What would you do? Seeking advice.

[Cat]

I'd leave the 28 year old alone. I don't believe in soul mates and think there are many people in the world that you "click with on a lot of levels". Let her have her youth. 

[stankowalski]

2 hours ago, PhillyB said:

i meant to ask this. is she willing to sit down with a professional with you and try to work through things? her hesitancy to rubber stamp the divorce papers indicates she may be willing to explore other options.

I mentioned it but she doesn't want to do that.

[stankowalski]

1 hour ago, Cat said:

I'd leave the 28 year old alone. I don't believe in soul mates and think there are many people in the world that you "click with on a lot of levels". Let her have her youth. 

There might be a lot of people in the world that I click with on many levels but they don't seem to live where I do, lol.

[Bronn]

Sorry you're in this situation. I, too, am at a similar crossroads. I won't get into detail because it isn't really anyone's business. I'll just say that love sucks.

Since you've gone into a bit of detail, I'll offer my own advice from my perspective... for both you and PhillyB.

You've been separated for 3 years. Just go ahead and end it. If it is like I'm guessing, you get brief moments of hope strewn in there from time to time and let it expand to this unrealistic expectation that somehow, some way, things will work out. I don't know either of you guys' exes (or soon to be exes,)  or either of you for that matter, but sometimes I feel like they can see you holding onto that hope, and that they, in turn, use it to further control or manipulate the situation.

I'm kind of in the position now that I feel like I've actually wasted time trying, or holding on to hope that things will get better.

The reality is, at some point, you realize that people change, even people you fall in love with enough to marry. Even us, ourselves, change. I think a lot of relationships fail because we think we can control that change, both in ourselves and the other party.

As for the 28 year old... I'd have to say that it is ultimately up to you. It is your life. You could have found the next 20 years, the rest of your life, or a short-term disaster.

Me personally, especially considering you haven't finalized the end of your marriage, I'd have to take a lot of time off in the relationship department to reflect on what, in life, is important to you. I'm kind of tired of living my life to try and make someone else happy, quite honestly. Not just in the relationship department, either, but in every facet of living. We spend too much time, some of us, trying to be the good guy to everyone and please everyone else. There is a lot to be said for self reflection and making yourself happy. To me, and maybe it is because I haven't had much of it the past 15 years myself, solitude and time to myself is actually looking more like a light at the end of the obstacle-ridden tunnel.

For perspective, I'm 36 and have been married for almost 12 years.

Either way, good luck to both of you. Hate to hear that anyone is going through some things, but just know that you're not alone and this happens to a lot of people.

[Khyber53]

I'll cut it straight to you. You divorce and you fug up five kids' lives even more than they are being screwed up by three years of separation. And three years is a mighty long time.

I'm old school and am committed to making a marriage work out, I stand by my word. Luckily, my wife takes the same point of view. She once told me that the only way out of marriage to her was feet first and carried by six friends. I'm cool with that.

Look, you've spent three years with no one filing for divorce. You've probably been working through with that fine until a 28-year old young woman started showing you some interest that may or may not be attraction. A 28-year old who is in a relationship she'd have to end for you, whether it be fling or forever. That's just bad and bad karma to boot.

My advice is that after three years of separation, you two need to do a year together. And both of you need to be the people you ought to have been before. And you, quit putting work and career first. One day a career will just up and quit you and move on to other newer dudes. And your kids won't care one bit if you didn't just grind your life away for a buck. Actually, they will have serious issues from it.

Ask the wife to try a year back together. There might be something both of you are missing but just can't explain or say. And be ready to work on it. And be ready to forgive. And be ready to admit your wrongs and accept hers. And by God, hug your kids each night before you send them to bed. If that doesn't fix it for you, then well, there ain't much that can.

But just remember, you've got to work at a happy relationship and sometimes that means you don't win the point. It's the only game where you should play to tie.

 

[stirs]

From being married 26 years, I know that there are more frustrating times than exhilarating.  I also know that whatever pissing contest I have going on w the wife falls away as soon as there is an issue with a child.  Most of the time, your kid(s), will put you on common ground.

I am 56 and the one thing the wife and I have in common more than anything is a desire for good for our kid.  If we were to separate or whatever, the kid would still be paramount over either of our desires or wants.  Being older, I recognize that there is a huge pull in our society for fulfillment and happiness.  Not a bad thought at all, but if those things ever came at the expense of my kids, the fulfillment I rec'd from a woman 15 or 20 years younger would fall away and seem very trivial.

Nobody is in your exact shoes, but we all have our own size, color and set of inserts.  Bottom line, think long term.  What will make you happiest?  I think for me, kid well being first and then nothing can enter my life unless it, at a minimum has no negative effect on the kid.  Would be good if it had a positive effect.  If not, walk away, not worth the pain.

