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Finally here, Baltimore blood-and-guts week

SCP

By SCP,
in Carolina Panthers

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SCP

Posted
Posted

Sorry, I have been blacked out since about 11:45pm on Sunday night and I just woke up from a bad dream of pasty fat white people in yellow and black jerseys pinching my nipples and cramming spicy genoa salami up my ass. Based on all the bitching and moaning I’m hearing I am assuming we lost to the Steelers and life as we know it is over. Poo happens folks. At they end of the day, two truths have risen from the ashes of that game. Pittsburgh fans are not from Pittsburgh and too many IPAs after a Panthers loss make me drop more twitter F bombs than a drunk Katt Williams at a pre-VMA party. But fug it! The 24 hour rule has come and gone and with that I bid farewell to Cholesterol Nation as we prepare to face the team formerly known as the Cleveland Browns.

Baltimore, the Xerostomia (google that poo) Capital of the East Coast because of the rampant m*th mouth that plagues the city, somehow also acquired Charm City as a nickname. I suppose political corruption, murder and drugs can be considered charming if your idea of charm is dabbing on some English Leather and shaving your scrotum before you tea bag a homeless prostitute. What is more charming than an emaciated couple having black-tar h*roin sex in a burnt out 1966 Chevy II Nova Station Wagon in the Applebees parking lot? Nothing, that’s what. Not too far removed from our beloved Carolinas, Baltimore has played a pivotal roll in our nation’s history. It was Francis Scott Key’s inspiration for the Star Spangled Banner and it gave us history’s baddest homosexual gangster, Omar Little. The Wire, based on neighborhoods in west Baltimore, has made experts out of millions of us suburban troglodytes on the dynamics of the impoverished inner city ‘Merica. Meanwhile, sandwiched in between the south and the north, Maryland is the wasteland where yankee and southern meet. A dangerous mixture that bestowed upon us shitty musicians like Ginuwine and two of the three members from Hootie and the Blowfish (damn you Maryland, sons-a-bitches). Baltimore is the birthplace of David freaking Hasselhoff for the love of god. For that, Germany and German expatriates the world over are forever in debt to Maryland. Shortly after Hasselhoff moved on to huge stardom, the Cleveland Browns moved from Cleveland to Baltimore. Talk about an upgrade. I can only imagine it’s like going from taking a poop in a job site port-a-john to taking a poop in a bathroom stall at an amphitheater on day 2 of Ozz Fest. Obviously after Gary, IN turned him down, Baltimore was Art Modell’s only choice. Now known as the Ravens, they sport a logo that has 27 colors in it and pay homage to Edgar Allan Poe with the Ravens nickname. Poe wrote The Raven a few years after marrying his 13 year old cousin. Similar to Ray Lewis’s guilt or innocence, Poe’s cause of death is still debated to this day. Nothing would recharge my batteries like taking these crows out to the woodshed. I do feel a certain kinship to Ravens fans though because they have been trying to rid their city of Steelers fans and finally after winning their two Super Bowls they have successfully done so. Take note Panthers, it is possible to flush those acanthosis nigrican (google that poo) infested jerk offs out of our city.

As for the game this Sunday, we all know that our long time receiver and Charlotte resident Steve Smith will be suiting up in those ugly purple uniforms. No doubt he will be fired up beyond belief. I expect him to score and get his yards. It’s what he does. I’ve been bragging on him for years so I know what his game is like. The Ravens have a tough D line and LB core whilst our O line is licking their wounds from the ass whooping they took on Sunday. We are depleted at LB and at RB. We have to pray that Byron Bell and Nate Chandler don’t shart the bed. Ryan Kalil has to be the Ryan Kalil we know. Yep, the cards are stacked against us, no doubt about it. But you know what? Fug it. We are a good team. I am convinced that Sunday night was not the norm. Luke Kuechly is going to break a foot off in Joe Flacco’s ass. Our defense will come out on a mission and our offense is going to hand the ball to Deangelo and SwoleThighs and we will finally establish a running game. Then it will be time for KB and Greg to eat.

Panthers 24

Ravens 21

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