What Would You Do? (Obnoxious/Weird Neighbor Situation)

[mr beauxjangles]

I get the sense that you are a bit non-confrontational by nature (I am) but you especially don't look forward to confronting this guy that's been kind of a creeper.

 

So you say that he always comes out of his house when you walk outside, and you've noticed him looking out his window for extended periods. Why don't you bring this up to him in the following way:

 

"Dude, this may sound strange and please don't take offense, but I've noticed that you look out your window a lot and you often come outside when other neighbors are outside, including me and my wife. Is there some sketchy crap going on in our neighborhood that you haven't told me about? I have kids and let them run around outside - it seems like you're on the lookout for something."

 

Presumably he'll say "no, nothing sketchy" but he'll be forced to explain his behavior. Bringing it up this way is essentially asking for that explanation in a no-so-confrontational way, while making it known that you've observed his creepy behavior.

 

You can chime in with: "I don't want to throw any of the other neighbors under the bus, but some of them have mentioned that it kind of creeps them out and they're wondering what's up."

 

So...you bring it to his attention that he's being creepy (which may be all that it'll take for him to be self-conscious and get the memo) and you do it in a way that makes it seem like you're kind of doing him a favor rather than confronting him. I don't know...this could be a terrible idea. Just a thought that seemed to differ from the other suggested approaches that require you being a bit more direct.

[Hawk]

buy a white bronco and walk around wearing gloves and carrying a knife....real small gloves would be a bonus

[Porn Shop Clerk]

In this situation, I know what I want to do.  I just want to get some of your opinions to see how you would approach it and maybe that would sway me in a different direction...

 

So, I have this neighbor who is REALLY weird.  Almost stalker-ish with what I deem to be some very psychotic behaviors.  This neighbor has gone out of their way to repeatedly invite themselves into any and every interest I have personally.  It's gotten to the point that my wife and I don't even want to go out into our front yard.  It's as if he lacks any and all pragmatics, or the ability to recognize boundaries and social norms, or he just completely ignores them, which is where my suspicion of a possible mental illness comes in...

 

He has repeatedly sought me out and invited himself into activities (AWKWARD) he knows I'm interested in, and I usually gave him the "Okay, definitely, I'll let you know!" response.  And I never get back up with him.  You know, let him down easy without blatantly offending him.  Going to the gym was one of many examples...  I never invited him to go after he invited himself, and yet, I continued to go and he saw this day after day.  I actually went with one of my other neighbors who loved basketball as much as myself.  So, the offending neighbor, instead of taking a hint and backing off, starts coming outside EVERYDAY at the time we leave for the gym and stares me down.  He started getting frustrated about it and starts grilling my wife on where I'm going and what I'm doing while our kids are playing outside.

 

He has openly told other neighbors that he watches them all the time, including us, and we've caught him several times looking out of his window for minutes at a time...  Not just quick glances, like normal people do.  If we step out our front door for any longer than a few minutes, he comes out of his and walks around - it never fails.  It's beyond coincidence.  We've been outside doing yardwork before and he'll just walk up in our front yard and start a conversation, AGAIN, uninvited.  He even came up and acted angry with my wife for listening to her iPod while another neighbor (whom we get along with) was trying to talk to her.  I got to where I just ignore him for the most part...  A quick wave and I go on about my business as to avoid conversation with him.

 

My neighbor that was going to the gym with me even went up to him and made small talk with him to avoid the tension of him seeing us leave for the gym everyday without him after he invited himself, and to my neighbor's surprise, the offending neighbor didn't bring up a word about the gym to him.  So whatever it is, it has to do with me...

 

There have been numerous other instances where he completely shrugs off social norms and seems to go out of his way to make us feel uncomfortable.  We had a privacy fence put up in our back yard and have our kids go out to play back there, for one, because our youngest is a toddler and is able to roam freely without running out into the street, and two, to avoid him coming out and dumping his kids off on us or making annoying small talk with us.

