Have you ever watched a dog take a dump? They get in that awkward stance. The tail starts to tremble a little bit as the dog strains and the turtle starts to peek its head out of the brown eye. Sometimes the dog loses his balance and stumbles forward with a turd dangling and swinging ever so close to the dogs leg. Eventually the crap hits the grass and the dog walks off like nothing happened. Meanwhile the person walking the dog is left standing there staring at a pile of piping hot poop. She shamelessly pulls a bag over her hand before bending down to pick up the poop that just left the dogs digestive system. She then carries the poop until finding a receptacle where the poop can be deposited without offending her fellow humans. It’s a scene that plays out daily and it’s a scene that played out at Mint and Morehead when Scott Fitterer walked into Marty Hurney’s office the day after he was hired.
Imagine being Fitty. You just accepted your dream job as the GM of an NFL team. The owner of the team is an aggressive and progressive guy that is willing to invest whatever it takes to win. State of the art facilities are being built. You get to live in the Carolinas, one of the countries most sought after regions to live and raise a family. You show up to the office on your first day and you go through all of the HR bulls*t and head to your office. You fling open the door to your new office and immediately step your size 13 Tecova boots into a huge pile of steaming Hurney poop that had been piling up over 15 years. The room reeks of Popov Vodka and meatballs and there are Trapper Keepers full of notes on 250 lb. Division III offensive tackles with 2nd round grades. Above the desk is a hand painted sign that reads “Strive for 7 wins, anything more is gravy!”. Needless to say, cleaning up a decade and a half of Martyocrity and Nippleshorts will take some work.
Enter 2021 Draft Season. What we witnessed this past weekend is something that we have never seen before in the history of this sub-.500 organization. Marty Hurney would have NEVER, and I mean NEVER EVER been able to do anything close to what Fitty Cent pulled off. We can argue the picks and passing on certain guys until the cows come home. But I’d rather have 11 boneless wings than 6 bone-in wings. Marty was as worthless as a g-string bikini in Buffalo. When Denim Boy rehired that doofus it was one of the dumbest moves in pro sports history. Then new ownership kept that clown on the payroll, one of Tepper’s biggest mistakes. Keeping Marty as GM is like building a new house and saying “Meh, a roof isn’t important.”
This 2021 draft class might bust. This 2021 draft class might produce 6 to 8 starters. All I know is that sweet sumbitch Fitterer turned 7 picks into 11. This team has a player type now, something we never saw under that stupid f**king idiot, Marty. We are drafting athletes that competed at big schools. Athleticism is valued. Late round picks are not just throwing darts at the board like a drunken teenager. Late round picks build depth. You want to FINALLY have back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history? You build depth and you find guys that are dawgs who can fill in when a starter goes down. You find athletes that win on special teams. You don’t piss those picks away on garbage liquor like Hurney at an Applebee’s.
I loathe Hurney and I am so excited for the era that Fitty is ushering in. It finally feels like we are a real NFL team. We had a real strategy and we didn’t panic. We didn’t spend $90,000 on a 1989 Chrysler Le Baron convertible with spoke rims and a rusted out bumper and fading faux wood paneling. That’s the kind of sh*t Marty valued. He loved rolling up to the Sonic in a car that he couldn’t even roll the window down to place his order. He somehow thought that getting a guy like Edmund Kugbilla ws outsmarting the rest of the league. Turning over stones in the CFL and XFL was juice for him like he was some kind of wizard that knew something others didn’t. F**k Marty for life. Fitterer is different, at least until he isn’t.
Thanks for listening. I hope Drew Brees’ retirement sucks.