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Funny Christmas stories

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My Mom invited my family down for Xmas a couple of years ago and she cannot cook a lick so I was kind of surprised when I heard she was cooking a big 16 lb turkey and all the trimmings. She tries very hard but evidently my Mom did not get the "cooking" gene.

She remarried a few years ago and married a wealthy retired doctor so they have this gorgeous kitchen-commercial model on everything. Anyway, we arrived at 10 AM or so and I just casually asked my Mom what time she put the turkey in that morning. She said "well about an hour ago". I asked are we eating supper instead of lunch? Well that pissed her off....

So I just told her there is no way a turkey that size gets done in 3 hours. Well she decided that she would cut off the top of the breast meat and cook that so we could eat. She gets her husband in there and for some reason they decide to....

Stick 2 forks on either side of the turkey and lift it from the pan it is in and carry it over the kitchen to a nearby counter. I interjected "Why don't you just take it pan and all?" They act like do not hear me and proceed with this grand plan.

They pull it out and immediately blood and turkey fat and organs are all over the damn kitchen floor on its way over to the counter. My Step Dad is in his socks so now his socks look like something in a murder scene from a movie. I jump in and wade through this salmonella pool to help cut the turkey up. When I start to cut the breast top off it has ice crystals in it.

"When did you lay this out I asked?" "Yesterday" was the reply.

So that makes her madder when she sees me start laughing and asks my Step Dad to go get a mop. Well he does and when he hits the highly polished wood floor he BUSTS HIS A** and lands in the rest of the blood and guts. It covered him from head to toe.

We eventually got enough turkey off to cook a meal but her dressing was so dry you could blow it like sand off the top. True POO story...

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