Nursing home/assisted living/reverse mortgage

[CosmoGirl]

Anyone have any experience in this area?

I'm going to try to force my dad into a nursing home. His ability to care for himself is beyond my mom's ability and has severely adversely affected her health - I'm afraid that everything that's happening will end up with her dead and having to deal with him.

I want him in a nursing home asap. Maybe even for a month to teach him a lesson. She says she married for better or for worse, sickness and in health. She's had her share of sickness and worse. She says that people would think she gave up on him if she put him in a home. I think they'd respect her more. Everyone else can see it but she's in denial.

Anyway, she's had a major health care in the past two weeks, and IMO, thanks to many prayers, the first part of the scare has been averted. She still has another scary part which involves an invasive procedure that will involve her either being in the hospital for a few days or strict bed-rest for those days. Well, bed-rest won't really work with my dad's issues because he does not care for himself (not sure of his ability but he claims he can't). I won't go into all the poo he doesn't do for himself but anyway.

I want him to go into a nursing home. I'd like it to be permanent but my mom claims that if they take his social security income to pay for his nursing home, she cannot afford to live (I can make up that much to supplement it if she can have a life).

But I don't know if there is any assistance out there to either help her make ends meet or to keep him out of the worst of places.

And I don't think that she'll agree to it, so I think that when she goes for her next surgery, I'm going to have him admitted. She'll be mad but it is for her best. Even her doctors have told her she needs to take care of herself.

Any advice?

I also told her that if social security will pay for the home and she's worried about making ends meet, to get a reverse mortgage. What impact would that have on SS paying for the home?

Thanks!

[ladypanther]

Sorry to hear about that. I hope things work out for the best.

[charlotte49er]

Al I can say is check them completely. You hear more and more horror stories on some of them. Obviously the higher priced places have the better reps.

That's about the extent of any knowledge.

I hope everything works out.

[Hawk]

I'm with you Cos....my parents don't take care of themselves at all. My dad has parkinson's and has nicely developed one hell of a gambling problem. They went from being retired and debt free to now having a big ass mortgage and now filing for bankruptcy. My mom doesn't eat and spends so much time in bed that she has huge sores on her heels from laying on her back all the time, needless to say other complications. We've set them up with some in home care and meals on wheels or whatever it is and just getting some nutrition has certainly helped. They need to go somewhere with more help, but its tough to make them go.

[Zcustom]

Can't help with the financials but, 75% of the nursing homes in the area are customers of mine and I can tell you which ones to avoid.

[Khyber53]

Cosmo, I'd really rather see you look into getting home health care assistance. You may be able to have it covered with Medicare, but you'll need to speak with his doctor.

It sounds like your parents are very tied to each other, we should all be so lucky at that age. To take him out of his home might seem like you are removing the burden to your mom, but in all honesty, you may be taking away the thing that gets her up in the morning and allows her to sleep at night.

And from experience in my family, I can say that even the best nursing home is just death's waiting room. The person put in one never has the quality of life that they want. They are taken away from what made their life be their life. They will have to deal with never sleeping under the same roof as their spouse again, never sharing a simple laugh over some of life's minutiae, they'll miss the bickering, they'll miss all of their stuff and the shared memories. Sure, there are visits, but really, who feels better after them? The visitor more than the visited.

I'm sorry that this is very much some pretty heavy stuff to lay on you at this time. But trust me, this is the kind of stuff you'll think about late at night wondering if you've made the right move.

[EMSMedic79]

If a physican writes a medical order for the patient to be placed in a nursing home, medicare will reemburse up to 60% of the costs. This is average for most of the elderly. The social security may have to pick up some, but not all. Usually the facilities that take social security as payment are assisted living homes, not nursing homes. Big diffrence. Good luck and definately talk to his MD about this.