JOKES! (a thread)

[ItsNotGonnaBeAlright]

An old man is lying on his deathbed, literally moments from death by all medical standarads, when he suddenly smells fresh baked cookies. He's so confused because his wife hasn't made cookies in decades, not since their children had moved out. Which was a shame because he loved her cookies.

Finally, after what seemed like an hour of smelling the cookies, the old man couldn't stand it anymore. He got out of bed and walked downstairs. Following the smell he went into the dinning room and as soon as he entered the door became convinced that he was dead. There were hundreds, if not thousands, of his wife's cookies laying on the dinning table. Pan after pan after pan. They smelled so wonderful and perfect that he thought that this must be heaven. So he picked up a cookie and nearly had it to his teeth to take a bite when his wife walked in the room and slapped his hand.

"Don't touch those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

[SCP]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[Jangler]

> The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

>

> "John," the new guy replied.

>

> The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby- pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

>

> The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

>

> "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[Jangler]

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Scutty]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[SCP]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to

a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over

the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'

biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive

female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled

farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he

whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I

sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,

"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[Kyle82]

A fellow walks into a bar and

notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be

more than ten thousand dollars in it..

He approaches the bartender and asks,

'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and

if you pass three tests,

you get all the money and

the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first.....

Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,

the man gives the bartender the $10

and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,

'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,

in a minute or less, and

you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs

who has never had sex....

You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.

'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it!

You'd have to be nuts

to drink a quart of tequila, and

then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....

'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and

the man has a few more drinks,

he finally says,

'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands

and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks...

but he doesn't make a face, and

he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,

where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear

growling , biting, and screaming sounds...

then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that

the man surely must be dead,

he staggers back into the bar,

with his shirt ripped open

and there are scratches and

he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,

'Now where's that old woman

with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:

Listen carefully to the directions,

and don't

trust your judgment

when alcohol is involved!

[Jangler]

A cowboy named Bud was watching his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Idaho when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds he gets an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, gets a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused, as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks for a second and says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a congressman for the U.S. government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing," said the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows … this is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."

[SCP]

golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into

> the woods.

>

> Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun

> flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the

> golfer's ball beside him.

>

> Horrified, the golfer got his water from the cart

> and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

>

> 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

>

> 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer

> says.

>

> 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get

> three wishes, so whaddya want?'

>

> 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in

> relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're

> OK, and I apologize.'

>

> And the golfer walks off.

>

> 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

>

> I have to do something for him. I'll give him the

> three things I would want... a great good game, all

> the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

>

> A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same

> hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and

> the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

>

> 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little

> guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's your golf

> game?'

>

> 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an

> internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the

> way, it's good to see you're all right.'

>

> 'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf

> game, you know. And tell me, how's your money

> situation?'

>

> 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When

> I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out

> $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

>

> 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex

> life?'

>

> The golfer blushes, turns his head away in

> embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

>

> C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm

> wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times

> a week?'

>

> Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then

> whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice week.'

>

> 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's

> all? Only once or twice a week?'

>

> 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad

> for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[PanthaSan]

That was great!

[Scutty]

[88 Bronco]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

[Jangler]

I don't get it.

[tommy gun]

artie was a 10 yr old kid. he always wanted to be in the mob. one day while eating at the local pizza place he see's the mob boss. sir, sir he said, i want to be in the mob. kid do you know what it takes to be in the mob? you have to be a cheat, liar, low down and sometimes you have to murder. i know artie said, i still want to join. ok said the boss, you have to do an act, and then i'll let you in. here is a dollar. go to the supermarket and choke 2 people to death. if i read about you choking these people, i will let you in. artie was excited, here was his chance. so he ran to the supermarket. he spotted an old woman. he ran up and choked her to death. saw an old man, and choked him too. the newspaper the next day had the headline...ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR A DOLLAR.