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Dearest __________ Mom - A Letter

Jeremy Igo

By Jeremy Igo,
in Carolina Panthers

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Jeremy Igo Newbie

Jeremy Igo

Posted
Posted

Dearest    insert location__ Mom,

We would like to apologize for the emotions you experienced while watching Cam Newton play football. We understand that it is a confusing time for you, and what you are feeling is quite new.

So before you pick up that pen, or jump on Facebook. Before your cheeks are no longer flush from the thoughts of forbidden relations with Cam. Before your very soul no longer begs to be taken by Cam, without apology or care for whose eyes may witness. Before you feverishly bite your bottom lip as your fingers probe and tickle the keyboard, desperately trying to rid yourself of Cam's Greek statue-like silhouette from your mind. Before you aggressively shame Cam, like a schoolgirl punching the boy she has a crush on. Before you finish that letter with a feeling of release and reach for your last Virginia Slim in sweet satisfaction.

Before all of that, we would just like to say... It's OK. It is 2016. Gone are the days that forced you to hide such feelings. Sex in the City ran on HBO for 6 full seasons. The important thing here is that you are not alone. Most Panthers fans, both male and female, have had the same types of feelings for Cam Newton for multiple years now. 

So put away that pen. Shut down the laptop. Allow yourself the absolute indulgence of watching Cam Newton, the MVP of the NFL... and your fantasies. 

 

- Huddle Management

 

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Montsta Proficient

Montsta

Posted
Posted

I'm appalled at this. If you support Cam Newton's gyrating and sign destroying then you must also support bullies, terrorism, and the attack on the very values that make America the country that it is. 

I bet when you leave the grocery store and Girl Scouts ask you to buy cookies you take a box of the Do-si-dos and slam them on the ground and dab. 

You are all awful people.

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