Random question for anyone whose ever made final arrangements for a loved one

[ProcessBlue2]

I know this is a little morbid, but my first time really dealing with anything like this- my parents already had everything set up. 
 

My brother has been battling health problems the last year or two and we are down to months on his clock now. I have been helping him get his affairs in order for a little bit now and I’m running into a problem. 
 

He wishes to be buried at one of a handful of churches in the area where we have family- he really doesn’t want to be at a public cemetery on his lonesome (doesn’t matter to me but it’s his wish). I can’t seem to get anyone from these churches to contact me back about buying a plot, no email back, no phone call after a message, nothing. I know some may be member only, but not getting anything back at all seems crazy. Is there a step in the process I am missing here? I know for a fact non- members were buried at two of them. I just don’t really know what to do other than walk up and ask the preacher after  their service one day. 
 

And it’s not like I am asking for one for free, I am willing to pay the full price for it- I really figured a church would be knocking my door down when it came to money.
 

I really don’t want to let him down-any advice?

PS sorry for such a melancholy subject.

Edited February 5, 2024 by ProcessBlue2

[LinvilleGorge]

Sorry for what you're going through right now. Honestly, if you're local I'd just go down there and talk to them in person. I think that's probably you're best bet. If you know an active member at any of the churches I'd contact them first though. Best of luck.

[Anybodyhome]

Churches are a business just like any other. Customer service is typically sub-par and getting someone to call you back is asking way too much. My opinion, but maybe just the atheist in me coming out.

Anyway, as LG suggested, just go and talk with them.

Here is the best advice I can give you from a first-hand perspective. Both my in-laws have passed in the last couple years and none of their final wishes have been kept or met by any of the family. Specific requests for services or final resting place or internment- none of that was respected or carried out by the family. Although my wife is the oldest and was the executrix for both her parents, her aunts, uncles and brother all basically ganged up on her and she acquiesced. The only thing that was done accordingly were the cremations. And I'm sure there were those who wanted to sidestep that as well. Any way, here were are almost 3 years later and my in-laws are tucked nicely in their respective little boxes in the guest bedroom closet of my house. 

Mom passed first- very unexpectedly- and she wanted her ashes to be spread at the beach. Dad was next, a year later to the day almost. In the year since Mom passed he bought a double columbarium vault at their church for them both to be placed, which was totally against Mom's wishes- the beach and all. But Dad wanted to be put in the vault with his wife.

I'm a little pissed that my wife hasn't fulfilled her mother's wishes. I told her to take some of the ashes and we'll spread them at the beach like she wanted. The rest can go into the columbarium with her Dad, fulfilling his wishes.

Although I am pretty anti-religion and have my own thoughts, I do respect other people's faiths and beliefs in that regard and I find that not fulfilling someone's final wishes is pretty disrespectful. I mean, they ask one final thing of you and you can't even do that?

I know, tldr, but put forth your best and honest effort to make this happen for your brother. I think you'll disappoint yourself if you don't.

 

[rayzor]

sorry for what you're going through but glad you're taking that on for your brother.

as far as churches go, i know a lot of them are dealing with, ultimately, limited real estate (so to speak) so they limit plots to members of the churches themselves and their families. there's not a lot of newer churches that are doing this kind of thing anymore, though, so i imagine that spaces available are kind of running out. 

i would just do what you can. speak with the churches themselves and see what you can work out and hopefully one of them will, especially since you have family there already. 

[PanthersATL]

4 hours ago, Anybodyhome said:

my in-laws are tucked nicely in their respective little boxes in the guest bedroom closet of my house. 

Per Shark Tank - there's at least two companies that can convert loved ones into something more practical.

a) one of those fake diamonds

b) converted to a collection of assorted rocks, for decoration inside the house or in the garden.

Perhaps "practical" isn't the right word. "Decorative" certainly isn't. But... something more than sitting in a box.

[PanthersATL]

16 hours ago, ProcessBlue2 said:

I have been helping him get his affairs in order for a little bit now and I’m running into a problem. 

Do the best you can to get access (either now, or passwords/2FA later) to *all* online accounts and email.

You'll be surprised what you might run across that'll unexpectedly require 2FA and you don't have access to the phone/email where msgs would be sent. 

Worst case, if you just have access to the email you might be able to get things reset.  But it'll still be a PITA

[cookinwithgas]

My younger sisters request was to have her cremated remains put on the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland

it was as much a needed trip together with my stepsister as anything else and it gave a feeling of finality and peace.

Edited February 7, 2024 by cookinwithgas

[ProcessBlue2]

Appreciate all the advice, just been frustrating because I can tell both churches aren't really eager to help him since he wasn't a member (despite 3-4 generations of us at each church). They are saving them for their current members I guess. Really give off "go away you didn't pay tithes here" vibes

[Jackofalltrades]

On 2/9/2024 at 2:55 PM, ProcessBlue2 said:

Appreciate all the advice, just been frustrating because I can tell both churches aren't really eager to help him since he wasn't a member (despite 3-4 generations of us at each church). They are saving them for their current members I guess. Really give off "go away you didn't pay tithes here" vibes

Shouldn't have anything to do with tithes. Tithing is an Old Testament command, anyway. We have a small finance committee at my church and outside of them no one knows who gives what. The problem is more likely that many churches view salvation and, in most cases, local church membership as a life long covenant. The Universal Church, all those who are in Christ, will be raised up together at the consummation of the world. It's typically related to their view of the end times.

I hate it's been a challenge, it only further complicates an already tough situation.