 

To further illustrate his creeper mentality, my wife goes over there and talks to his wife one day and he repeatedly, and obnoxiously, loudly proclaims to his wife that, "yeah!  they're getting ready to go into hibernation!"  "they're locking themselves in their house again!"  Crap like that.  Like he intentionally makes it awkward and appears to be offended by our rejections to his self-invitations...

 

We don't have this issue with any other neighbor, and although I'm not the most social guy in the world, I'm always amicable wherever possible.  I don't go out of my way to alienate anyone.  My wife is EXTREMELY outgoing and extroverted and his behavior has resulted in her not even wanting to go outside anymore.

 

To top it off, he now found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request...  *facepalm*

 

Dude does not catch a hint.

 

So, my plan is to block him, say I deactivated my account and otherwise continue to do the bare minimum as far as interacting goes (wave hello, goodbye, keep conversations to a minimum).

 

This same cycle of behavior has been going on for over a year now...  He sees I'm into something, he invites himself.  I reject him.  He does it again.  I reject his self-invitation again.  He then complains to other neighbors or aloud to his wife that we're "enjoying our backyard too much" or "going into hibernation." 

 

I've thought about being blatantly honest and telling him, "look, we like our personal space.  we appreciate you as a neighbor (even though we don't), but we just want to enjoy our space."  But, I'm telling you, there is something off about this dude.

 

So what would you do?

 

tbh i wouldn't be acting like this if you didn't dress so sexy

[SOJA]

If you have kids, that he watches/stalks from a window: do not, I repeat do NOT confront him in an aggressive manner. Your kids lives are the most important consideration here.

 

 

He either has a mental problem (likely a personality disorder) or is just incredibly lonely. I'm very surprised he is married, or his wife must have something wrong too. 

 

I would try to be nice to him. Tell him that you work hard and when you aren't spending time with your family, you appreciate some alone time (like the gym). If you get the chance: invite him to something. Sacrificing a little may go a long way in his psyche. 

 

If he responds aggressively or progresses in his creepiness. Call the cops. 

 

Finally, tell your kids to let you know if they notice anything unusual. Don't make it obvious. 

[Proudiddy]

I get the sense that you are a bit non-confrontational by nature (I am) but you especially don't look forward to confronting this guy that's been kind of a creeper.

 

So you say that he always comes out of his house when you walk outside, and you've noticed him looking out his window for extended periods. Why don't you bring this up to him in the following way:

 

"Dude, this may sound strange and please don't take offense, but I've noticed that you look out your window a lot and you often come outside when other neighbors are outside, including me and my wife. Is there some sketchy crap going on in our neighborhood that you haven't told me about? I have kids and let them run around outside - it seems like you're on the lookout for something."

 

Presumably he'll say "no, nothing sketchy" but he'll be forced to explain his behavior. Bringing it up this way is essentially asking for that explanation in a no-so-confrontational way, while making it known that you've observed his creepy behavior.

 

You can chime in with: "I don't want to throw any of the other neighbors under the bus, but some of them have mentioned that it kind of creeps them out and they're wondering what's up."

 

So...you bring it to his attention that he's being creepy (which may be all that it'll take for him to be self-conscious and get the memo) and you do it in a way that makes it seem like you're kind of doing him a favor rather than confronting him. I don't know...this could be a terrible idea. Just a thought that seemed to differ from the other suggested approaches that require you being a bit more direct.

 

Nah, man...  I appreciate the suggestion, but anything other than the way we've been dealing with it, he would consider direct AND take offense to it. 

 

The issue with the premise you're offering is that this is a new neighborhood.  This dude actually moved in after we did.  We've been here like a year and a half.  He's been here about a year.  Furthermore, as I said, he proudly boasts to ALL of the neighbors he talks with that he watches them or their homes before they moved in them from out of the window.  He once told one of our new neighbors, "yeah, we saw when you came a few weeks back.  then we saw when you came with your parents.  we saw them come by themselves.  we see everything here!  I'm always watching!"  He then saw us talking to some people who were about to move in, and tells my wife that he saw us having a good time laughing and talking with them for so long, so he asked what we were talking about.

