LISTEN UP SEATTLE! YOU ARE NOW ON NOTICE!!
Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.
I have come back to you now in your hour of greatest need. With me I have brought wisdom, experience, and an industrial sized jar of lube. Now line up boys, and hold on to your taints, its about to get real.
First off.... Seattle. The softest most ridiculously pussified city in the entire country. A city so politically correct and lame I bet the mayor pardons a tofu turkey on Thanksgiving to please PeTA! hahaha.... wait, what? That actually happened? The Fug?
Meanwhile, in Charlotte, some residents choose not to pardon their turkey the old fashioned way... like the freaking founding fathers did.
This week's playoff match up is against the always overrated Seattle Seahawks. Seattle is known for it's grunge music, strong coffee, and being home to the bandwagonest fans in the entire NFL. In 2011 the Seahawks had ZERO NFL player jersey sales in the top 50. In 2013, Russell Wilson was the #1 ranked jersey.
Holy poo, that is a whole lot of people needing a Seahawks jersey fast. Fuggin Pathetic.
The Seahawks have all the team components that the public adores. The white haired coach, ready to dish out worldly advice. The cute little guy, with a wholesome attitude and dimples. The older brother, street wise with a little more of an edge. And who could forget the long haired Hollywood type, the prima donna always craving attention.
Put it together, and it could be an 80's sitcom for christ sakes.
The Panthers are coming, Seattle. And they are bringing hell with them.
What will you do when the man beast Norwell mauls the face of your vaunted defensive line?
What will you do when Jonathan Stewart carves up your linebackers?
What will you do when Mike Shula calls a bubble screen to Brenton Bersin on 3rd and 10?
I'll tell you what you will do. You will sit there in your hipster trousers and take it... balls deep.
And then, when Luke Kuechly grabs yet another interception, when Josh Norman completely shuts down one of those receivers you have on your roster sorry their names escape me, you will begin to cry real tears that will drip from your ironic mustache.
And finally, when the Panthers have the lead and completely shut their own offense down allowing the Seahawks back in the game ... you will know what Panthers football is all about.... and there's not a god damned thing you can do about it.
SeaHawks - 10