What would you do? Seeking advice.

[stankowalski]

I don't share my personal life on here for obvious reasons but I feel like I need outside opinions, someone who isn't going to tell me what I want to hear which is what you get from real life friends unfortunately.  

I've been separated for 3 years now.  I've tried to make it work but I think it's to the point of no return.  I can't put in any more time to this relationship.  We've been married for over 20 years and had 5 kids.  We've grown apart as individuals during that time.  Which happens especially with kids and job commitments.  We both know it's over and has been for a while now.

My dilemma is this...I've been talking to this chick (who also has a boyfriend) and we click on literally every level.  We like the same things...movies, TV shows, music, etc.  The only problem is that I am 45 and she is 28.   For all of my life I've been a selfish person and I've been trying to work on that.  I know she'll leave her boyfriend for me if I push it but if she does that then I'm being selfish yet again.  It's not such a big deal now or even 10 years from now but 20, 30 years from now she'll be stuck with an old man.  

So should I be selfish and pursue this or just let it go.  

[PhillyB]

I haven't posted anything about it because everybody doesn't need to know my business, but I'm going through something kind of similar and it fuging sucks hard. Minus the chick part.

The question you have to ask, in my opinion, is what the honorable thing to do is. And that might require a lot of unselfishness on your part. Loads of variables here, including the age of the kids, but I think you should default towards staying in the marriage. It's a motherfuger of a sacrifice to take your own happiness off the table and grind for the benefit of someone who's not meeting any of your needs, but I firmly believe happiness (which is what all this is about, right?) is something cultivated long-term, not defined by any given moment in time, or even trends over a longer period. As long as it's not physically or emotionally unhealthy (abuse, etc.) then I think the right thing to do is to gut it out and make it work with your wife.

Again, I say that without knowing the whole story, so take it at face value.

Regarding the chick with the boyfriend... at 28 I am tempted to say she's a grown-ass woman and she knows what she wants, so you shouldn't need to be protective of her in that sense. You also shouldn't make your decision based on the feelings of the boyfriend. IMO you should gauge her motivations for wanting to be with you (is she just mature for her age? attracted to older guys? do you have money?) and let that factor into your decision. I imagine if you're out of a lackluster 20-year marriage you're probably not exactly looking for something long-term anyway, so maybe you'll get some fun out of it, idk.

So in the end, all I am going to say with any certainty is unless you are seriously suffering wrongfully, and you are being abused emotionally or physically by staying in the marriage, and your wife would rather you stay and work it out, then you should disregard the hottie and take the personal sacrifice it would take to be with her on the chin like a man. Being left fuging sucks fuging ass and at the end of the day you can take it to your grave that you did the right thing.

Good luck.

[stirs]

5 kids

5 opportunities for pride and enjoyment and satisfaction

5 opportunities for heartbreak and constant worry

Put them and their well being in front of you, the wife, and the chick.  Clear eyed thinking, no justification thinking

[Inimicus]

Separated <> Divorced.

Right now you're still married to the mother of your children.  Clean that up and then worry about the next relationship.

If after 3 years and "We both know it's over and has been for a while now" nether one of you has pulled the trigger on dissolving the marriage or one is blocking the other it may not be as over as you're making it out to be.

Get a divorce and then chase the 28 year old if that's what you want to do.

 

But get the divorce first.

[stankowalski]

All good advice.  Relationships are tricky business and can slip away before you even know it's gone.  With me and my wife it was just a case of growing apart.  I worked so much that I never really had any time for her or the kids and that was probably the biggest factor in this whole mess.  I left my other job primarily because of it but I really think it was way too late.  We both tried our best I believe.

[PhillyB]

42 minutes ago, stankowalski said:

All good advice.  Relationships are tricky business and can slip away before you even know it's gone.  With me and my wife it was just a case of growing apart.  I worked so much that I never really had any time for her or the kids and that was probably the biggest factor in this whole mess.  I left my other job primarily because of it but I really think it was way too late.  We both tried our best I believe.

Very similar situation here. Incongruity in the love languages, if you buy into that whole deal. For me I poured a huge chunk of my life into working my ass off, as working to provide for a better future was the best way I knew how to express my love. I think this caused problems. I recognized it about a year ago (after getting fired, haha) and made some serious changes, cut back to part time work so I could spend 6 evenings a week with the fam. I blame myself for not recognizing it sooner.

But the reason I ask if she's willing to work it out is because I am a person who is being left despite desperately wanting to work things out. I know firsthand how deep the pain of rejection is - you're effectively being told that you're not worth being with. Can you in good conscience inflict that pain and those irreparable scars on her? If she wants to work it out, I think you are bound by a code of honor (through your marriage vows) to stand tall, take your losses, and find a way to make it work, even if it costs you things you don't want to give up. You will look at yourself in the mirror with more confidence and when you're on your deathbed the only thing that will matter is the legacy you left behind.

Talk to some dudes about this. Everyone needs people in their lives who will call them out on their bullshit and not just take their side no matter what it is. I have a number of people like that in my life that keep my head straight, and I've even talked to a couple of Huddlers about it (thanks y'all). Sometimes the objectivity lends itself to clarity.

