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A Completely Objective, Unbiased View of the Arizona Fan Base

MHS831

By MHS831,
in Carolina Panthers

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MHS831

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Let’s be honest.  Were it not for 2 things, Arizona would not even have a football team.  1) irrigation.  Without it, Arizona is pretty much a place for cacti and rock lizards.  2) Retirees.  With the irrigation came 70-year old transplants from the Great Lakes area with retirement pensions and social security seeking a pleasant death in the dry heat of Arizona.  It is a land where plaid shorts and black knee socks do not stand out; a land where air conditioning and defibrillators consume 90% of the energy supply.  Wedged between the nearly polar-opposite cultures of Mexico and the Mormons of Utah, the identity crisis is only compounded by the transplanted geriatrics looking for relief of chronic joint pain more than touchdowns.  Zinc Oxide on noses and “The clapper” in every room, Arizona fans need a new story; they have been telling the same ones, without remembering anyone’s name, for 40 years. I can hear them now, “Remember when that Johnny Carson guy threw that ball to F. Scott Fitzgerald and they won the game?   Boy, the other team that had that coach who got cancer and died a few years ago—the Crackers or something—you know, the ones in the green shirts that-he wore a hat and had glasses—looked just like the captain on that tv show about boats--what was I saying?”    They are pumped for this one, if you call a pace maker getting pumped, but they are a bit upset, because a 6:20 start here means a 3:20 start Arizona time, one hour before the Golden Corral Senior Sunday Extravaganza opens and three hours before bedtime.   There is so much to do before then too, like feeding the 32 cats and getting new turn signal lights at Auto Zone for the Chrystler Cordoba, but they will make time for this big game, because it is closed captioned.  “Go, um, uh, what is the na—Cardinals.”

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