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Atlanta, GA: The Sebaceous Cyst of the Southeast

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

Posted
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Getcha’ some MRSA Bay. What a damn night Panther Nation! It must really suck to have to walk out of that stadium dressed like an ass pirate after a blow-out loss to my Panthers. Seriously Buc fan, what’s going through your mind when you are at home in your bathroom using make-up remover to get the fake pirate beard off your face after a loss? Your kids are looking at you like you’re some douche and your wife refuses to wash your puffy pirate shirt for the next game. It’s just sad. Anyway, thanks for getting us above .500 and those fake cannons sounded awesome bros.

Now we have to turn our focus to I-85 south and the proverbial shithole of the South. It’s fitting that when reviewing submissions for the new Falcon stadium, Arthur Blank approved a design resembling a puckered sphincter muscle. It’s inspiring when architecture can tell a story about the city you’re visiting and its something that I appreciate when I travel. The precision and excellence of the architecture in ancient Greece implores you to appreciate the workmanship and pride of the Greeks. The skyscrapers reaching to the heavens in New York City that stretch the limits of man’s ability to design and construct speak to the relentless pursuit to achieve greatness. Then you have Atlanta. What a better way to tell the story of Atlanta and the Falcons than by choosing a big butthole to be the landmark sport venue in the heart of downtown. Speaks volumes, no? When that thing is finished in three years they should hand out a commemorative roll of toilet paper and a tube of Preparation H to the first 20,000 fans in attendance. I assume the stadium naming rights will go to Depends Undergarments or Ex-Lax since the Falcons and Matt Ryan poo the bed so much when it counts.

We have a local Charlottean that’s popped up on the message board of late who claims hardcore Atlanta Falcons fanhood. I thought I’d provide some stats since his Matt Ryan jersey probably still has the Kohls tags on it. The Falcons have been around for almost 50 years and their overall record is 312–402–6. They are 7-12 in playoff appearances and have been to one Super Bowl. My Panthers are 135-159-0 and are 6-4 in playoff games and have also been to one Super Bowl. So shut your piehole when you speak about the Falcons being this superior franchise. The Falcons haven’t done squat. Matt Ryan and Mike Smith choke harder than Andre Rison teaching a finance class. You claim "Dirty Bird" and now "Rise Up" as battle cries. Rise Up actually makes sense since so many Falcon fans are used to hearing "Please Rise" when the judge enters the court room at their arraignment hearing.

Come next Sunday after the Shitbirds lose to the Cardinals in the desert, they will make the trip up to Charlotte. Thank God Fua has been inactive but Atlanta’s o-line is so bad Fua could probably make a highlight reel film for his Canadian Football auditions. If CJ’s groin proves to be healthy I expect our front 7 to wreak havoc on Howdie Doodie all fugging day. That ugly ass Julio Jones is out so shut down White and bust Gonzalez in the mouth at the LOS and things should go well. Atlanta’s defense doesn’t have poo to stop our dynamic QB and this offense. Suck it Falcon fans. 85 South bitches.

Panthers 28

Falcons 21

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