh Cribbs

I guarantee...that I will keep self-inflicted gunshots to an absolute minimum during this NFL season.

--Plaxico Burress

I promise to not curl up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb, on the field when the pressure is on and I absolutely have to miss a big kick this season. Also, I promise to never hurt myself celebrating Gramatica-style after making a big kick. In fact, I'll just not make any big kicks to be safe.

--Olindo Mare

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I promise to not publicly discuss my foot fetishes or any other peculiarities that I may have. In fact, I will definitely not discuss how I like to jello wrestle with midget transvestites while wearing a diaper and a cologne made of my own urine. Nope, I guarantee that I won't talk about that.

--Rex Ryan

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I guarantee that we, the Jacksonville Jaguars, will NOT win the Super Bowl. I mean, honestly, have you seen our team? I think our roster may be some sort of practical joke. Blaine Gabbert? I don't even know who our receivers are? Our running back is awesome but I think he may be holding out due to embarassment moreso than for money and really who can blame him. No, we definitely won't win a Super Bowl...I don't know if we will win a game.

--Maurice Jones Drew

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    • The current OL issues were always my concern when we made the panic FA signings that catapulted our salary cap allocation to the unit to the top of the league. For a brief time we did our victory lap but as we have learned as Panthers fans it takes more time to form a full picture. We are really not that much better off and we should have invested in the unit via the draft. There are many things wrong with this franchise currently. The defense is something we've discussed extensively. Evero is not the guy he was sold to be and we hilariously forced him to stay which has blown up in our faces. But for all the talk of how historically bad the defense was last year the reality of the matter is salary cap wise we are amongst the bottom of the league investment wise on that side of the ball for the year so everything flips back to the offense and rightfully so. Really the only thing going for us against the Dolphins is that it's a home game. But my expectations for the offense are more of the same. Even we score on the first drive it just feels like a matter of time. When we played the Dolphins in 2023 we actually hopped out to a 14-0 lead in the first quarter then they took us out to the woodshed for the second half. We'll see how ugly it gets this go around.
    • Even with Hill gone...they still play with a lot of speed and up tempo.... too much for Everos monkeyazz defense.  I really look for them to smoke us.... bad.
    • The passing game simply stinks Pass blocking is not good.  We have a solid unit but we're not the best if you're just looking at the pass game.  They noted our RG depth (although we've been weird without bringing in BC) Receiver blows.  Need to spread out and be in gun to help Bryce, but McMillan has been the only guy worth anything Unexplosive, juiceless, although they concur McMillan is an absolute stud/he's a hit. 3 throws on the entire season less than 15 air yards that is credited "explosive" - no YAC.  No quickness or speed.        Bryce Young is averaging 4.0 air yards per attempt off play action. FOUR!  No play action game at all - doesn't see well (Dead last in the NFL) The team doesn't dictate to opposing defenses- I.E. you seek out matchups to take advantage of.  Understand how to move your guys, manufacture opportunities.  We don't play chess.  We go out, and run a play.  No nuance to our offensive scheme. Icky has been dissapointing this year.  He'll always be solid in the run game, but a top-10 LT? Nope.   "When losing David Moore in 2025 is a big deal..." lol If we can't get it going versus the Dolphins defense this week, then we're in for a serious problem.   What I think you can take out of this likely redundant video for many here - This week is a huge benchmark.  If this offense is still sh*t, then it's time for DT to consider a big move sooner rather than later. If this game is an indictment on the offense more than the defense, do you have enough reason to fire Evero as a transitional move? Canales' isn't firing Idzik.  Does Bryce get benched if its on the offense? What's the move if the offense sucks?  
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