Not a bad idea from the former poster to try to talk the wife into a "trial getting back together".  Use the kids as a catalyst and expand outward into your own lives.  Selflessness will be the order of the day(s)

Much luck to you and take all the stuff with a huge grain of salt.  Most of us here cannot agree on a draft pick, so don't base your family decisions solely on us ass hats 

[stankowalski]

11 hours ago, Bronn said:

You've been separated for 3 years. Just go ahead and end it. If it is like I'm guessing, you get brief moments of hope strewn in there from time to time and let it expand to this unrealistic expectation that somehow, some way, things will work out. 

That's my problem.  I don't want to end it.  She's the one not willing to work this out, she should be doing the filing.  I know it's probably stupid but I don't feel like I should be the one filing for the divorce when I'm the one that's trying to work this out.

But honestly I'm not worrying so much about that part.  As far as I'm concerned I've tried my best and it didn't work so I'm going to move on.  I've just been conflicted with this relationship I've had with the 28 year old woman.  We've been strictly friends up to this point.  No sex, no meeting after work, none of that yet.  We talk on the phone and text and other than some nice pics she's sent me it's been a relationship as friends only.

I really like this woman.  I think about her even when we're not around each other and she admitted to the same.  

I think I'm starting to lean on being selfish here yet again.

[Bronn]

7 hours ago, stankowalski said:

That's my problem.  I don't want to end it.  She's the one not willing to work this out, she should be doing the filing.  I know it's probably stupid but I don't feel like I should be the one filing for the divorce when I'm the one that's trying to work this out.

But honestly I'm not worrying so much about that part.  As far as I'm concerned I've tried my best and it didn't work so I'm going to move on.  I've just been conflicted with this relationship I've had with the 28 year old woman.  We've been strictly friends up to this point.  No sex, no meeting after work, none of that yet.  We talk on the phone and text and other than some nice pics she's sent me it's been a relationship as friends only.

I really like this woman.  I think about her even when we're not around each other and she admitted to the same.  

I think I'm starting to lean on being selfish here yet again.

I'm going to tell you something you probably aren't going to want to hear or will ignore despite me probably being correct...

But, if this 28 year old is in a relationship with someone else currently, and she's sent you some nice pics, then how long after you got into a relationship with her would she be sending similar pics to someone else? Soon? 2-3 years later? 5-10 years later? Would it even matter to you about the time frame, and are you okay with admitting it is probably going to happen at some point?

That's a huge red flag. Her current partner obviously can't trust her to not act inappropriately within the bounds of their relationship, whatever kind they may have. So, why even consider entering into one with her, when she's just as likely to, at least eventually, disrespect your boundaries as well?

[stankowalski]

3 hours ago, Bronn said:

I'm going to tell you something you probably aren't going to want to hear or will ignore despite me probably being correct...

But, if this 28 year old is in a relationship with someone else currently, and she's sent you some nice pics, then how long after you got into a relationship with her would she be sending similar pics to someone else? Soon? 2-3 years later? 5-10 years later? Would it even matter to you about the time frame, and are you okay with admitting it is probably going to happen at some point?

That's a huge red flag. Her current partner obviously can't trust her to not act inappropriately within the bounds of their relationship, whatever kind they may have. So, why even consider entering into one with her, when she's just as likely to, at least eventually, disrespect your boundaries as well?

I've thought about that and it's a valid point.  Of course she tells me she's never done that before but I'm not naive, I know it's a possibility that she's done it before.  But it's also possible that she's telling the truth.  We've talked a lot and she's told me about her past relationship's and her current one.  From those conversation's I've deduced a few things about  her and what her motivations might be for sending me those pics and even talking to me about things that wouldn't normally be discussed between people who are just friends.

 

[Anybodyhome]

Couple concerns, here. And I'm coming from the perspective of having been married 5 times- the first 4 while I was in the Navy and never home. My current 18-year marriage wasn't until I'd been retired for a couple years...

You've been separated for 3 years while claiming you're the one who wants to work it out, but at the same time almost admitting the 28-year old is providing some impetus to make a decision one way or another.

So, first question... if your wife gets onboard and decides to work toward a reconciliation, where in your mind is the 28-year old while this is going on? If 28 remains in your thoughts while attempting to work through the marriage, I'm guaranteeing a divorce. It'll never work. 

I agree that a decision needs to be made between you and the wife. This "marriage in limbo" isn't allowing anyone- you,. wife or kids- to move on. There must be either reconciliation or closure- no two ways about it. And after 3 years of passing the ball back and forth and no one willing to take the shot, I'd be leaning toward divorce, especially if you've allowed yourself the possibility of another intimate relationship. The kids are going nowhere as individuals either. They are as emotionally stagnant as you and the wife, stuck in this Groundhog's Day (movie) of a life that cannot change until  someone says, "Enough is enough."

