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Hollis Thomas wants to try out over phone


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CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone. "I'd really like to go, but I just can't justify waking up super early and packing a bag and catching a flight and stuff," said the defensive tackle, promising during the call to leave everything on the field. "Anyway, you just need to know that I go up the middle pretty hard. And I do some tackling. You can probably find my 40 time if you look around online. If not, I just did a yard in a second or something, so you can just multiply that by 40, I guess." Thomas also said he was willing to perform medical examinations on himself, although as far as he could tell from his couch, everything "seemed fine."

http://tinyurl.com/y8ozf45

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the onion is always amazing

COLUMBUS, OH—In an alarming trend that some are calling a failure of U.S. drug prevention policies, daily marijuana use increased nearly threefold this month among 26-year-old Gary.

Researchers at the Department of Health and Human Services are attributing the spike in cannabis consumption to a number of troubling factors, including Gary- related underemployment, decreased motivation, and prolonged exposure to Josh.

"This is very distressing, to say the least," said HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who blamed the increase on a lack of programs designed to educate Gary about the dangers of marijuana. "As a nation, it is vital that we learn how to talk to Gary about drugs—and how to listen to what he's trying to tell us."

"We've failed to recognize warning signs such as boredom and a growing need to just chill out," Sebelius added. "But we intend to use every resource at our disposal to meet our goal of cutting marijuana use among Gary by half over the next 10 years."

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Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It

HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the 29-year-old really went full-on balls-to-the-wall. "Judging by the blood spatter and his use of double-aught buckshot, we believe it's safe to say the victim did a hell of a number on himself," Haverford Police Department detective Hank Davidson said at the scene of what he called a real f**king doozy. "This guy was not messing around." County coroner Gus Weldon confirmed the findings, adding a low whistle and shaking his head.

obvious joke here

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    • Revisiting the Prediction thread from April 3--a full 3 weeks before the draft.  I thought this was interesting because I was just repeating rumors and infusing them with my comments.  We trust names like McShay--look how wrong he was! Green indicates the rumor came true in some form.  Red indicates that the rumor was wrong-- Rumor:  McShay just reported in his podcast that the "winds have shifted" about Shedeur Sanders.  He referenced back in October when Dad basically said, "If we tell you not to draft him, don't draft him" to Shedeur wearing a Browns hat. (Nobody thought this would happen in round 5 or with the Browns).  Recently, Deion has come out to announce that he is OK with wherever his son goes--while the intentions were good, he is still one-too-many voices in the process.  I think it was at the combine when Shedeur responded to a question, "Do you know who my dad is?"  while laughing.  He was asked about the Raiders during an interview, and Shedeur said, "I ain't going sixth..." (if he meant 'round' he was right--but he meant overall)  He was referencing living with criticism, etc. but continually referencing Dad may not be helping--but this shift in his and his father's approach to the draft suggests that they are not quite as confident, now that teams have signed free agents.  McShay suggests that Cam will go #1 to the Titans, but the Browns may not think Sanders (who some have a second round grade on--he has him at #19 overall) is worth the #2 pick, and that might lead to them taking the best player in the draft (Carter, but do not rule out Hunter).  Side Rumor:  There are rumblings that the Browns could land Cousins from the Falcons, giving them a starting QB and the #2 overall pick. The Giants just signed Russell Wilson and J. Winston. Daboll and Shoen may not be ready to put their jobs on the back of a developmental QB--so they take the best player on their board, Hunter (if the Browns take Carter).  New England probably drafts an OT, but they would like to trade back. Some mocks have them taking Jeanty--but I do not see Vrabel going RB with so many needs.   Side Rumor:  The Jets may want to move up for Hunter (if he is there) and the Pats may want to move back and take a T.  So if Hunter is on the board at #4, look for a NY-Boston trade. The Jags do not need a QB, but most mocks have them staying put and taking Mason Graham, DT Michigan.  Side Rumor:  The smart money has the Jags taking Mason Graham, but some think they are in love with TMac.  Others have TMac going to the Seahawks later. The Raiders are supposedly in love with RB Jeanty to go in Pete Carrol's offense. I see that as a likelihood. The Jets seem to like Fields and bringing in Sanders makes little sense, but it could not be ruled out.  The drama, however, after the Rodgers experiment, is not ideal.  Most NY area experts have the Jets taking Membou OT or Warren TE--always take the top OT over the top TE.  The Panthers are likely to have Walker on their board and should be fielding offers.  According to McShay, a team still needing a QB would be calling the Panthers to get ahead of the Saints.  McShay mentions that the Giants could be in play to move back up to grab Sanders, but I see Indianapolis as a more likely candidate, with Richardson and Daniel Jones as their QBs at the moment.  For the Colts to move up to 14 it would not require a huge investment in draft capital.  The Colts could send Carolina their first (14) and second (45) to Carolina for their first (8) and a fourth (111) and fifth (140). Side Rumor:  According to McShay, the folks at FanDuel give the over and under odds for Sanders being drafted at 7.5 to 8.5.  The Panthers pick 8th.  What does this mean?   First, Jon Snow will have to change his user name and I think Special Juan is required to report his status to us to be on this board.  Secondly, it means the Panthers could sit at #8 and take Walker or move back, where players like Warren, TMac, Mykel Williams, or a top S (Starks/Emmanwori), Golden, etc. would be in play.   In addition, getting pick #45 would land a player like Princely (Edge). (However, Princely was drafted in round 3--Scourton was the selection at pick 51--Princely went pick 77 in the third)
    • Never been that big a fan of Cole Spencer honestly but he's steadily risen up the ranks ever since he got here.
    • His dad dealt with a fair number of injuries in camp or early season.
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