 

He's so open about the creepy behavior that even if you called him on it, you likely would only get some kind of psychotic response, because for some reason, he doesn't see that it is inappropriate to 1) watch neighbors for minutes on end, and 2) then go tell them you watched them.

 

I also failed to mention that the first week or so after they moved in, my wife took our kids up to the neighborhood playground that has a road that wraps around the back of a clubhouse to get to.  This weirdo drives around the back of the clubhouse and sees her, slows down, stares, then drives back around again and does the same thing before leaving.  At that point, we just joked how weird he was...  It was all of the other "coincidences" after that, that made us realize he is just off.

 

I'm thinking the only way to deal with it is to actually call him over, tell him that some things have went on that makes my wife and I uncomfortable, and that I don't intend to offend him by it, but we'd just like to be given our space.

 

[Proudiddy]

If you have kids, that he watches/stalks from a window: do not, I repeat do NOT confront him in an aggressive manner. Your kids lives are the most important consideration here.

 

 

He either has a mental problem (likely a personality disorder) or is just incredibly lonely. I'm very surprised he is married, or his wife must have something wrong too. 

 

I would try to be nice to him. Tell him that you work hard and when you aren't spending time with your family, you appreciate some alone time (like the gym). If you get the chance: invite him to something. Sacrificing a little may go a long way in his psyche. 

 

If he responds aggressively or progresses in his creepiness. Call the cops. 

 

Finally, tell your kids to let you know if they notice anything unusual. Don't make it obvious. 

See, without divulging too much info on him...  this is another thing I suspect...  It's just speculation, but I have a suspicion that his marriage is of the open nature.  He's in the armed forces, and I had many of friends, being from Fayetteville, that went in and married someone or had children with them for the extra pay.

They seem completely incompatible.  I talked with one of my friends who had an open relationship with his wife for awhile and told him I suspected this dude was into swinging or open relationship stuff with his wife...  My friend said it definitely sounded like something was up and odds are he agreed to it, she gets all of action, and he is left looking for scraps.  Which kind of explains his pushiness in wanting to develop friendships and such with people.

Furthermore, before I started my job and just stayed home with my children, his wife walks up, in front of him, and asks my wife if I still stayed home with the kids.  My wife told her yes, and his wife then says she was talking with another woman in the neighborhood and they mentioned me being a stay at home dad, and decided they should ask me if I wanted to come with them on a playdate for the kids...  Maybe that is just us, but that seemed really weird as well.

[SOJA]

See, without divulging too much info on him...  this is another thing I suspect...  It's just speculation, but I have a suspicion that his marriage is of the open nature.  He's in the armed forces, and I had many of friends, being from Fayetteville, that went in and married someone or had children with them for the extra pay.

They seem completely incompatible.  I talked with one of my friends who had an open relationship with his wife for awhile and told him I suspected this dude was into swinging or open relationship stuff with his wife...  My friend said it definitely sounded like something was up and odds are he agreed to it, she gets all of action, and he is left looking for scraps.  Which kind of explains his pushiness in wanting to develop friendships and such with people.

Furthermore, before I started my job and just stayed home with my children, his wife walks up, in front of him, and asks my wife if I still stayed home with the kids.  My wife told her yes, and his wife then says she was talking with another woman in the neighborhood and they mentioned me being a stay at home dad, and decided they should ask me if I wanted to come with them on a playdate for the kids...  Maybe that is just us, but that seemed really weird as well.

 

 

someone already said this and I know this is not what you want to hear, but moving is always a sure fire way to get out of this known evil. The unknown evil could be worse. 

