Disciplining a 15-yo..?

[Darth Biscuit]

As the father of a 12yo and a almost 17yo, the punishment of taking things/time is about the only thing worth doing.

For my 17yo in particular it's his phone or computer, or his time that he has to go to the various events he wants, ie he has to sit in his room instead of going to an event.

In light of what I know of your situation J, it sounds like you're on the right track. In all honesty, it's your MiL's place to deal with, but if she is not going to, then you and your wife must. Not just for your sake, but also for the sake of the girl. Someone in her life must impose order and discipline, else she'll become an adult with little to no personal responsibility.

As far as the punishment goes, idk if I have enough info to determine... taking her phone away for a period is an ok punishment, but I wouldn't give it back until you're clear that she understands the gravity of the situation. It's not like she forgot to let the dog out or pick up the trash, she left your kid hanging, which is very serious.

Also, if there is any other alternative to her picking up the kids at the bus stop, I would pursue that, at least for the time being as the safety of the other kids is paramount here.

[g5jamz]

Here's how you "discipline" them at an older age. As a rule...if you haven't laid the groundwork prior to about 13, it's going to be very difficult changing them.

What you do is focus on how the things she has is a result of doing what's asked of her. Just like you go to work to earn a living to make money to BUY things like phones, cars, and etc...if you did not do what was asked of you, you'd lose those things because you'd be fired. She has to earn those things back. One day phone revocation seems weak. If you're going to do a one day phone ban, you need to lay out the next level of consequences. Otherwise, it's just a one day loss of phone priveleges. Lay out the consequences (like a job where you're given opportunities of mistakes) and be clear and follow through.

For example...my 8 yr old boy eats/lives/breathes baseball. He'd been asked to play for the select team at our area and we were prepared to let him. He'd hit his sister in the van with my wife one day and it really upset my wife and I explained that that was never tolerated and if he did that again, for any reason, I would take something he holds very dear away from him...and I even told him that could include him playing select ball. In the pool that weekend, he got angry and hit...I immediately told him what he'd done and he just lost any chance at playing fall select league. He was devastated...and sadly I WAS devastated, because I really wanted him to play. Sometimes even as a parent you have to make the tough call, even when it's something you'd like for them to do. He'll never again question whether I'll follow through on a punishment.

[j2sgam]

I completely agree. I feel this is something I need to handle, especially since I do not have faith the my MIL would or could handle it properly. Jaime does not respect her mother, she does respect me.. If I felt like my MiL would parent appropriately then i wouldve let her. She gave me nothing even close to she was going to do anything, I believe she knew we would and wsnt going to get in our way....

[toldozer]

What is the age difference between your wife and her sister? If it is close (22-25) I would say punishment needs to be put on your MIL. If she cannot make her daughter understand what you and your wife are doing for them and have her respect that, then they need to stay elsewhere

[bigjohn]

I just want to say kudos to you parents for disciplining your kids. I'm a high school teacher and my wife is a middle school teacher. It's amazing how many students drive nicer cars than we do, have the best phones, go to concerts, etc..... that are complete pains in the ass and when you have a conversation with a parent you get the "I just don't know what to do" deal.

Kid doesn't work hard in school? Gets in trouble cussing and acting like a butt-head? Taking their phone away is the best punishment EVAH for a teenager. I have had students BEG for me not to call their mom or dad because they'd lose their phone for a week or two. Straightens them right out, at least temporarily, Trouble is too many parents want to be their kids friend and not their parent.

Oh, and I agree-- your house, your rules, especially if there is an understanding in place about her responsibilities.

[j2sgam]

My wife is 33, so about 18 year difference... I have already had the disagreement with my MiL about raising her daughters. She said she raised them both the same way. I told her that she cant do that, they are completely different people and you cannot cookie cutter raising children. This all stemmed from Jaime having a boy over after school when no responsible adult was around. I will not allow that.... But that is another story...

[thefuzz]

My wife is 33, so about 18 year difference... I have already had the disagreement with my MiL about raising her daughters. She said she raised them both the same way. I told her that she cant do that, they are completely different people and you cannot cookie cutter raising children. This all stemmed from Jaime having a boy over after school when no responsible adult was around. I will not allow that.... But that is another story...

I figured that a boy was involved somewhere in there.

Also why is she not in school?

[j2sgam]

The incident above & what happened yesterday are not directly related... The above happened late Sept/early Oct....

She is, she goes to high school and her day is done before the elementary schools let out....

[thefuzz]

The incident above & what happened yesterday are not directly related... The above happened late Sept/early Oct....

She is, she goes to high school and her day is done before the elementary schools let out....

Gotcha.

Maybe set up a daily reminder on that sacred phone of hers.

At the same time, assign extra chores for her to do as well, and put those on the phone calendar.

All kids and many adults need some structure. Don't let her get away with "blonde moments".

[g5jamz]

I like that idea...lock the phone down and install daily reminders/to do list.

[thefuzz]

I like that idea...lock the phone down and install daily reminders/to do list.

There you go.

Make having that phone a little more work and a little less fun.

I get meeting, e-mail, phone call, etc...reminders all day long and into the night.

Having my phone is not so fun to be honest.

[j2sgam]

Point well taken, thefuzz....

This is what I came up with, based on the good advice given:

As I said, I have the sim card from the phone. She can have the phone back tonight & if she figures out the issue then i will tell her that I took the sim card out & she can have it back. Then I will have a blond moment as I try to remember that I put it in my wallet. She can have it back tomorrow, if her attitude allows. I will let her know that the consequences will much, much more should this happen again.....

BIG, BIG thanks to biscuit, g5, big john, tehfuzz, Inimicus, MPF, char49er and the rest of yous... Wish there was more than pie & rep to show my appreciation. I owe yous a drink next time I see yous.....

The sim card is password protected, I cant get into it...

[pstall]

tough dynamic also with all those under one roof. been there before.

as long as the flow goes that its your casa and your rules, that should keep the structure in place. the tough part is the girl not being yours AND her age. double whammy.

at times, cabin fever can drive others a bit batty so at times you might have to be a hormonal/testosterone ref and sense when its time to move people around or just get them out of the house for a bit.

you, your wife, the mil and other sister need to be on the same page and that is tough sledding but if you can build that aliance, you stand a better chance with the teen.

good luck man

[Davidson Deac II]

I don't agree at all with the sentiment that you can't punish her since she is not your kid. 15 year old living in my house means I can definitely punish her.

If this is a first offense, I would probably be relatively easy going, as your wife did. But make sure that she knows that if it happens again, punishment will be far more severe. And then if she does it again, ensure that you follow through on the threat. And by that, I mean grab the cellphone and smash it against a rock. Throw a fit, scare the crap out of her. Let her know you have a crazy side. :)