Way Too Quick Pre-Rally Recap

[lightsout]

Alright you salty sons of bitches, time for me to dust off the old Canes Blog energy to bring some joy. I'm like that uncle you remember fondly but then he shows up drunk and at first it's endearing but then by the end of it you're like "he's funny but goddamn dude".

Anyway, before the Canes wake up and realize the house is on fire and dominate 4 straight to advance, let's look at the multiple train crashes that lead us here.

 

1. Sergei "Playing Like He Wants Dad To Move Back And Love Me Again" Bobrovsky

This absolute unit who does a Christian Bale weight transformation every two days is playing the best net time of his career. As he should because goddamn is his goal scoring in front average. You see, Bob knows he's fuged if he doesn't play like a man possessed by the power of Florida Man. I think checking his locker for bath salts is fair at this point. But the thing with Florida Man? He always dies or goes to jail. Eventually anyway. So just give it another period or so.

2. The Forecheck: Ode To A Sad Time

If you've ever seen somebody drowning while frantically fighting until the bubbles stop, then you've seen the Canes offensive zone this series. It's just a lot of sadness. Seabass is floundering, Turbo is out of gas, Marty is less hearty, and Necas is....bad. But it's cool, because soon there will be a new unsung hero that will drag us to 4 straight kicking and screaming because Jordan secretly wants to play golf. His name? Jesperi Kotkaniemi. That's right, our loveable little loser who flashes brilliance before forgetting if he's right or left footed for a full period is going to have a lot more minutes. He's got that little bit of fight in him we need to get net front and he'll start the floodgates opening in game 4. 

Or he won't and he'll be shipped out for a ham sandwich by August.

3. Brindy's Crazy Eyes

This genius psycho is tapping into his inner Ron Rivera with his post-game pressers, but that's not the problem. It's his goddamn eyes. It's clearly throwing off Seabass. Look at this motherfuger.

 

Fishy is scared of the eyes, and I think that's reasonable. But those crazy eyes are attached to a mind that motivates so thank God for them. Hopefully he has a rousing speech that distracts from the sheer terror emanating from the upper half of his face.

4. Freddie "C'mon, Somebody Please Help" Andersen

This is our guy right here. This calm, cool and collected motherfuger has been every bit as good as Bob, just without the scoring. Once KK starts tapping into his inner Crosby, Freddie is going to enter into the 5th dimension where he will cause pucks to divert out of respect for his greatness.

 

Buckle up, motherfugers. Come Wednesday night, we're going to be in here celebrating the start of the wildest playoff turnaround in modern hockey.

Edited May 23, 2023 by lightsout

[Panthers Fan 69]

54 minutes ago, lightsout said:

Alright you salty sons of bitches, time for me to dust off the old Canes Blog energy to bring some joy. I'm like that uncle you remember fondly but then he shows up drunk and at first it's endearing but then by the end of it you're like "he's funny but goddamn dude".

Anyway, before the Canes wake up and realize the house is on fire and dominate 4 straight to advance, let's look at the multiple train crashes that lead us here.

 

1. Sergei "Playing Like He Wants Dad To Move Back And Love Me Again" Bobrovsky

This absolute unit who does a Christian Bale weight transformation every two days is playing the best net time of his career. As he should because goddamn is his goal scoring in front average. You see, Bob knows he's fuged if he doesn't play like a man possessed by the power of Florida Man. I think checking his locker for bath salts is fair at this point. But the thing with Florida Man? He always dies or goes to jail. Eventually anyway. So just give it another period or so.

2. The Forecheck: Ode To A Sad Time

If you've ever seen somebody drowning while frantically fighting until the bubbles stop, then you've seen the Canes offensive zone this series. It's just a lot of sadness. Seabass is floundering, Turbo is out of gas, Marty is less hearty, and Necas is....bad. But it's cool, because soon there will be a new unsung hero that will drag us to 4 straight kicking and screaming because Jordan secretly wants to play golf. His name? Jesperi Kotkaniemi. That's right, our loveable little loser who flashes brilliance before forgetting if he's right or left footed for a full period is going to have a lot more minutes. He's got that little bit of fight in him we need to get net front and he'll start the floodgates opening in game 4. 

Or he won't and he'll be shipped out for a ham sandwich by August.

3. Brindy's Crazy Eyes

This genius psycho is tapping into his inner Ron Rivera with his post-game pressers, but that's not the problem. It's his goddamn eyes. It's clearly throwing off Seabass. Look at this motherfuger.

 

Fishy is scared of the eyes, and I think that's reasonable. But those crazy eyes are attached to a mind that motivates so thank God for them. Hopefully he has a rousing speech that distracts from the sheer terror emanating from the upper half of his face.

4. Freddie "C'mon, Somebody Please Help" Andersen

This is our guy right here. This calm, cool and collected motherfuger has been every bit as good as Bob, just without the scoring. Once KK starts tapping into his inner Crosby, Freddie is going to enter into the 5th dimension where he will cause pucks to divert out of respect for his greatness.

 

Buckle up, motherfugers. Come Wednesday night, we're going to be in here celebrating the start of the wildest playoff turnaround in modern hockey.

I’m here for it!  Why not us?!