Deadspin Why Your Team Sucks: Carolina Panthers

[jtnc]

Lol, Tolbert has a 42.5 million dollar contract?

[KSpan]

Cam also didn't turn the ball over the most in his career last year....

But it is a comedy fluff piece

And Carolina didn't lose the entire right side of the line.

[pantherj]

Hardy, Holder said, flung her from the bed, threw her into a bathtub, then tossed her on a futon covered with rifles. Holder said Hardy ripped a necklace he had given her off her neck, threw it into a toilet and slammed the lid on her arm when she tried to fish it out. The 6-foot-4, 265-pound Hardy dragged her by the hair room to room, she said, before putting his hands around her throat.

"He looked me in my eyes and he told me he was going to kill me," said Holder, 24, who said she used to live with Hardy. "I was so scared I wanted to die. When he loosened his grip slightly, I said, 'Just do it. Kill me.'" Later, as Holder said she was held by her former boyfriend's personal assistant, she said Hardy made the 911 call, showed her the phone, and said, "Run, little girl. You're going to jail."

Threw her into rifles, slammed a lid on her arm, choked her nearly to death, and not a scratch on her? Hmm what an interesting horseshit story. She should become a Hollywood writer and soon as she comes down off the booger sugar.

[frash.exe]

Yup, it felt like they were reaching to synthesize some funny. A good sign. Still, some of the emails were good for a laugh

Sent from my FrashPhone* 5SS5 using CarolinaHuddle

*"FrashPhone" is a registered trademark of Frash Brastard Enterprises LLC

[WhoAmI?]

LMAO that was funny as hell

[bababoey]

Chris:
Rae Carruth actually tried to murder his own child and then rode to Tennessee in the trunk of a car with bottles of his own urine. I can't imagine making an NFL salary, and then choosing Tennessee as my getaway destination

 

That made me laugh I have to say
 

[smitty_89]

The one on the jaguars was probably the best (not surprising) - their fan email/comments were hilarious. 

[The_Light_Brigade]

The ones for Atlanta and Tampa were funnier...I was hoping they would lay into us but I really wasn't offended at all.  I am disappoint.

[Lumps]

That was actually pretty stupid.

 

Someone who actually knew two shits about the Panthers could do much, much better.

 

A joke of a GM who now eats chips on the couch overpaying two RBs; double trouble against the cap, giving a contract to tommy jone meltdown after the fact and a year basically running the ball every down, Clausen, JRs 2012 fug the fans season followed by a im sorry letter, Peppers publicly stating wanting out and the FO too stupid to trade him or let him go but tagged him instead and then he walks the next year after being called out for being a lazy fug by Beason, again JRs dumbassery during the lockout, our stadium being overtaken by opposing fans every single game until now where half is at least filled by the new cam fans, south carolina, all the trashy, dirty rednecks or greasy yankees  here in charlotte because the minority is anything in between, myrtle beach and its all the fat chicks in the world biker week, tarheel football, the bobcats....

 

thats ranting from the top of my head as a fan....I mean really half this article is on KB and goodell....wtf....

[Delhommey]

I dunno.

 

- A grouchy, patriarchal owner who holds the city ransom for free stadium money

- A history of abusive players

- No help for Cam

- A patchwork defensive backfield

- A conservative coach masquerading as a risk taker

- Ridiculous contracts for mediocre RB's

 

It's not reaching. It's just not anything particularly fascinating.

 

He could have made fun of Charlotte, but honestly Charlotte is too boring and nondescript to really make fun of in earnest. It's like dogging on the Dave Matthews Band or Chili's. 

[BettyBangzer]

I love these. Not so much the main articles though, it's the fan emails that make them so funny...

 

"Our running tandem's legs are made of pipe cleaners and wet kitty litter. We have an old codger owner that doesn't like "the rap music" so our stadium plays "clean" songs. He looks like fuging Mr. Magoo. Our coach was almost ran out of town before saying "fug it, all in" and gambled a bit and fell ass backwards into an 8 game winning streak. We FINALLY make the playoffs for the first time since Delhomme shat the bed in 08 and proceed to hand the 9ers the game because no one was disciplined enough to play smart football for 4 quarters."

[PandaPancake]

Chris:

Rae Carruth actually tried to murder his own child and then rode to Tennessee in the trunk of a car with bottles of his own urine. I can't imagine making an NFL salary, and then choosing Tennessee as my getaway destination

That made me laugh I have to say

To be fair i don't think those bottles were full when he got in the trunk.

It's sad when you're that much of a dick and that's only thing i can put up in your defense

Sent from my XT1080 using CarolinaHuddle mobile app

[smash_n_dash]

Awww, they only put in one line from the email I sent in.  Most of the rest was covered anyways.

[pantherj]

"You ever have a buddy who gets halfway through telling a story and forgets how it went? That's Mick describing every play."

LOL it sure was in the pre-season game.