JOKES! (a thread)

[Matt Foley]

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To **** my ****.

[Sultan33g]

Two doctors and an *** manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an *** manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

[Sultan33g]

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

[Sultan33g]

Why It's Important to Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

[Matt Foley]

There are four types of orgasm.

Positive: Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Negative: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Religious: Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

and Fake: Oh Zod! Oh Zod! Oh Zod!

[Sultan33g]

There are four types of orgasm.

Positive: Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Negative: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Religious: Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

and Fake: Oh Zod! Oh Zod! Oh Zod!

lol

[Matt Foley]

Why aren't blind people allowed to go skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of their dog.

[Scutty]

Siamese twins walk into the pub and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please"

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday recently, boys?"

"Off to America next month," says Joe. "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, America, "says the barman." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe.

"Meat Pies & XXXX beer," that's us, eh Jim?

"We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Jangler]

Walking Eagle

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York. HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become the President.. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers.'

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of poo it can no longer fly.

[Falcons1stPanthers2nd]

A black guy, a white guy, and a mexican are walking along a beach. They find a pot and rub it and a genie comes out.

Genie says you each get one wish.

Black guy says he wants all his black people in America to be happy in Africa and poof. Their happy in Africa

Mexican guy says he wants all his Mexican peoples to be happy in Mexico and poof. Their happy in Mexico

Genie says to the white guy so whats your one wish?

White guy says you mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?

Genie says yeah

White guy says well i'll have a coke then.

[mr beauxjangles]

^^^ ban ^^^

[Henne Given Sunday]

A black guy, a white guy, and a mexican are walking along a beach. They find a pot and rub it and a genie comes out.

Genie says you each get one wish.

Black guy says he wants all his black people in America to be happy in Africa and poof. Their happy in Africa

Mexican guy says he wants all his Mexican peoples to be happy in Mexico and poof. Their happy in Mexico

Genie says to the white guy so whats your one wish?

White guy says you mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?

Genie says yeah

White guy says well i'll have a coke then.

boondock saints classic!!! bwahahaha

[Henne Given Sunday]

a doctor walks in to greet the patient holding his chart full of notes

"mr smith....you gotta stop masturbating" the doctor explains

"why?" asks the patient

the doctor answers "because iam trying to examine you"

[Henne Given Sunday]

a drunk walks out of the bathroom of a bar, stumbles up to the bartender and asks very loudly

"hey.....do you have green toilet paper that screams F*CK You?!?!?"

the bartender rather astounded by this question answers.....

"nooooooo......?"

"well" the drunk says "then i just wiped my ass with your parrot"