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Why Your Team Sucks 2024: Carolina Panthers

hepcat

By hepcat,
in Carolina Panthers

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hepcat Grand Master

hepcat

Posted
Posted

https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2024-carolina-panthers

Usually these things are supposed to be hyperbole but in the case of the Panthers...I don't think it is. 

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Your 2023 record: 2-15. Under other circumstances, going 2-15 with a new coach and a rookie quarterback is a relatively normal occurrence. The new guys eat poo for a year, get the hang of things in Year 2, and then HEY NOW, by Year 3 their championship window is officially open. A proven formula, if you’re not the Jets.

Carolina’s only victories last season came against the Texans (how?!) and a 9-7 “win” against the Falcons that featured 487 yards of combined offense. Their new free-agent workhorse back amassed 432 yards rushing. They only had one receiver catch over 50 passes. And, as a crowning insult, they lost to the Bears, all but handing Chicago the No. 1 overall pick in the process. Everyone got fired. Again. Fans lost all hope. Again. And the owner filled his diaper with a thick, viscous, green stool. Again.

 

Your coach: Honestly, does it even fuging matter? Regardless of whoever gets to hold the title of “head coach” in this organization, they still have to dance whenever this man fires his six-shooter at their feet:

Days before Thanksgiving, with the team spiraling and Young getting pummeled, Tepper told Reich to fix the rookie’s footwork. Fitterer and others had told Tepper that Young’s feet were the cause of some of the Panthers’ protection issues. They believed Young wasn’t dropping back deep enough on his pass sets… Tepper’s instruction about Young’s footwork came after weekly conversations between Tepper and Reich on Young’s development and early struggles.

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Your quarterback: Lollipop Guild member Bryce Young, who cost the Panthers two first-rounders (one of which became Caleb Williams), two second-rounders, and WR DJ Moore. Young cleared 200 yards passing only five times, and 300 only once. He was sacked 62 times, second in the league only behind Sam Howell. PFF currently has him as their 35th ranked QB across the entire NFL, below the likes of Kenny Pickett, Aidan O’Connell, Tommy DeVito, and Zach Wilson. Every analytics tool spits out a 404 error when you ask it to evaluate this poor shrimp:

Here is where I note that the Panthers drafted Young over C.J. Stroud, who would go on to make the Houston Texans into a Super Bowl threat after just one year on the job. That could have been you, Carolina, but it’s not. The Houston Texans, of all teams, got one over on you. You know how Jags fans still lament drafting a punter instead of Russell Wilson? OK, well imagine multiplying that buyer’s remorse by a factor of 9,000. That’s the kind of long-term ruin we’re talking about here.

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What’s new that sucks: You’d think this roster couldn’t get any worse, but GUESS WHAT fugOS? It’s worse. That fourth-ranked D from last year just lost its best player in edge rusher Brian Burns, whom Carolina traded to the Giants for a second-rounder plus a side of coleslaw. Carolina could’ve gotten two firsts for Burns had they taken the Rams up on a fat trade offer for him last offseason. But why extract maximum trade value from a disgruntled player when you can keep him around and break his will instead? What, you think David Tepper prefers winning to making people’s lives miserable? History shows otherwise.

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What has always sucked: Near-retirement Adam Thielen is still the best skill position player on this roster, and boy is he happy to be here!

“I think they’re behind a little bit as far as facilities,” Thielen said, speaking over Zoom video call Monday during a media event for the American Century Championship, a celebrity golf tournament he’ll participate in next month. “We probably have the worst facilities in the NFL right now, and I don’t think there is anybody who would argue that.”

 

There isn’t. This is the worst franchise in the NFL. Jets fans look down on Panthers fans, and are right to. I’d rather get myself off with a lit stick of dynamite than watch this glorified UFL outfit. 

And my favorite quote:

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Relocate them to the bottom of the fuging ocean.

Welp have fun y'all!

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