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Playoffs...Playoffs?! Playoffs M-Fer!

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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Well cup my balls and tell me to cough. My Panthers are in the tournament with a first round bye. That's right NFC South, the Carolina M-F'n Panthers are the #2 seed. When the year started that seemed as likely to happen as a Falcon fan declining an unemployment check. I mean there was a better chance of me pulling over on the interstate to assist a Buc fan in his broken down PT Cruiser. Hell, there was even a better chance that a certain Saints fan would join a pilates class and shed 45 lbs of unwanted sweaty girth from his stretch-marked man tits. But guess what losers, that NFCS crown sits high atop the Queen City where it belongs and I get to sit on my couch and cram Cheetos and Miller Lite down my pie hole while my kids are ingnored and our round 2 opponent is determined.

This weekend we get to watch the San Clemente 49ers take on the Packers up in that frozen poo hole that's home to the highest average cholesterol per capita and women that poop 7 times a day. We also get to see the drug addict pucker faced Sean Payton take his band of merry cheaters up to the City of White Trash and Herpies. These two games will determine what opponent comes to Charlotte on January 12th. All four teams harbour cocky fan bases that I cannot stand. Somehow, and help me if you know the answer, Charlotte is home to a poo ton of 49er fans, Saint fans, Eagle fans, and Packer fans. Obviously, Charlotte is a sanctuary city for dumbass bandwagon fans. Much like San Fran opens it's arms as a safe harbour for illegal immigrants, Charlotte opens it's arms to douchebags who are desperate to be a part of ESPN hype. Here is my plan to deter the potential opponent fan bases from entering the stadium:

If we play the Eagles...

Around the outside of BofA stadium, set a perimeter made up of carts that sell books and carts that sell carrots and celery. Nothing repels an Eagles fan like learning and vegetables.

If we play the 49ers...

Put up an electric fence around Gastonia, Maiden, and Ashboro. Much like Cowboy Nation, a large majority of 49er fans will be traveling to Charlotte from these three towns claiming diehard status. Something about these towns makes jumping on a bandwagon necessary for it's residents to survive.

If we play the Packers...

Like they did in Detroit for the Super Bowl a few years ago, set up fake store fronts that make Charlotte less appealing to Packers fans. Things like GNC, Planet Fitness, Barnes & Noble, and Tropical Smoothie absolutely repulse people from Wisconsin. Bojangles should temporarily halt all sales of anything fried. Surround BofA stadium with tread mills and free weights and restrict sales of anything cheese related and replace it with fruit and veggies. Let Proactive set up a free sample tent so all the female Packer fans will line up for free acne med samples. Whatever it takes.

This is a call to Panther Nation. After Sunday we will know what team is coming to Charlotte. I don't give a poo who it is, bring it. The national media will pick against us no matter who we play, they have been doing it all season. Bring it. Our defense will smack any of the teams square in the mouth and Cam Newton will rise to the occasion. Playoffs? You're god damned right.

EDIT: How could I forget. The other way to deter these assholes is to show up at Roaring Riot's rally and claim what's ours.

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Could you somehow incorporate your love for jorts and other jean related materials into these plans? Complete with a photographic timeline possibly?

Sounds like women who live in GB sure spend a lot of time on the toilet!!

When I retire I'm moving to North Myrtle Beach and I'm opening a custom denim and airbrush boutique. I'm going to call it Denim Some Nice Jorts.

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Chaos

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What a pleasant surprise on this Friday morning. It's like I got another Christmas gift.

On the off chance we play the Packers, the people of Charlotte should stock up now on Slim Jim's and pork rinds, if that's your thing. Otherwise they will be gone.

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