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Pittsburgh week - Hide yo Kids, Hide yo Wives, Ben is coming to the QC

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

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2 and 0. Has a nice ring to it doesn't it? Great job by the Panthers this week. Once again we were picked to lose by 90% of the analysts and again we crammed a big fat W up their collective asses. I saw a group of Lions fans pouting around at the airport yesterday morning. Aside from the pit stained jerseys, ostomy pouching systems (google that poo), foul mouths, confused looks when they saw Bojangles, and noticeable limps, they actually seemed like good enough people. But in the end they were boarding a plane to go back to a house in Detroit in clothes that haven’t been washed since Wayne Fontes roamed the sidelines, which at face value must be like diving head first into that port-a-john RoaringRiot rented for the CarolinaHuddle tailgate. So thanks to Detroit fans for giving us a white-trash primer for what is about to invade BofA Stadium. The 24 hour celebration rule is over, time to take on Shitsburgh.

It’s a little known fact that IDIOT is actually an acronym used to describe Pittsburgh fans. I generally like to stay away from teachable moments but since we have the lowest form of human coming to our fine facility this Sunday night, I guess I will enlighten those who may not know what the acronym means. The founding fathers came up with this acronym and decided there was no better name for the people from that little slice of crap tucked at the confluence of the Alleghany and Monongahela rivers.

I – I as in “I’m a Steeler fan and I can’t find Pittsburgh on a map of the United States”. As in find me a Steeler fan that is not a piece of fuggin sh*t liar that has been to Pittsburgh. (Hint: Don’t waste your time) No matter their age, they are all blue-collar steel workers that toiled in the heat of a steel mill 7 days a week. Meanwhile they drive around Charlotte in a PT Cruiser with the fake wood paneling and use a counterfeit handicap sticker to get preferred parking at the Western Sizzler on all you can eat fried okra night. All I can say is thank god the Steelers colors include bright yellow. It helps to have these water buffalo cloaked in yellow so they can stand out like a fart in church. The last thing you need is to be blindsided by a herd of Steeler fans when Costco rolls out the free sample carts in the morning.

D – D as in “Does America grasp how fugging stupid Steelers fans are? It has to be a ruse”. I googled that poo and Steeler fans are paying anywhere from $8.99 to $24.99 for a yellow, screen printed towel. A towel! That is their rallying symbol. Grown fugging adults spinning a yellow towel is somehow supposed to be tradition and bad ass? I call it the best pyramid scheme to ever hit a moron in the face. Myron Cope is the king of the idiots for birthing this over glorified sh*t rag. Has anybody ever taken a moment to understand just how fugging stupid this is? We are dealing with a fan base whose piece de resistance is a Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupon so they can buy yellow terry cloth at a discount.

I – I as in “I swear to god, Pittsburgh must have had a population of 270 million people prior to 1975”. Every son of a bitch that I meet wearing that mustard stained garbage claims to be from Pittsburgh. Thanks to the 1980’s and the deindustrialization of America, I have to see overweight moms in Harris Teeter towing around 9 year old daughters in Rapelisberger jerseys. Pushing around a cart over flowing with pickled bologna and pork rinds to quench a never ending thirst for salty processed meat by-product, they claim their love for a two time rapist. When I see this, I have two questions: 1. How in God’s name does she wipe her own ass? And 2. What kind of example is she setting for the little crumb snatcher daughter of hers? I saw a homeless guy taking a dump in an old phone booth up in NYC about a month ago. That guy has ten times the class of every Steeler “transplant” I have met.

O – O as in “Oh my god what is that smell?” Yes, when the Steelers come to town you can hear this question asked in every NFL city. It’s a pungent mix of sweaty armpit and poultry farm. Science has not yet determined if this odor emanates from the mouth when those fat losers yell “We got 6!” or if it comes from the sweat glands. The one common denominator is that the smell accompanies both the “transplants” and the band wagon Steeler fans from places like Maiden, NC. It is a question that may never be answered.

T – As in “Trashiest fan base in the world” Why did these assholes decide to leave Pittsburgh and ruin America with their foul smells and ugly features? Why do assholes FROM North Carolina claim diehard fan status for a team that resides 700 miles away in some western PA crap hole? I mean these idiots take over our bars and proclaim to the world just how awesome Pittsburgh is, yet not one of these sons of bitches will pack up the El Camino with their ex-wife and high school drop-out kids and move back to that dump. It’s an interesting study in human nature. You have individuals that would prefer to trash the Panthers, a team that does a lot for the city in which these Steeler fans reside. A city far superior to the city the Steelers reside in. They go to our local bars or come to BofA and proceed to piss and sh*t on everything about the local team in the name of some goofy yellow towel. These mullet wearing jack wagons call into our radio shows and bloviate about how the Panthers are inferior. They talk as if we should hang on their every last word because they picked to follow a team that has won 6 super bowls. Real accomplishment there buddy. Ooo, you jumped on a bandwagon, fugging phenomenal. You know these same assclowns have a Nickleback box-set in their CD tower at home. All this asshole culture for what? They can’t go to a game in Pittsburgh because they can’t depend on their shitty car to make it north of the NC state line without blowing a gasket. So they sit their miserable fat asses here in Charlotte in their faded out Steeler t-shirts making my local restaurants and bars smell like potted meat. Congrats on being low life scum.

So there you have the origin of the acronym IDIOT. As for the game this Sunday, I am starting to get a little more confidence in my Panthers. The o-line seems to be coming together in pass-pro and if they can gel and open up some running lanes, we should be able to control the clock and take it to this sub-par Pittsburgh defense. The Steelers offense has some weapons but even without Hardy, I’m thinking our front 4 can pressure the Rapelisberger and get him off his rocker. I hope Panther Nation shows up loud and proud on Sunday night. Don’t take poop from any Steeler fan. This is our town. BofA is our house. The Panthers are the superior team.

Panthers – 27

Steelers - 14

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