Joke Thread 2.0

[Captroop]

Post if you got 'em.

Who is this guy Rorschach, and why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

[Mother Grabber]

Post if you got 'em.

Who is this guy Rorschach, and why did he draw so many pictures of my parents fighting?

I thought he only drew pictures of lesbians

[Dex]

The Falcon's defense.

[Jangler]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims,
and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

[Vampire the buffet slayer]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty

22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,

takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No

one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can

rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend

over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his

trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.

After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and

staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same

bear, aims,

and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A

moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,

and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,

sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks

him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over

him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

You forgot the pic.

Internet memes are supposed to have a pic.

[cardiackat88.]

Three guys venture into a native land, and come across a tribe.

Because they so rudely interrupted, the tribes chief gave them two options; death or Kiki.

The fist man chooses Kiki. His penis is chopped off, studded down his throat, and he is chased through the jungle never to be seen again.

The second man doesn't want to die, and also chooses Kiki once again to suffer the same fate.

The third man is asked, "death, or Kiki?"

He says "fug that, just kill me."

The tribe chief declares, "you have chosen death, death it is. Death....BY KIKI!"

[The Huddler]

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty

22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,

takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No

one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can

rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend

over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his

trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.

After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and

staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same

bear, aims,

and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A

moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,

and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,

sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks

him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over

him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

Boo

[The Huddler]

Three guys venture into a native land, and come across a tribe.

Because they so rudely interrupted, the tribes chief gave them two options; death or Kiki.

The fist man chooses Kiki. His penis is chopped off, studded down his throat, and he is chased through the jungle never to be seen again.

The second man doesn't want to die, and also chooses Kiki once again to suffer the same fate.

The third man is asked, "death, or Kiki?"

He says "fug that, just kill me."

The tribe chief declares, "you have chosen death, death it is. Death....BY KIKI!"

Boooo

[pantherclaw]

YOU BET YOUR (SEX) LIFE

PreviousNext

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." 

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" 

The golfer says, "Certainly!"  He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[Kevin Greene]

A shame the old Jokes thread apparently got archived.

 

That said, here goes:

 

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to her and I said, "come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
She ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called her an "***hole."
She glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Shirley (my wife) called her a "****head."
She finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then she started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused her, the more tickets she wrote.
She finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

[Cary Kollins]

^wow hilarious

Here's my all time favorite...

What kind of bee makes milk?

A Boobie

[Cary Kollins]

What's the worst thing you can hear after having sex with Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.