That being said, although you've been alone for 3 years, you've not been alone as a single adult. Separated is not single. And the idea of closure that I mentioned earlier, is crucial to making anything in the future work. The problem with each of my marriages was that I gave myself no time to understand the dynamic, understand myself and understand the circumstance before I was getting married again. I had absolutely no business being married during my Navy career when I was never home. Hell, I even told those women that I was married to my career before I married them, so...

So, after my last divorce, I committed to at least one year without dating or socializing or anything else except work and introspection. I read a lot, I studied stuff, I needed to find happiness within myself instead of trying to find someone to provide me with happiness. Once I figured out that I am a genuinely good person and that I am happy with myself and don't need to rely on anyone else for that happiness, I discovered it was a lot easier to meet people, interact and socialize.  

[stankowalski]

The 28 year old isn't providing any impetus for a decision because I've made my decision.  I want to stay in the marriage and make it work.  But my wife doesn't.  I can't make my wife come back or she'd already be back.  I would say that the other woman is creating a little more urgency on my part to get this resolved though for sure.  As I've said I can't really pursue this new relationship if I'm holding onto the last one.  I just need my wife to tell me it's over since she's not willing to come back home.  I mean in effect it is over but I need to hear those words from her and for some reason she won't do it.  I believe I've already stated why I think she won't officially end it.  I've got friends that have told me to just file for the divorce myself, but I feel like it goes against what I believe in and if I did that I would feel terrible about it and I don't want to live with that feeling.  My parents got divorced when I was 8 and even though I saw them arguing all the time I didn't feel good about it when they got divorced.  My mom was the one who filed and I still kind of hold it against her to this day, right or wrong that's how I feel.  And I don't want my kid's to think of me like that.  Four of my kids are grown and I think they could process this and handle it.  I'm not so sure about my 11 year old, and he's the one I'm most worried about.  He was 8 when we separated which was the age I was when my parents got divorced so the similarities aren't lost on me.

And for the record I wasn't looking for anyone else and my relationship with this other woman has just grown to this point on it's own.  I purposefully didn't go out and try to meet someone else because I knew that there would be no chance for my marriage if I did that.  I met this other woman at work.  It started out as just saying hi at work, then to small talk, then to deeper conversation's, then to the point it's at now with the text's and phone calls.  I didn't mean for it to happen and I don't think she did either but it did. 

I seesaw everyday with what I should do about this.  

[Anybodyhome]

My point is 28 is getting you to understand that it's time to make a decision one way or another- stay or not. The thing is, this is not a unilateral decision so it doesn't matter what you decide to do unless she agrees. And since you're not willing to file, despite the fact she told you it's over, you're essentially stuck in this purgatory as long as you're waiting on her to file. Why should she file as long as she has this much control over you and you don't even live together? 

Your wife knows you're not going to file, and, as ugly as this may sound, she has you tight around the scrotum without having to do anything. She may decide to wait until your son turns 18 and sets out on his own before she files. Then you're 52 years old and will have been separated for 10 years and living a miserable existence based upon a principal. That's fine as long as you're willing to accept the fact this is the life you chose and don't play it off like a martyr.

You need to get on with your life, with 28, your wife or whomever and regardless of who it is, you're the one who needs to make a decision and stop waiting for someone else to decide when is a good time for you to get going again. 

You asked for advice, and right now the best advice I can offer is- stop waiting for and allowing other people to decide your future. 

[stankowalski]

6 minutes ago, Anybodyhome said:

My point is 28 is getting you to understand that it's time to make a decision one way or another- stay or not. The thing is, this is not a unilateral decision so it doesn't matter what you decide to do unless she agrees. And since you're not willing to file, despite the fact she told you it's over, you're essentially stuck in this purgatory as long as you're waiting on her to file. Why should she file as long as she has this much control over you and you don't even live together? 

Your wife knows you're not going to file, and, as ugly as this may sound, she has you tight around the scrotum without having to do anything. She may decide to wait until your son turns 18 and sets out on his own before she files. Then you're 52 years old and will have been separated for 10 years and living a miserable existence based upon a principal. That's fine as long as you're willing to accept the fact this is the life you chose and don't play it off like a martyr.

You need to get on with your life, with 28, your wife or whomever and regardless of who it is, you're the one who needs to make a decision and stop waiting for someone else to decide when is a good time for you to get going again. 

You asked for advice, and right now the best advice I can offer is- stop waiting for and allowing other people to decide your future. 

No she hasn't told me it's over.  If she said that then maybe I could bring myself to file the papers.  But you're right I am allowing her to have too much control over me.

[ItsPantone278]

I'm late I'm on this and I don't care to read everything that s been posted to date, but one thing struck me in the OP.  you and this 28 yo New girl have one thing in common for sure.   neither of you know what I want right now.  your both hanging on to what will ultimately be a fail relationship .   I wouldn't trust this young "commited" girl, and I definitely would even concern myself with thoughts of her being stuck with an "old man."  The best advice I could think to give is to find a way to rediscover yourself through the lives of your many children.