Waxing On, Waxing Off, and Waxing the Seattle Seahawks

[PhillyB]

"C'mon, you'll make plenty of friends!" said Mrs. LaRusso, her motherly smile an attempt at reassurance as the decrepit 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu wagon (a model now driven exclusively by Redskins fans) fired up and shuddered up the street, away from the familiar comforts of the east coast, bound for the faraway west.

Daniel LaRusso didn't make friends. Daniel LaRusso showed up to his first-ever West Coast party a few days later and made the simultaneous mistake of talking to the hottest girl on the beach and weighing ninety pounds. Her ex-boyfriend, Johnny Lawrence, showed up with his pals and proceeded to beat the living hell out of Daniel, who ended the first confrontation gagging up the bile from his burst spleen into the sand while the object of his affection watched with a mixture of pity and disgust.

He needs to learn to defend himself, everyone thought. Maybe learn karate. Because this is pathetic.

It's the same reaction we had in 2012 when Cam Newton dumped a game-winning touchdown pass at Ben Hartsock's feet and ended the game.

 

Hopefully next time Louis Murphy or Joe Adams would make a play to bail him out.

 

That's right, Panthers fans. Remember that? No one wants to remember that horrible travesty of a game, but they need to, because it's the first of a long series of modern-era confrontations between the Seahawks and the Panthers. Just like Johnny Lawrence always happened to run into Daniel at the most inconvenient of times, so to have the Panthers found themselves constantly running into the Seahawks. And just like Johnny always beat the bleeding piss out of Daniel - on a soccer field, down an embankment on a bike, in the aftermath of a Halloween prank where Daniel nearly got the best of him - so too have the Seahawks historically beat the piss out of the Panthers.

2012: loss. Cam inaccurate, threw for career low, missed game-winning touchdown.

2013: loss. Close game, DeAngelo Williams coughed up the ball on the game-winning drive late in the fourth.

2014: loss. Wilson threw a touchdown to Wilson with :47 left on the clock for a 13-7 win.

2014 (playoffs): loss. Cam threw a game-losing pick-six during a game-tying drive.

 

"GOD we need a left tackle."

 

What a disaster! Black eyes, scraped foreheads, broken spirits. Having to dodge the asshole around your girl, who looks at you with sweet sympathy instead of alluring pride. Daniel LaRusso didn't get to play grabass with Elisabeth Shue and the Panthers stormed home every time, ashamed, throwing their battered bicycle into the garbage can and screaming at their mom to take them back to the east coast.

But then something miraculous happened.

Ron Rivera taught them all karate.

 

 

That's right, Ron Rivera trained them. He took those scrawny sons of bitches, strapped Japanese sandpaper clogs onto their hands, and made them do hard and dirty work all summer long. Ron was instilling a culture, and this was the final act. He was training them to beat the bullies, to finally persevere, and he was training them to do it on one of the biggest national stages the team had ever seen.

Now let's look at the Daniel-san's journey for a second. The moral of the story - and indeed, the entire philosophical underpinning of his training - is that kicking someone's ass is secondary to the purpose of learning martial arts. Karate is a physical extension of something mental and spiritual. It's a discipline, a way of life. You learn karate so you don't have to fight. Karate is a way. This, ultimately, is the lesson Daniel-san learns from his training. And halfway through the saga he's already defeated Johnny and the Cobra Kai assclowns: he has not bested them in competition, but he's transcended them. He exists on a higher plane than they. He has beat them, both mentally and spiritually, and because he knows he can beat them physically, the fight is irrelevant.

Right?

 

 

Much like the Panthers beat the Seahawks earlier in the season, Daniel-san had already won. It was over. And when that tournament came, the one where he was supposed to prove to Mr. Miyagi, the Cobra Kai dojo, Elisabeth Shue, and Johnny Lawrence that he could beat that ass, it was really only just icing on the cake, philosophically speaking. Mr. Miyagi knew this. "Daniel-san already win," he reassured the boy.

But they all knew, deep down, that it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to best Johnny mentally and spiritually. It wasn't enough that the Cobra Kai practitioners would walk away from the tournament with an immense amount of respect for trying so hard and getting that far. It wasn't enough that sometime in the future they'd probably stop picking on him because of that respect. No, that wasn't enough, and Daniel-san knew it.

Daniel-san was gonna have to crane-style somebody's ass to end this.

 

 

On Sunday the Panthers take on the Seattle Seahawks. They've already won; they beat the Seahawks in October, finally proving to themselves that they've got the mettle and the resolve to take on a foe who's been bullying them for years. But the Panthers don't want internal gratification alone. They don't want manifested philosophy and the fulfillment of inner harmony. No, they want that fucking trophy. And they're gonna have to smash some fucking skulls to do it.

We all know how this ends. Daniel beats off all his competition, including Steve McQueen's son and the kid who looks like Mark Hamill, and before you can scream "PUT HIM IN A BODYBAG JOHNNY!!!!!" he's in a crane stance, mimicking the opening move of the Okinawan Isshin-ryu kata Hakutsuru, and throws a fatal jumping front snap kick into Johnny's oncoming perfect Hollywood jaw. Johnny grovels and inexplicably pushes his own face vacuum cleaner style across the ring in complete disgrace while Daniel-san, met by the approving roar of the crowds, hoists the trophy, evokes a single tear from Mr. Miyagi's left eye, and invariably gets some ass that night, champion of the All Valley Karate Tournament.

 

 

Panthers win 28-19. God bless you all.

 

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[Liminy]

Can you catch a Seahawk with chopsticks?

[PhillyB]

6 minutes ago, Liminy said:

Can you catch a Seahawk with chopsticks?

you can, but this works better.

[uncfan888]

Oh.. This thread is about karate kid. I thought it was about how ciara and Russell spend their Friday nights

[Bmullis]

Just read this after buying your book... Ready for a good ol fashioned ass kicking this weekend

[L-TownCat]

Wait the books available???

[!stUp]

So....what you're saying is Richard Sherman is really Johnny.....

Edited January 15, 2016 by !stUp

[shaka]

I've never seen the Karate Kid (blasphemous I know) but...

2 hours ago, PhillyB said:

Daniel beats off all his competition,

[Jon Snow]

This is truly appropriate to the ongoing saga with the rainy city bitch pigions.  If anyone was paying attention to Ron and Dave when they said that this team was being built to beat/compete with those northwestern assclowns you would know this.  So this Sunday we shall see if Daniel-san is ready to win the tournament or needs more training.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Bogart

[Jimmy]

"...made the simultaneous mistake of talking to the hottest girl on the beach and weighing ninety pounds."

That line killed me. Well done!

[Kramerica]

4 hours ago, PhillyB said:

you can, but this works better.

Hahaha what a stupid bird. "durrr hay guise get a load of this moving ro--ACK!"

Good write-up this week.

[caatfan]

5 hours ago, PhillyB said:

you can, but this works better.

A turtle catching a bird. Don't see that every day. Good reason for the term bird brain I guess.

Cats OTOH, are known for pouncing on birds. I think 'cats eat birds' is appropriate for Sunday's game theme.

[SportsCrazie4172]

As long as we dont have a moment where Pete Carroll is yelling to his defense to sweep the leg..

Dont hurt my QB!!

[JawnyBlaze]

Poignant as always. You should write a book dude.