I am a lot younger than you and probably cannot offer any new experience/advice, but feel free to PM me if you need to unload.

[stankowalski]

11 minutes ago, PhillyB said:

Very similar situation here. Incongruity in the love languages, if you buy into that whole deal. For me I poured a huge chunk of my life into working my ass off, as working to provide for a better future was the best way I knew how to express my love. I think this caused problems. I recognized it about a year ago (after getting fired, haha) and made some serious changes, cut back to part time work so I could spend 6 evenings a week with the fam. I blame myself for not recognizing it sooner.

But the reason I ask if she's willing to work it out is because I am a person who is being left despite desperately wanting to work things out. I know firsthand how deep the pain of rejection is - you're effectively being told that you're not worth being with. Can you in good conscience inflict that pain and those irreparable scars on her? If she wants to work it out, I think you are bound by a code of honor (through your marriage vows) to stand tall, take your losses, and find a way to make it work, even if it costs you things you don't want to give up. You will look at yourself in the mirror with more confidence and when you're on your deathbed the only thing that will matter is the legacy you left behind.

Talk to some dudes about this. Everyone needs people in their lives who will call them out on their bullshit and not just take their side no matter what it is. I have a number of people like that in my life that keep my head straight, and I've even talked to a couple of Huddlers about it (thanks y'all). Sometimes the objectivity lends itself to clarity.

I am a lot younger than you and probably cannot offer any new experience/advice, but feel free to PM me if you need to unload.

Tbh I think she doesn't want to work it out.  She won't come out and say it even though I've tried to press her lately.  I did everything I could do within my power to work it out.  It's hard to boil down 20 years of a relationship but honestly looking back I could have made a better effort.  By the time I recognized things were falling apart it was too late.  

The thing is I've been pressing her lately to just end it (i.e. file the divorce papers) because I feel that everything I've done didn't make a big enough difference to her.  That's the real problem I'm having right now is that for all intents and purposes it's been over in her mind for a while but she won't file for the divorce.  And I'm definitely not filing for divorce because I do want to work it out.

I can't in good conscious go out there and date other women while I'm still married, I'm just not built that way.  I know a lot of guys would do just that but I made a commitment for better or for worse and I meant it when I said it.  So I feel like I'm stuck.

[OneBadCat]

Since you do want to work it out. I would make sure she explicitly knows you have tried all you can to make it work. If you feel you have to leave just make sure you left it all out on the field so to speak. That way you can move on without regrets, or try to.

I would be weary of a 28 yr old though. Everybodys different but you can't be sure of her motivation. I would hate for you to jump ship for what may ultimately be short term satisfaction. Plus women are crazy. 

But you deserve to be happy. That is for certain. Obviously your kids are priority. That doesn't mean you deserve to be miserable or unloved. Cause that's bullshit too. 

[PhillyB]

OP, do you still live in the same house with her and the kids?

[stankowalski]

No.  When I say separated I mean literally.  What I think is that due to her religious beliefs she doesn't want to file for divorce.  I believe she thinks I'll wear down and file myself.  I'm not as religious as her...I believe in God and all that but I'm just not into the whole church scene and she is.  Which in itself is odd because I think if she really believes in all that she would've already been back.  

And for the record there was no abuse or anything from either of us to each other or the kids.  

As for the 28 year old woman I've been talking to I think she's genuine.  Hell I burned through all of my savings after I quit that job.  I don't have any debt and I own my house and car though.

[PhillyB]

On January 2, 2017 at 2:36 AM, stankowalski said:

No.  When I say separated I mean literally.  What I think is that due to her religious beliefs she doesn't want to file for divorce.  I believe she thinks I'll wear down and file myself.  I'm not as religious as her...I believe in God and all that but I'm just not into the whole church scene and she is.  Which in itself is odd because I think if she really believes in all that she would've already been back.  

And for the record there was no abuse or anything from either of us to each other or the kids.  

As for the 28 year old woman I've been talking to I think she's genuine.  Hell I burned through all of my savings after I quit that job.  I don't have any debt and I own my house and car though.

weirdly, in my circumstance it's the religious one who's burning it all down and separating in pursuit of temporal happiness in the shadow of eternity, and the non-religious one who believes this is all we've got who's pursuing long-term happiness through sacrifice and longsuffering. normally you'd expect it to be the opposite.

bleah

[stankowalski]

7 hours ago, PhillyB said:

weirdly, in my circumstance it's the religious one who's burning it all down and separating in pursuit of temporal happiness in the shadow of eternity, and the non-religious one who believes this is all we've got who's pursuing long-term happiness through sacrifice and longsuffering. normally you'd expect it to be the opposite.

bleah

Haha yeah.  To be clear though, my wife is the religious one (I believe in God, just not church).  And I've been the one trying to make everything work.  So we are kind of in the same boat.  

[ladypanther]

Tried marriage counseling?

[PhillyB]

23 minutes ago, ladypanther said:

Tried marriage counseling?

i meant to ask this. is she willing to sit down with a professional with you and try to work through things? her hesitancy to rubber stamp the divorce papers indicates she may be willing to explore other options.