[Darth Biscuit]

 

 

I'm thinking the only way to deal with it is to actually call him over, tell him that some things have went on that makes my wife and I uncomfortable, and that I don't intend to offend him by it, but we'd just like to be given our space.

 

 

This is exactly what you need to do, but you need to be prepared for the consequences.  It sounds like he's going to take this "the wrong way" and get offended based on what you're saying.  He obviously does not have normal personal boundaries and if he's openly talking about "watching people" and such, the guy is just off the charts weird.

 

If you have a friend in law enforcement I would mention it to them before you talk with him...  I wouldn't take it to the law enforcement level quickly, but I'd watch that guy man, he sounds like a real weirdo.

 

I'm not sure how this works, although Belding or one of these other guys might know... is there a way to find out who his commanding officer in the military is (I'm assuming it's Army) and talk with them?  

[Hawk]

every hood needs a neighborhood watch program....sounds like yours is taken care of!

[mr beauxjangles]

I would simply caution you to carefully evaluate the risks that come with confronting someone that you already suspect to have some instability and that you already feel is creeping you out with their behavior. That is to say, does the risk of his behavior getting worse due to confrontation outweigh the potential reduction in annoyance that he is currently causing? Just don't assume that confronting him is going to make it better. Dealing with a weirdo neighbor might be better than dealing with an unstable and potentially vengeful neighbor.

[Anybodyhome]

Just bang his wife and get it over with ffs.

 

Or, if you don't want to fug up your own marriage, bring some of your single friends over and introduce them...

 

Why don't you give me their address and I'll come over and pull rank.

[Proudiddy]

This is exactly what you need to do, but you need to be prepared for the consequences.  It sounds like he's going to take this "the wrong way" and get offended based on what you're saying.  He obviously does not have normal personal boundaries and if he's openly talking about "watching people" and such, the guy is just off the charts weird.

 

If you have a friend in law enforcement I would mention it to them before you talk with him...  I wouldn't take it to the law enforcement level quickly, but I'd watch that guy man, he sounds like a real weirdo.

 

I'm not sure how this works, although Belding or one of these other guys might know... is there a way to find out who his commanding officer in the military is (I'm assuming it's Army) and talk with them?  

 

I'd definitely be interested to know that as well. 

 

Good suggestion with talking it over with a friend in law enforcement as well, Biscuit!  I hadn't thought of that and know exactly the person I can go to.

I would simply caution you to carefully evaluate the risks that come with confronting someone that you already suspect to have some instability and that you already feel is creeping you out with their behavior. That is to say, does the risk of his behavior getting worse due to confrontation outweigh the potential reduction in annoyance that he is currently causing? Just don't assume that confronting him is going to make it better. Dealing with a weirdo neighbor might be better than dealing with an unstable and potentially vengeful neighbor.

Well, honestly mb, I feel it's gotten to this point because of that very reason...  I kept waiting initially, thinking that the behaviors were aberrations rather than the actual norm.  Then, trial after trial, it proved to be the norm.  So, then I'm thinking, if I just ignore him and we spend less time in front of/around him, he'll get the point.  Or, when it came to his self-invites, as long as I didn't oblige them, then he'd catch a hint and just find other neighbors to creep out.  So, now, over the course of a year, I've reached my limit in trying to resolve it in a non-direct manner.  It hasn't worked.  I know now that something has to be said to some degree, because in all honesty, I feel like I let him get by with a few things he said and did because I kind of felt bad for him.  Now, it just pisses me off and I feel it's disrespectful.

 

I have no issue in confronting him personally...  My concern is my family, and growing up under that constant threat that I had as a child with horrible neighbors...  I'm not gonna do that.  So, that's why I've tried to give it time.

 

Good news is, I know a law enforcement official close by that I can talk to about it...  and he should know him as well.  I'll ask him what he thinks and go from there.

[Panthro]

Just twerk or do some dick slang in your front yard....and ask him to join you

[Proudiddy]

Just so you know, I vomited as I gave you that pie Panthro.