How do you explain death to a child?

[WilmyWood]

My wife's Uncle started showing signs of something being wrong about 4 weeks ago and today was sent home from the hospital diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  The hospital said there was nothing more they could do.  He is in the care of Hospice with pancreatic cancer, sepsis, a failed liver, bile backing up in his system and is on so much Morphine to control the pain that his organs are likely to shut down at any time.

 

My 4 year old son absolutely loves the dude.

 

I've unfortunately had to deal with death at a "much-too-early" age when my father passed of cancer when I was 11.  That had an effect on me that has lasted to my current age of 39.  Nobody really gets over that type of loss, so it's something I'll likely hold on to my entire life.  

 

My biggest issue when he died was the poo people told me...about how God had a plan and that he was happy with God.  That made me angry, because how could anyone be so selfish to take my Dad away from me when I needed him the most?

 

Anyway, my point is I am unclear how to explain this to my son.  I've read a decent amount about it in the last day or two...most people urge you to use as few words as possible and to leave religion out of it, both points I completely agree with.  They say to keep it simple like, "he won't eat again, he won't walk again, he won't speak again, he won't breathe again".

 

So, I'm curious if any of my fellow Huddlers have had a similar situation and can share their ways of explaining death to someone so young.  Explaining what death is so he understands is a very sad thing, but something I feel necessary so he doesn't end up confused like I was.

 

Any insight is much more than appreciated...

[jasonluckydog]

 Not all kids understand how death works at this age try to keep his innocence for as long as you can tell him Uncles going to a farm for old people where he will be happy but we can never see him again.  There is no easy answer you could tell him the truth he has seen dead bugs or watched cartoons when people die so he might understand and act like nothings happens or go batshit... no easy answer. 

 

sorry for your loss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pstall]

explaining to a 4 yr old may not be the way to go. just listen to what the kid is saying and look at his body language. just because we are parents or adults doesn't mean we always have to have an answer for everything.

 

when he is older sure, there are going to be some things to navigate. not now.

 

i'm sorry for you guys loss.

[Donald LaFell]

In all seriousness maybe this will help?

 

[KillerKat]

Yea at 4, he won't remember all that happens. I was 3 when my granddad passed and I don't remember anything from it.

[SmokinwithWilly]

For my granddaughter, I explained to her that her great grandmother passed, she had loved her so much that she waited just a little bit longer even though she was really sick to get to see her some more. She understood that her granny had died, but knowing her granny stayed just a little longer just for her seemed to really help her deal with the loss. I hope this helps, and I am sorry for the loss for your family.

[carpantherfan84]

No matter what DONT LIE TO HIM! Even if you feel like you are protecting him. At four there is no way he can comprehend the concept of death no matter what you say. Just tell him the truth but leave out the gory details.

[frash.exe]

At around that age (3 1/2) it was also my grandfather, like Killerkat. I couldn't comprehend emotion like that yet to cry over a family member's death. My memories of him are fragmentary. I do remember witnessing my father crying for the first time in my life at that point, knowing that I'd never see him again. I knew what death was, and I wasn't oblivious to other people mourning, but I wasn't developed enough mentally at that age to mourn.

You might be able to deliver the "went to a farm" story to a 2 year old but I don't think it will work on a 4 year old.

Hope this helps

[j2sgam]

I was supposed to be taking my family back home to NY for the annual family reunion next weekend. My Uncle Tony fell off a ladder this past Saturday and did not make it through Sunday. So now the trip is for his funeral if the family doesnt have it during the week. I am bringing my 5yo & 7yo children, I could use the advice also...

 

My wife's Grandmother passed Mothers day weekend, my kids know "she went to Heaven", but no services were held, they havent seen any bit of a funeral or the sadness that goes along. They know now that Gramma's not there when they go up the street to see Poppa, but arent affected by it that I can see. 

 

This wont be their 1st family member that passes, but thsi will be their 1st funeral..